Confusion

[ShatteredGlass]

I dont have a reason for starting or rather a "good" reason but who should decide whether my reason for cutting is good enough? I had a two-faced best friend, I hated myself, i felt worthless i still feel worthless. And every single time i look at my arms...or ne one elses for that matter I remember. I think that it's the worst mistake i've ever made. But i cant forget i can never forget, all my faults, a symbolized by the scars up and down my arm. By cutting myself i'm in control! By cutting myself i put the pain I feel on the inside on the outside, slightly. I hate myself for hurting my mom. I hate myself for being worthless. I told my friends to find that i only had one tru friend, i friend who cared. I wanted[I]them to tell! I wanted to heal, but i couldnt and now every time i see my closet full of short sleeved shirts i think, [I]well there's something i'll never wear again I'm so confused. I want to cut but i don't want to cut. I want to heal but i don't want to heal. I deserve it, I don’t want to feel better, but I do! I’m lost. Am i the only one who feels this way?

[Sapphire]

:hug3: I'm sorry you are feeling like this.
You aren't alone in this torment though.
I frequently struggle to keep my self-destructive side under control because I'm almost constantly fighting between healing and destroying myself.

[ShatteredGlass]

Thanks it's good to know i'm not the only one

[Sunshine Girl]

i get what you mean. some days i feel like giving up would be so much easier, while othes im determined to get better. ugh

[ShatteredGlass]

It's [cutting] is like the forbidden fruit, taken away for my benefit yet also for my destruction. It's the thing i'll die to forget yet live to remember at the same time!

[Sapphire]

For me, my self-destructive behaviours have been addressed and "corrected" while my self-destructive attitudes have been ignored. Until I manage to "correct" these attitudes I will always feel split like this.

Don't know if it's the same for any of you though.

[XamyX]

For me, my self-destructive behaviours have been addressed and "corrected" while my self-destructive attitudes have been ignored. Until I manage to "correct" these attitudes I will always feel split like this.

Don't know if it's the same for any of you though.

Its findinthe way to deal with it, iv managed to deal with it 4 a few months and was doin brillintly but the iniest fink will set me off and i loose control. I get great satisfaction out of it but then regret it, Iv lost a lot dwn to my harming and how i self destruct.

[ShatteredGlass]

It's almost as if as long as I'm not cutting there is no problem...but there is, and i'll always feel the same way that made me cut myself until i fix the problem. But cutting was in a major way a cry for help for me, and i dont know how to ask for help now.

[Sapphire]

It's almost as if as long as I'm not cutting there is no problem...but there is, and i'll always feel the same way that made me cut myself until i fix the problem. But cutting was in a major way a cry for help for me, and i dont know how to ask for help now.
I completely know what you mean.
Have a look for free counselling services in your area or through your school. Try going to them for help as opposed to being sent there. It can feel a bit more empowering to have that level of control over where you go for help.

[ShatteredGlass]

I have gone to couseling, I liked her. She was good, but I dont like talking to ppl in person, crying makes me feel weak, and that' what i do when i talk about my feelings becuz i have so many negative ones. If I were to say what I've written on here as opposed to writing it, I would cry, and crying just reveals apart of me that I dont wanna ne one 2 see, i'm s'pose to b strong...I wanna b.

[jma94]

For me, my self-destructive behaviours have been addressed and "corrected" while my self-destructive attitudes have been ignored. Until I manage to "correct" these attitudes I will always feel split like this.

Don't know if it's the same for any of you though.

I understand that. I somehow managed to stop cutting for a long time. Quite a while. But during the time I didn't feel any better. I still felt, as you said, self-destructive.

And as for the topic at hand, I get what you mean about not feeling you have a good reason. I felt like that. No, strike that, I feel like that. Then felt a million times worse when I started because I didn't feel I had any decent reason to harm myself. I would think to myself "Am I doing this for attention? Am I doing it because of this state of self-loathing? For no reason other than the pain? Do I enjoy the pain?" And so on. Then I wanted to stop, but didn't want to, because it was an escape of sorts. I dunno, if it's the same for you. I feel totally ashamed about it.

When you do stop, just remember, scars fade. And once you stop, you grow. You might still feel ashamed about it still, but, "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger"

Sorry this was long. And if it didn't help. :o I just thought I'd give my two cents...

[ShatteredGlass]

I feel like that. Then felt a million times worse when I started because I didn't feel I had any decent reason to harm myself. I would think to myself "Am I doing this for attention? Am I doing it because of this state of self-loathing? For no reason other than the pain? Do I enjoy the pain?" And so on. Then I wanted to stop, but didn't want to, because it was an escape of sorts.



Thx that didi help. I asked myself the very same questions. For some reason i felt like the blood was calming. My skool guidance counselor suggested i paint my nails because it would give me something to do with my hands and it'd be the color red. But for some reason, it just wasnt enough. I like the continuos flow, but i dont know why. I shouldnt feel good about it seeing as im tearing myself open. But that is like an escape.