Am I Too Clingy? Am I asking for too much?

[jjmcray]

So my girlfriend and I are very happy together. I don't think either one of us plan on breaking up any time soon. When we are together, we are happy, but here's the problem... How often we are together.

She is in NONE of my classes at school. We only see each other at lunch, and even then, there is little to no interaction between us because all our other friends are there.

IF I am lucky, I get to see her ONCE a week OUTSIDE of school. We either go bowling, go to the theater, or go to her house and watch movies. But like I said, once a week, IF we are lucky.

So, we often resort to talking on the phone. This however, has been bugging me lately.

The only time she calls me is when she is watching TV or reading a book, so she doesn't pay attention to me or what I'm saying, and I often find that she doesn't answer a simple question like "How was your day?" until about 30 seconds after I ask it. That's how I know she is barely paying attention.
And the only other time she will call me is RIGHT before she goes to sleep. So she just calls me, I get excited, because I think we'll get to have a good friendly conversation, but instead, she basically says "I just wanted to call to say good night."

Maybe you're thinking I should call HER more often? Believe me I try, but she always just says something like "I'll call you back later."


Then I found out a couple nights ago she was out with her friends just to have fun, without me of course.
She didn't even tell me until after she went out. She didn't even ask if I wanted to come. (Sure, maybe it was a girl's night out or something... I would completely understand that. BUT...)


Is it too much for me to ask to see her a couple times a week outside of school? Like on Friday night and Saturday? Is it too much for me to ask for more frequent, longer, in-depth phone conversations?

All I want to do is communicate and spend time with my girlfriend that I love and care for with all I have.

I know most of you are probably going to say something like "Talk with her, communication is key." Believe me I would, and I don't want to sound "whipped" or anything, but I really don't want to make her angry or upset her in any way possible. Talking with her about something like this could be considered criticism and would normally upset any normal human being. All I want is for her to be happy, but I'd like to be happy sometimes too.

So I'm caught in a pickle. I don't know what to do.

[byee]

Well, all was going Ok there until I read that last paragraph. More on that later.

To answer your q, no, I don't think you're clingy, needy, or otherwise expecting too much. However, your expectations might not be the same as hers, which might be the root of the problem here. Your definition, your needs, in a relationship are pretty diff than hers. All you can do is either talk with her about it and try to come up with a mutual agreement on what's a reasonable expectation, or you can just tolerate things being the way they are.

My concern, JJ, is that you say you're afraid to discuss your concerns with her, and to let her know what you need. That isn't 'criticism', it's the core of a relationship: The ability to let your partner know what's going on inside for you, and trust that they will not only understand it, but accomodate it as well. in the absence of that, what you really have is a mirage. And like the mirage, what you see might look nice, but there's no substance to it.

Regardless of how much you like her, if either you do not feel safe enough to let her now how you feel, or you believe she'd abandon you if you did, then it's time to find another chica who will treat you the way you need. It's really better to be alone (for a while) then it is to be in an unsatifsfying relationship.

Try talking with her, see what she does. Regardless of the outcome, though, it's really good practice for you.

[jjmcray]

Well perhaps you are right. I am a little afraid to talk with her about it, because, like you said, I am afraid of what may or may not happen.

I will try and think of something to say.

But see, the only problem is, if I say like "I just want to talk to you on the phone a little more" or something, when and IF we do talk more on the phone, it will be awkward. She will probably feel like it is something she has to do instead of wants to do. And I feel that our conversations will be like I said, awkward, and probably lead to extended periods of silence and not knowing what to say. I will just feel like I'm boring her and forcing her to do something she doesn't want to do.

And FYI, I just called her a few minutes ago and she said she was about to go watch TV and she would call me back later.

-Sigh- I'm starting to think I'm making too big o' deal out of this. After all, it's just talking on the phone... Should I be making such a big deal out of it? I want to get the opinions of others on this. I believe I'm perfectly capable of just letting this go and tolerating it if it truly isn't something to fret over, but it's just bugging me right now.

[liquid ice]

well as i was reading the post above it seems to be alot like my last relationship[i loved her but hated the relationship] it was esact like urs but i thougt t out and talked to her whent awsome for like 3 1/2 weeks then she broke up with me [9 3/4 months ago] but all people are differnt and thats how we find love.

[jjmcray]

well as i was reading the post above it seems to be alot like my last relationship[i loved her but hated the relationship] it was esact like urs but i thougt t out and talked to her whent awsome for like 3 1/2 weeks then she broke up with me [9 3/4 months ago] but all people are differnt and thats how we find love.

So what exactly are you trying to say? That I shouldn't talk to her because she will break up with me?

[Θάνατος]

Hey I think that you should cherish the time that you do spend with your girl friend and not worry about the time that you are not spending with her.

I don't think you should be mad at her for going out with her friends and doing stuff. You should do the same go out with your friends. It will make you appreciate each other more when you two are together.

One thing you should not depend solely on your girl friend for your entertainment. You both need a life out side of your relationship. When you call each other every night she may not have a lot to say but just want to be on the phone with you.

My advice to you is back off and do stuff with your own friends it will make your relationship stronger and if something happens you will have friends to help you out.

[jjmcray]

One thing you should not depend solely on your girl friend for your entertainment.

Excuse me? When did I say I wasn't being entertained or wanted more entertainment? All I was asking was if it was too much to ask for a little more interaction.

[byee]

Well perhaps you are right. I am a little afraid to talk with her about it, because, like you said, I am afraid of what may or may not happen.

I will try and think of something to say.

But see, the only problem is, if I say like "I just want to talk to you on the phone a little more" or something, when and IF we do talk more on the phone, it will be awkward. She will probably feel like it is something she has to do instead of wants to do. And I feel that our conversations will be like I said, awkward, and probably lead to extended periods of silence and not knowing what to say. I will just feel like I'm boring her and forcing her to do something she doesn't want to do.

And FYI, I just called her a few minutes ago and she said she was about to go watch TV and she would call me back later.

-Sigh- I'm starting to think I'm making too big o' deal out of this. After all, it's just talking on the phone... Should I be making such a big deal out of it? I want to get the opinions of others on this. I believe I'm perfectly capable of just letting this go and tolerating it if it truly isn't something to fret , but it's just bugging me right now.


Again, JJ, you're right on until the end, there.

yeah, that sense that the other person is doing it more out of obligation rather than desire can get in the way. But, 2 things: 1) So what?, if it's important for you, and bravo for her for realizing that. And, 2) if it's intolerable to you to have to ask, then what you're saying to yourself is that you need someone who knows this intuitively, that they're on your wavelength, that their expectations are the same as yours. Some needs just need to be met 'automatically', without direction or discussion.

In life, you have to let important people know what you need and feel ok with that. Even in the best relationships where people are really close, they're still not mind readers. The issue though is what's acceptable for you to have to tell someone, and what do you believe they just need to know.

I's still good practice to talk with her, see how she responds, and how you feel about it.

[Θάνατος]

Excuse me? When did I say I wasn't being entertained or wanted more entertainment? All I was asking was if it was too much to ask for a little more interaction.

Well I don't think it is too much to ask but it seems to me by what you explained that she does not want more at this time. So I would give her some room and see if she responds in a more positive way and wants to spend more time with you.

[liquid ice]

dude just be happy you ave a gf dude i avent hade a gf in 9months and like 21days so i think ur just wnted to be seen more y her if im right then ask your parents [ begg] to see her do extra stuff around the house it wil work.... i think....

[staying_alive]

i agree with handsolo. You need to cherish the time you do get to spend with her, and stop expecting so much from her. You're not married or anything! You're in a really good relationship, you need to just enjoy it. Hang out with her when possible, but hang out with your friends too. It's just as important because i'd say - and this is just a random guess - more people lose relationships than lose friendships. If you've got your friends there, in case the relationship ends, they're a good cushion. So don't be mad that she hung out with her friends instead of you, maybe she just needs a little time (everyone does at some point or another).

[jjmcray]

Well I don't mind her hanging out with her friends. That was just a little side story. And yes I know, everyone needs a little time, but come on, seriously? This has been going on for the past month or so.

[Stevo 69]

For a relationship to work you have to give the other person some space, im not sayin spend days without seein each other, i mean don't expect to be together 24/7.

People need their space even when in a relationship, I call it my bubble. If a girl is in my bubble to much then I get uncomfortable because it's so hard to tell her to leave me alone.

I would say seein her about 6 days a week is fine, but if u are seein each other for 7 days a week and seein them every minute then u need to give em some space, if u dont then arguments are more likely to break out (personal experience here).

[Halibut]

naw i dont think your clingy at all. obviously you want to spend time with her. i really do think you should talk with her, yes she might be mad, but if you want this relationship to work you need to talk to her..if not , then is it really worth it

[jjmcray]

For a relationship to work you have to give the other person some space, im not sayin spend days without seein each other, i mean don't expect to be together 24/7.

People need their space even when in a relationship, I call it my bubble. If a girl is in my bubble to much then I get uncomfortable because it's so hard to tell her to leave me alone.

I would say seein her about 6 days a week is fine, but if u are seein each other for 7 days a week and seein them every minute then u need to give em some space, if u dont then arguments are more likely to break out (personal experience here).

Well yeah we see each other about 1 day a week.

[IBeRunnin]

Mmkay, I'm totally and completely feelin you on this one. I understand that people need space in relationships, but you're like me, and you like to have a little "us" time too, which is perfectly understandable in my opinion. What I believe you should do is let her know how you're feeling. And what's important is not only WHAT you say, but HOW, WHEN, and WHERE you say it. Don't tell her how you feel in an accusing way that will make her feel like she's being criticized. Just let her know how you feel in a calm, cool, and collected way. And after that, see if she makes an effort.

But don't try to rush things, let them work naturally. Also, be reminded that some people like space like that in relationships, and there's nothing wrong with that. The only problem appears when you have someone who likes lots of space, and someone who doesn't want so much distance. In a relationship, it's good to have someone who shares some of your main wants and needs.

Good luck!

[jjmcray]

Mmkay, I'm totally and completely feelin you on this one. I understand that people need space in relationships, but you're like me, and you like to have a little "us" time too, which is perfectly understandable in my opinion. What I believe you should do is let her know how you're feeling. And what's important is not only WHAT you say, but HOW, WHEN, and WHERE you say it. Don't tell her how you feel in an accusing way that will make her feel like she's being criticized. Just let her know how you feel in a calm, cool, and collected way. And after that, see if she makes an effort.

But don't try to rush things, let them work naturally. Also, be reminded that some people like space like that in relationships, and there's nothing wrong with that. The only problem appears when you have someone who likes lots of space, and someone who doesn't want so much distance. In a relationship, it's good to have someone who shares some of your main wants and needs.

Good luck!
Thanks. nice to know there's someone on my side here.

[jjmcray]

Sorry for double post, but anyway. I kind of talked to her about it... I basically just tried to get the message across... Hopefully I did...

Basically I went the "Are you upset with me?" route, and asked if that was why she wasn't talking to me or seeing me anymore. I told her I felt like she didn't want to talk with me or be with me anymore, and she said it's not because she doesn't want to but because she "couldn't find the time"...

...sure... she couldn't find the time in between school and her 3+ hours of TV shows every day....
Ugh... this is irritating me. I really hope she kinda took a hint.

[AllThatIsLeft]

This is ancient. Please read the date of the last post, if it's over a month don't bump.
Thank you.
:locked:

[AllThatIsLeft]

This is ancient. Please read the date of the last post, if it's over a month don't bump.
Thank you.
:locked:

[kbug1993]

I think you aren't clingy.
I'm the same way.
If it isn't working,
maybe you should just lay it out for her,
& tell her.
it mite work.:)