is it time to tell?

[nachtspiegel]

the title of this thread applies to this first part, and there's another subject that i'd like to address that i don't feel is worth a separate thread.
the first is about cutting. i haven't done it since december 27th, but the urges always come back. i know that i'm not done, i'm just on... a hiatus, if you will. i am in therapy every thursday morning now, and i go for psychiatry on the tenth of next month. (it was supposed to be yesterday, but i didn't have a legal guardian available to take me.) my therapist, as of yet, does not know about the cutting. i think she senses that something is missing, but she hasn't put the pieces together yet. during yesterday's session, i wanted to tell her, but i am afraid that the moment i tell her, she's going to pick up her phone and arrange for my placement in an inpatient facility. at this point, i have too much going on, and i can't do that. i met several people in the facility i was in last spring that told me that they were put there just because they were having urges to cut.
and now, the second part. as at least a few of you know, i was molested for several years by someone that i should have been able to trust. i have decided not to come forward with a name because my memories aren't most vivid and i spend so much time trying to convince myself that it didn't happen that i don't feel comfortable talking about it. but, something keeps running through my mind that is driving me over the edge. i told my mother about everything last spring, just days before i overdosed. at first, she acted like she didn't believe me, and then she came off with "if you don't tell, and this person victimizes someone else, you're partially responsible." it makes me sick to my stomach every day and i feel like the only way i can rid myself of this torment is to end it. i was relatively okay until yesterday morning, when i started talking about it with my therapist. she basically told me what would happen if i gave a name (and i have been fully aware of the circumstances for a while now.) since i brought it up, what my mother said to me keeps running through my head. the temptation to take myself out of this sick game is so strong right now that i'm not even half-assed motivated to fight.

i just wish i could wake up tomorrow morning and have this all just be a dream.

[byee]

OK, I got this.

First, your primary responsibility here is to take care of yourself. I think your mom's response is a typical one, but doesn't take into consideration the exquisitely complicated issues surrounding all this for you. It's not just 'giving a name', it's really sharing (and addressing) something that it impossibly difficult for you for a lot of reasons. People like yourself who have endured horrible violation have immense difficulty revealing things, for fairly obvious reasons. I think that needs to be respected. You will provide the name when you feel safe and strong enough to do so.

As you've been violated by someone you trusted, it's also understandable that it would be difficult for you to share with your new therapist your cutting history. It takes time to trust someone, and longer when you've had that trust broken. The important thing here isn't so much sharing before you're ready, but to take the time to develop the relationship (and address some of the issues with trust), again, at your own pace. As long as the cutting remains in the past tense, there's no rush here. Therapy is curative not only for the things you talk about and share, but perhaps more importantly, b/c it's all in the context of an emotional relationship devoid of any problems or pain.

Lastly, I'm sure you know the correlation btw'n cutting, depression, and sexual abuse, and I'm sure your therapist does, too. When you're ready to address the *other* issues, you will. In the mean time, talk about whatever it is that seems the most relevant (and comfortable) for you. When you do talk about the cutting, I doubt it will come as a surprise to the therapist, and as long as it is still in the past tense, it will most likely be treated as another symptom of your trauma. Should it be more current, then it would be an opportunity to experience someone in a caring relationship work with you to protect you.

[nachtspiegel]

i'm starting to feel like everyone is out to get me. i'm so paranoid and i've been contemplating different suicide methods for several hours. at this point, i'm not sure that i want to die, but i am sure that i want to seriously hurt myself because i deserve it. they say that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but this problem isn't so temporary and it isn't going to go away. it isn't ever going to leave me alone. i just feel like jumping off of the bridge. i am like a car that has spiraled out of control and is about to crash into a ditch and burst into flames. i can't rationalize my thoughts. i have been extremely hyper the past few days and i can't get a grip on myself.

[byee]

OK, I got this.

First, your primary responsibility here is to take care of yourself. I think your mom's response is a typical one, but doesn't take into consideration the exquisitely complicated issues surrounding all this for you. It's not just 'giving a name', it's really sharing (and addressing) something that it impossibly difficult for you for a lot of reasons. People like yourself who have endured horrible violation have immense difficulty revealing things, for fairly obvious reasons. I think that needs to be respected. You will provide the name when you feel safe and strong enough to do so.

As you've been violated by someone you trusted, it's also understandable that it would be difficult for you to share with your new therapist your cutting history. It takes time to trust someone, and longer when you've had that trust broken. The important thing here isn't so much sharing before you're ready, but to take the time to develop the relationship (and address some of the issues with trust), again, at your own pace. As long as the cutting remains in the past tense, there's no rush here. Therapy is curative not only for the things you talk about and share, but perhaps more importantly, b/c it's all in the context of an emotional relationship devoid of any problems or pain.

Lastly, I'm sure you know the correlation btw'n cutting, depression, and sexual abuse, and I'm sure your therapist does, too. When you're ready to address the *other* issues, you will. In the mean time, talk about whatever it is that seems the most relevant (and comfortable) for you. When you do talk about the cutting, I doubt it will come as a surprise to the therapist, and as long as it is still in the past tense, it will most likely be treated as another symptom of your trauma. Should it be more current, then it would be an opportunity to experience someone in a caring relationship work with you to protect you.


I'm going to quote myself here at the expense of sounding vainglorious (not me!) because it's unclear to me if you read it or not, you didn't seem to respond to it.

You don't want to die, you just want the pain to stop. Instead of thinking of the myriad ways of offing yourself, try to come up with ways of giving yourself some TLC. That's what you need, a little self understanding and self acceptance, something to nurture yourself.

When people are hurting, they like to be nurtured, to be cared for. Do that for yourself, be extra nice to you, this horrible feeling is just that, a feeling. It will pass. Feelings cannot harm you, only actions can. And, mercifully, there's nothing threatening you. Except you.

Here's one of my world famous brownies, still warm. See if it helps.

Plan on speaking to your therapist about all this, too.

[nachtspiegel]

i read it. i just don't have the composure to think enough to come up with a sensible response. i read it over several times. you took the time to read and respond and the least i could do was do something to acknowledge your good deed, in this case, reading your response. it would've been better to respond, but i haven't really found the words to describe myself yet. a brownie sounds amazing right now. :) and, i want to talk to her about this, but i haven't quite gotten to that point with her yet.
and, one point i have thought to add: i'm not afraid of my abuser, nor scared to speak up, i just don't want the breach in privacy. i am just trying to live my life, and a huge legal fuss would put a huge crimp in that.