Question about myself...

[Simonsays]

What I am about to explain has been happening for many years, at least 3. I have known the entire time that I need to find out how to fix it.

I fantasize about young males, about 4-5 years younger than me. I think I'm bisexual because I also fantasize about females also sometimes, but mainly younger males. Recently, I went on vacation with some family, and someone brought their son. There was a total of 7 people, and the son and I slept in one bed and one couple slept in a room and another couple slept in another room. The 7th kid, same age as me (my cousin) slept on the floor. I would scratch the kid I was sleeping in the same beds back for him while he fell asleep, but not in a sexual way. I choose not to go further with this, but I ask for advice. How to correct this, going to a therapist isn't an option, as I'm only 17.

Can anyone offer any advice? I know I'm a sick, demented person and I want to fix it!

[byee]

I missed the 'sick, demented' part here, Simon. I'm not hearing anything here that is really crossing that line.

There's a very big difference btw'n thoughts/fantasies/urges and actual action/behavior. As long as it stays in your head, it's OK. It's only "demented" (i.e. problematic and indicative of real trouble) if you lose control and actually did something. The fact that these thoughts bother you and that you recognize that they'd not be good to act on is a pretty good sign, it shows a clear boundary which you haven't crossed, that you know the probable consequences of doing so, and that you know it would be terribly destructive.

So, the issue is the thoughts themselves. It would be good to further define what it is that you're experiencing, what are the fantasies? Are they sexual? Emotional? Both? Do you have any idea where they might come from or what they mean?

Very often sexual thoughts which involve significantly younger kids either represent prior sexual abuse, it's a way of acting that trauma out, or represent some difficulties transitioning into a more appropriate form of adult sexuality. There's a real fear of adult intimacy and closeness, so there's an attraction to younger people, who are seen as less emotionally threatening. You might spend some time thinking about these options, and see where the thoughts go.

And until then, it's important to make every effort to keep this stuff in your head, and regardless of how difficult you might find therapy to get, to overcome that and get it anyway.

Let me know what you think, though.