Oh, great. Another pathetic idiot posting.

[jma94]

Well, lately I've been feeling worse and worse. I don't really get why, but I've felt, well, I don't like saying depressed, but I guess that's what fits, so; depressed. I've felt this way for a while. And I always hid it, and did a good job at it. I hid it 'cause I didn't understand why I felt depressed. As if I had no reason to. I can say that I hate myself. I suppose that could have started it or something. Ahg, I just don't know. And now it's getting worse and it's starting to show. People ask me "Are you okay?" And "Are you feeling alright?" And I want to tell the truth, but I can't get myself to! When I try to say "no" "Yeah, I'm just tired" ends up coming out instead. And one of my friends said to me "I think you're clinically depressed." I thought I was hiding it well! Or she just can tell 'cause she's been there. And if I were diagnosed with it, I don't know what I'd do. I have a lot of trouble opening up to people. A lot. And medication? I'd feel worse. Having to take a pill for a pretty much false sense of being okay.

I guess I have a lot of friends, but maybe only one or two true friends. And even with them, I feel I don't fit in all the time. Like they don't want me around anymore. It makes me feel worthless. Well, I guess that's just part of it.

And then there is the annoying teenish part. The whole damned concept of "love". Ergh. Typically: I have a crush on someone who doesn't know I exist. I don't get it.! I haven't even really spoken to this person. They're just a friend of a friend. And either way, nothing could ever happen. I'm a guy. He's a guy that's straight. Or so he says. But I don't even know him! Why do I feel this way? I feel like an idiot, allowing for this to happen to me.D:

Uhg, sorry. I needed to ramble. :l

[Sapphire]

:hug3:
I'm sorry that you are going through this.
I really don't blame you for not wanting to take medication for this. It wouldn't solve anything, it would just make you feel a bit more stable.
But, I think you should consider counselling. Even if you have to go for a month to feel as if you can open up to them, it can help in the long run. Having someone to really listen to you can be so reassuring and validating.

Don't beat yourself up and call yourself an idiot for having feelings for another guy. We can't help who we fall for. We can't tell ourselves that we want to love this person and not that one. It just happens.

Your friends do want you around. They wouldn't be your friends if they didn't. They wouldn't keep asking if you are feeling ok if they didn't care. Depression can make us feel like a burden and an annoyance to those around us when the opposite is more accurate.

Be kind to yourself

[jma94]

Ahg, I know I should go to counciling. But it's so hard to talk to my mother about it. She's going through enough, and I don't want to burden her. And I sure as hell can't talk to my guardian. I hate her. >< I can't talk about anything to her without being scolded.

And I'm not so sure you're right about my friends. They seem to want to be around me less and less. *_* They'd rather be around other friends. And we see eachother so little, 'cause I'm basically in classes with none of my friends, which adds to this growing depression.
... I hate saying that. D:

And, I know we don't chose who we fall for, but it's still hard. I see him everdayin school. And he wouldn't even know I existed if it weren't for me being somewhat friends with one of his friends. And everytime I see him, I know he'll never care for me in any way. >:l

God, I talk a lot. >:[

[byee]

It's hard to know what to say here to you, other than to acknowledge that you're going thru a lot, and it seems to be taking it's toll. And, others are noticing that, too. It's always a bit worrisome when others are able to accurately see your unhappiness. It means it's pretty obvious, so it must be really bad for you.

I like the idea of counseling for you, it gives you some much needed support and a place where you can explore these issues with a caring, non judgemental person. The task is to get yourself into it, maybe you can say 'just enough' to alert your mom that you're 'overwhelmed' and 'frightened' and need someone to talk with. maybe the school guidance counselor can help, too, or a school psychologist. Not only will they listen to you, but they might be able to intervene with your mom to help get you to someone. I wouldnlt worry too much about meds, it's only one tool that's available, and it's unclear if it's necessary, anyway. Leave that up to your doc.

Right now, I wouldn't focus too much on a boyfriend. Although it sounds like you need *someone* to make you feel special, but being gay in HS has some risks, as you know, so that goal might need to wait a while. In the meantime, though, it's important to find peace within yourself, the ability to feel OK by yourself, not needing *someone*.

Work on a plan to get you to a therapist, that's a good first step here.

[jma94]

I know there isn't much to say, but I do thank you for replying.

I suppose I could attempt speaking with the school councilors. Can't actually make it worse, eh? :p

And I don't focus on a relationship. But I can't help feeling that.

And, another thing I don't get is how horribly I can feel one day, and another day a feel okay. Usually only lasts for a day at a time, but still... :o

[Sapphire]

I hope that you do speak with a counsellor. It really can help if you let it.

The fact that your friends keep checking up on you and asking if you are ok shows that they genuinely care.
Maybe you lot could have a monthly film night together or you could have a fortnightly trip to the bowling alley. These things will help get you out of the house and also let you and your friends socialise outside of school.

[Hyper]

Anybody who hates him/herself can not be happy.

So the issue really is why do you hate yourself.

[IBeRunnin]

Well, I had been depressed ever since like, 4th grade. It got really bad in 10th grade. To the point where I had stopped eating, and lossed a lot of weight. So I decided that I needed to get help, and asked my momz to take me to a psychiartrist. I was diagnosed with moderate depression and put on prozac. My family, my best friends, and close friends know about me being on medication and seeing someone and they have supported me all the way. Not only that, but my psych honestly appears to care. I'm in 11th grade now, and I'm better than I was yesterday. With the continued support, I'll probably be okay. Also, the pills, I'm not really sure what the hell they do. But I do know that your happiness is in your hands, and you control it. If you are depressed, do someting about it and get help.