Reaper
January 10th, 2009, 07:42 AM
I get sudden bursts of what I call "realisation", where It just dawns on me that I really have a purpose of living. Its not the whole time, when I am around my friends I am very happy, but if I am sitting on my own at home, or at college where I dont have many good friends I get periods where I just really get temporarily paralyzed by the sensation that I have nothing to look forward to in life. I hate going to college during the week. I hate my work which is what I do on the weekends. All I can see in life is a fixed path of working until I die.
I guess you could say I am lonely. I only see my good friends every so often, as most of them have gone to different colleges, joined the army. I havent had a girlfriend for about 4 years, but there is this girl at the moment who I truely believe that I love. Just her texting me can bring me out of one of these moments, however when it dawns on me that she probably doesnt think the same way about me I go back to being like a vegetable, Thinking that whilst Im sitting here being useless she could be out with some other boy having the time of her life. In this state I dont know what to do.. My hobbies suddenly seem pointless, playing the guitar, paintballing, and If I try to do them I get distracted by nothing. I usually pass the time sitting in my room doing nothing, but staring at the floor, waiting for this girl to sign in on msn or text me. I feel that if I go out I will miss her, and miss the oppurtunity to speak with her and actually make something worthwhile in my life. The time passes by painfully slowly, Im just counting down the hours until I have to go back to work or back to college. I cant even sleep at night, I usually just lay awake thinking about nothing. I cant seem to rest. Last night I got home at around two in the morning and even though I was tired I couldn't sleep at all. I ended up laying awake al night.
I havent cried in probably about ten years but the other day I just sat alone and cried. I couldnt help it and I dont know what I was crying about.
Is this depression? If it is I need to know something that can help me solve it. I really think this is killing me.
I guess you could say I am lonely. I only see my good friends every so often, as most of them have gone to different colleges, joined the army. I havent had a girlfriend for about 4 years, but there is this girl at the moment who I truely believe that I love. Just her texting me can bring me out of one of these moments, however when it dawns on me that she probably doesnt think the same way about me I go back to being like a vegetable, Thinking that whilst Im sitting here being useless she could be out with some other boy having the time of her life. In this state I dont know what to do.. My hobbies suddenly seem pointless, playing the guitar, paintballing, and If I try to do them I get distracted by nothing. I usually pass the time sitting in my room doing nothing, but staring at the floor, waiting for this girl to sign in on msn or text me. I feel that if I go out I will miss her, and miss the oppurtunity to speak with her and actually make something worthwhile in my life. The time passes by painfully slowly, Im just counting down the hours until I have to go back to work or back to college. I cant even sleep at night, I usually just lay awake thinking about nothing. I cant seem to rest. Last night I got home at around two in the morning and even though I was tired I couldn't sleep at all. I ended up laying awake al night.
I havent cried in probably about ten years but the other day I just sat alone and cried. I couldnt help it and I dont know what I was crying about.
Is this depression? If it is I need to know something that can help me solve it. I really think this is killing me.