Advice needed *THANK YOU*

[ivejustbegun]

Well to start off, I'm 16 years old and from Manhattan (New York City) and I am in a serious need of advice...

My parents have been divorced since 2004 and separated since 2002 (when I was almost 10 years old) I don't get along with my father at all. In any way. He treats me like a selfish little kid with no worth of any sort to him. The custody arrangement is that I spend Monday/Tuesday with him and Wednesday/Thursday with my mom and the weekends alternate. Every time I come to his house I'm miserable. The guidance counselor at my school has even called home saying that teachers have told her I've seemed depressed.

I'd say we've been fighting on the current level for a year and a half. For one example, my aunt (my mom's sister) was murdered in October of 2007 and it was a huge news story and such... three months before that happened, she told me that I had the biggest heart out of anyone she knew, so I try to keep that with me always. My dad always tries to demote that. He constantly tells me that I'm the most selfish person he's ever met and that I don't care about anyone but myself (with no reason). He insults me all the time and orders me around like a servant and I don't think it's respectful at all. We argue ALL THE TIME. My brother is his golden child who manipulates his way into getting anything he wants. My dad doesn't care about my feelings in any way - he recently put his girlfriend in his will and didn't show any remorse when I told him I was offended by it (it's not like she needs any more money...)

On the other hand, my mom and I have a great relationship and she lives in the house where I grew up (which is around 6 times bigger than my dad's). I always feel at home there, something that I don't find in my dad's house. I've told them both for a long time that I don't want to live at my dad's anymore... he's also gone to the point of telling me during an argument that my mom doesn't want me to live with her full-time - THAT IS NOT TRUE AT ALL. My mom told me that of course she would like me to live with her... this especially hurts because I'm adopted and there's always that feeling of not being wanted. My dad doesn't see what he says as being hurtful and doesn't care. It's constant verbal abuse with him and I'm at my breaking point.

I've asked my mom to petition the courts for around five months now but she keeps saying that I need to have this done (which isn't true; it has to go through her). She doesn't want to take on the responsibility of petitioning the courts which is hard because every time I call her at my dad's it seems like she's feeding me to the animals. I have no advocate at my dad's and feel out of place.

I've left to my mom's in the middle of fights around three times. My dad threatens to not pay for my school tuition, to cut me out financially and that he will make sure I am on the streets begging for money. He also has said he will call the police if I leave (which he would definitely do - in 8th grade I was sick and wouldn't go to school so he called an ambulance on me, thankfully my mom came to the hospital and got me out of it) which is when I don't leave and feel trapped (like tonight)

I CANNOT TAKE THIS ANYMORE BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE I CAN DO.

I'd appreciate any advice and comments. Thanks so much.
-Mark

[byee]

Hi Mark,

This sounds like a very bad situation for you, you rather vividly describe a real need for some outside intervention. The issue is really how to get that, I don't think you can resolve all this on your own.

You said that the school people have called your folks with their concerns about your being depressed. Maybe they can advocate for you further. Since your folks cannot (or will not) work together with eachother or you, I think you might want to talk with them about your plight, as well as your sense of desperation, and see if they cannot be more active here in getting you to a therapist who can help sort this out and hopefully act as an ally and mediator.

Think about using the school people here to get you to soemone who can sort all this out for you.

[ivejustbegun]

Thanks a lot for replying --

It's definitely exhausting... I can't count how many times I've told my mom how desperate I am but she doesn't seem to listen. When the counselor did call home, they mentioned how when I went to the nurse's office for an injury my feet were smelling (I was just in gym...) which is a sign of depression or something -- when my dad told me she called, he didn't mention me being unhappy and started saying he would kick me out if I didn't wash my feet and such (which caused yet another argument)

We've all talked before with a therapist but my dad said he wouldn't be interested in going to another session :( he acts like I'm angry out of nowhere for no reason which is delusional.

Thanks again.

[byee]

I've never heard smelly feet as a symptom of depression! Anyways, the call did get your dad's attention, which would suggest that another, perhaps from someone with a little biut more credibility and authority, might get him to respond, too.

Talk with the guidance counsellor or Headmaster, or if there's a school psychologist or social worker, and tell them with some specificity exactly how ovrewhelmed you are and how much you need their help. Let them advocate for you. The issue is your need for help here, and you need someone to break thru to them.

[Zan0ra]

Hmm... So your dad acts like a total idiot when your there and your brother is something special right? Now I think your mom does want you around. Its just, she doesnt know what your dad really does to you. Perhaps tell her? Tell her what he has been threatening to do. Has he ever physically hit you for no reason? This sounds like it could be a person that may start to abuse you. I say try get this problem sorted as soon as possible. Talk to you school counselor or headmaster or whoever is available that you feel confident talking to.

[George678]

Ok i feel so sorry for you being adopted and all.
And that might be why your Dad does not like you...
I think you might need to sit down wth him have you done that?

[ivejustbegun]

to Zan0ra:
My mom does know what he does and how he is (after all they were married so she knows if not more than I do) and I think that she's just afraid of how things could change because she wants me to try mending it instead (which won't really work at this point, I've tried for years and it's just bad weight on my shoulders) He's never really hit me or anything but he has a big temper and we but heads a lot because we're both stubborn (Tauruses) but that's where the similarities end.

to George678:
I doubt that's why he doesn't like me, both my brother and I are adopted and I was the first -- it was a planned adoption and I've been with my real parents (adopted) my entire life.

I've tried sitting down with him before but he makes me feel as if we've never fought before and why am I angry for anything as if nothing happened.

[Cindex]

Are you sure your father doesn't have a psycological issue? That might cause him to act this way. Also, is there anything that causes a lot of stress for him? Sometimes when people are really stressed out or angry, they take it out on the easiest person to pick on. Technically, you can't fight back. Insulting him would make him angry and do nothing, and physically fighting is not a solution.

Have you ever thought your mother didn't help because maybe she didn't want to lose contact with your father? She loved him once, for sure, because they got married. It's possible that she doesn't want to completely remove him. I don't know any of you so I can't really say.

I hope it all works out in the end.