Just got home from the hospital.

[Fiending_the_freedom]

after TEN hours.
i was really depressed last night and i cute myself about 8 times really deep, but one of them was the deepest i've ever cut, and it wouldnt stop bleeding, i was bleeding all over the place and my hands were covered in blood, i was really scared so i call my two best friends rudi and laila and they met me at the hospital.
I called my sister and told her, she called my dad and he came to the hospital.
a lot of sitting around, and when they cleaned the cuts it fucking HURTTTTTTTTTT.
but what hurt more was instead of stitching it up they glued the deep deep cut shut, that hurt more than i can even say.

so i talked to the youth workers and such and they wanted me to admit myself to be an in patient (live there for a week) but i told her i couldn't do it today (too all of a sudden, too scary) i told her i would do it after exams. I'm scared to do it though, i'm going to have to tell a big lie to my friends so they dont know where i am, and i'm not allowed ANYTHING no phone or even an mp3 player. and i would get 3 calls a day, only family can visit and since i would be volenteering i would be able to get some passes to go home for a couple hours.

We talked about options, i'm going to try to get cognitive behavioral therapy and go on meds.

i'm really scared, and it was really scary sitting there with my dad the whole time him knowing what happened, and he saw the cuts too, that was....awkward?

ughhh i guess i have no choice but to try and get better!

[Burnthecity]

Tegan, take this oppertunity, let them help you get better, if you pass this up your going to regret it, dont you want all of this to stop, i hope you do actually go through with this and get better
as hard as its going to be, itll all be worth it in the end

[EmmaEpileptic]

hey its good to get help i was admitted as an in patient 3 years ago it was ok at first but the atmosphere was so scary i was there for 2 years in a psychriatric hospital and came out worse than i was before.....

things got out of hand.... make sure you make the right descision you need help just don't get as bad as i was

[nachtspiegel]

your real friends wouldn't have anything negative to say about you being inpatient. a real friend would be happy that you're getting help. i guess things work differently in canada, because where i live, i wouldn't have had the option of admitting myself later. either way, you need the help. i've read in another thread of yours that the list for therapy is a year long (and that is quite outrageous,) and going inpatient would provide you with the help that you need.

[byee]

Tegan, really great advice here. Forget about everything else for the moment and focus just on yourself and taking care. That means doing whatever is required to not cut ever again. Cutting the deepest you ever had is really scary, it shows that you are very overwhelmed and not thinking clearly, and next time it could be too deep, too late.

I like the idea so much of an inpatient stay, you'd be safe, you'd be with people who care (staff and other kids), and you'd get really intensive therapy, which (hopefully) will give you the tools you need to control those urges better when you leave. A lot of people have some very dark (and incorrect) ideas about in patient places, but they're not at all like you think. And, they can really give you the tools you need to be well on your way to recovery.

Take a deep breath and go back.

[Atonement]

Amen. That is exactly what I did. Like, to the point. No phone, no anything, cognitive behavioral therapy, and family. What I told my schoool was that I was just really sick. But what you could say is that your phone broke and got disconnected. I highly encourage it. It is a great experience. It can help SO much. It might not, but I can name 26 people off the top of my head that are alive and well today because of an inpatient hospitalization. All the people but one that I met in my hospitalization are alive and well today. Its so.. .I can't tell you how important that it is that you go.

Be safe, you know how to get a hold of me if you need to.

[jacknife]

Recognize and understand that you are in control of the situation. I know it seems very tough, and whatever is "making" you cut may seem overwhelming; but you can not deny the roll your will plays in all this. Cutting yourself is an action you take and it is something you choose to do, no matter how "out of your control" the whole thing may seem.

I hope whatever therapist you talk to helps to make that point clear to you. It is obvious you feel helpless enough already, and there's no need to exacerbate that problem by listening to a therapist tell you all about how, "It's not your fault." The world is filled with strong people who express themselves in powerful ways - you're one of those people. And though there are conditions outside of your control, like events in the past or the part of you that makes you feel compelled to cut; you just have to remember that, at the end of the day, you are in control of how you react to these conditions; you still willfully choose to drag the knife across your body.

Understand that you re-create and re-define yourself each moment of your existence, and this whole dramatic and emotional episode of your life is nothing but a great opportunity to define and create yourself in new and exciting ways.

Look at moments like this, not as a burden, but as an opportunity. Don't feel victimized or helpless. Feel strong and in control - because you are. There is nothing you can't achieve if you put your power as an individual into full action.