boy trouble (very long but please help!)

[oliphant360]

When I was in my primary school years (primary 2-4), my only friend was a guy called Steven. We were really good friends and very close. I don't remember how it started, but we started to kiss each other, and rub body parts together. I was too young to know about anal sex etc. so it was just say rubbing our penis' together. At break and lunchtime, even during classtime, we would sneak to the toilets, get in a cubicle and go for it. We used to say to each other that we were gay, but we didn't really know. By the time Primary 4 came around, we were going at it a lot. I remember being in the school library, sitting at a desk (which had bookshelfs behind it) and sticking our hands down each others pants. And then one day we got caught, there we were doing our 'stuff' in the cubicle, and this boy that was a year older than us was standing on the toilet in the next cubicle, peering over at us. For a while he came over to us, but then he gave it up and we carried on with it. At the end of Primary 4, Steven announced he was moving to Glasgow. I was heartbroken, I had practicaly no other friends, and I had grown to love Steven. After he moved I went to visit him once, on his birthday, but we didn't do anything slightly sexual. When his Mum offered us the double bed to sleep in, I was surprised to hear him say "no, we'll sleep in my room". I figured that he didn't want to do it anymore, and I wasn't close enough to him to just plainly ask if he wanted to "be gay together" as we called it.
I went on with my life, making lots of friends on the way which was good. And my life was great.
But then in Second year at High School he came back. When I saw him, he hadn't changed at all, apart from him considerably deeper voice. I got horny (and this time proper horny, I had hit puberty 2 years before) and I wanted him again. He was friends with the geeky people in my year, and I was friends with the cooler people, so I tried not go talk to him in front of my friends (in case of seeming "uncool").
I would text him at night, just about normal things, but then I had the idea to put an 'x' at the end of each text. Eventually I texted him telling him I loved him, to which I got the reply "are you high or something?". I chose to ignore this and continued to explain all my feelings to him. Eventually he texted back, saying he did too, and reminding me of things we used to to that I'd forgotten.
We arranged a place and time for us to meet after school one day, so that we could do 'the proper deed'. But as the days grew closer, and as I wanted it more and more, he pulled out, said he didn't think it was a good idea. I felt awful after this. I left it a couple of weeks and texted him again , he didn't reply, even when I phoned him he didn't answer. That was in second year, I'm now in third. We get changed in the same changing rooms now, and I have shuffled out with a boner at least 10 times. I don't know what to do to get him to text me, or go out with me. He didn't give a reason why he bailed on me before. Which gives me hope that he still loves me, he just doesn't want his friends and family to know. Please help me guys!

[Requin]

To tell you the honest truth, it seems as if he is either cofused about his sexuality and doesn't want to commit himself to anything, or he is just too scared to let out his sexuality to the world and you.

Because he is having problems with his orientation (which is what it sounds like btw) then the best way you can support him as a friend is to let him be, don't pressurise him into anything, he is having a tough enough time as it is, and you nagging him won't help.
So just let him be, tell hiim that whatever problem's he has, your there for him. Offer support. He needs a friend in this confusing time of puberty, not a lover, for the moment.

[Zan0ra]

THIRD YEAR o.O is that American or English?? if its English that means he is 8 years old. He is obviously just very confused about his sexuality. Just because you have received these feelings for him dosent necessarily mean that he feels exactly the same way for you. give it some time. Don't assume he is gay because he may well not be.

[Requin]

No he said this..
But then in Second year at High School he came back.

Even if your in high school you are still very young, don't commit yourself too early my friend..especially if your wrong in your later years.

[oliphant360]

Requin's right. I mean third year on high school, Scotland. That means we are both 14.

[byee]

Ok, I think I understand this. You guys were besty's when you were really young, like 8 or so?, and played an advanced form of "doctor", which was sexual. Assuming the 2 of you weren't acting out some prior incident of sexual abuse, sex play amongst young 'uns is fairly common and not entirely 'sexual' as in the erotic stuff that teens do. And it's certainly not indicative of homosexuality.

I think you really liked Steven, this is normal, you had a close relationship with him. But, when you guys seperated, the friendship sorta ended, or perhaps more accurately, it did for him. Things get frozen in time when there's a seperation, you remember it as it was, rather than how it currently might be. This is especially so if you haven't found a replacement besty.

So, when he returned, you still experienced the intense feelings for him that you once had, and for him, they were part of the past, he's had other experiences and matured in his time in Glasgow. Maybe that's why he's sorta lukewarm towards you now.

I think you need to give him time and space, and recognize that what you had (and what you felt) were part of the past, things have changed as you've both matured. For you, b/c you haven't found a replacement (close friends) since his departure, it's easier for you to reexperiecne those old feelings more intensely.

Consider him as a 'new' friend, eventhough you've known him from the distant past, and reestablish things that way, slowly. I'd avoid talking about 'love', and I'd avoid sexual contact, at least until you've both reestablished a more current connection.

[oliphant360]

Thank you very much Sam, that helps a lot. Since movng up to High School I have had the opportunity to make new friends, and I did. I have a group of great friends, Steven is in a different 'clique' from me, which sort of makes it easier for me because I don't have to see him all the time. But thanks, another question. This is the only really gay thing I have done, apart from the occasional male porn site. I have had three or four long-term relationships with girls in the past two and a half years. I like girls but I can't get these mental images out of my head of dudes, am I gay, bi or what?

[byee]

This q comes up a lot, which gives me the opportunity to refine my answer, here's version 2.0: Homosexuality is on the inside, it's about the way you feel about yourself, the way you experience yourself and how you experience others. Arousal is determined by stuff outside yourself, like the things that you look at and find arousing. That's very different. eventhough the word "sexuality' is in involved, it's more about emotions and attachments and so on, which is why so many confuse the arousal with the attachment.

In your case, b/c you had this intense emotional relationship with Steven, it's understandable that you'd question yourself. However, you had it when you were 8, so its meaning is very different, and your current feelings (infatuation?) is based more on those immature feelings at 8, rather than an accurate awareness of these things now, as a teenager. So, no, I don't think that your feelings about Steven (then or now) necessarily indicate that you're gay. Besides, if you've been in a number of relationships with girls and have presumably enjoyed them, that would rule out homosexuality.

Just take it slow with Steven now, you're more likely reliving the past rather than basing it on current things, which leaves you particularly vulnerable to getting hurt.

[oliphant360]

Thanks very much, you've been very helpful!

[deltafan]

Text him, but not with the intention of knowing whether he likes you or not. Just talk casually to rebuild the relationship between the two of you. Then one day when you feel the time is right, try to bring out the subject slowly.

[curiousteen]

wow i would be heart broke to. just go to him and ask wut happened or just try go wit the flow

[charlie w]

as you still like him try and start from the begining, i know its hard but try not to mention the incident, it maybe that he is unconfortable with it or he is just confused

[tbboltz92]

I had something similar happen to me. what i think you need to do is abdon him in the sense of loveing him. Because your just going to keep your self unhappy and waititng.(trust me i've been there). You will find other peole to like and love just hang in there don't let this one person bank on your whole life. Remain his freind but don't try to love him as lover ya no it will only keep you unhappy. If he wants to get be wit you let him come to you about

[Prince_of_Peace]

I am iimpressed with IAMSAM....I think he is a doctor. Oliphant360...I hope you feel better. Its not good for a hot guy like you to be sad.

[PuppetPrince]

Hopefully you will slove this soon. =/
But i agree with SAM once more.

[nick]

If I've got this right you had a shared "curious" experience with you friend when you were both quite young. It seems as if you want to pick up on this and carry on from where you left of whereas he doesnt. This might indicate that you're gay or bi and want to explore this sexuality futher, whereas he's straight and wants to put the past behind him and move on in a different direction.

Whether you are gay or bi or not it seems to me that if he doesn't want to pick up on what you had before you've got to accept this and move on. Hopefully you can still be friends, but if he's not comfortable with the past you've got to let it go.

[Dayvid]

i think its great that he came back! even if things arnt the same as they used to be, he is still there in a sense. like you said... he didnt deny his feelings for you. something like this will probably need alot of time and space. let him process everything and this will also give you a chance to think it over aswell. As hard as it is to admit (even for me) life is full of compromises. I am not very good a giving advice but i sorta know how you feel.. im 16 and have only ever had one "true" love. we did the same things as kids as you guys did. and he died not to long ago,(he was 16) this is very different from your circumstances but i hate to see someone in pain and thinking that there the only one. the point im trying to make is that your not the only one in this position. No one ever has to deal with there problems on there own.. i felt alot better knowing that i wasn't the only kid out there that felt a great sense of loss when something from your past came back and and then immediately gets 'taken away' from you. I know this is a little dramatic but what your going through is a big deal! i just thought that this might help.

[oliphant360]

Thanks everyone for your help. I have grown to look past him and get on with my life. You have all really helped me and for that I am eternally grateful x

[Prince_of_Peace]

I am hoping that time has healed past hurts. If he has not come back, its time to move on. There are better things in life ahead of you. Trust God.

[billyjames]

i think ur prolly bi. if this happened to me, which never has, and hopefully never will cause i'm str8, i would do everything possible to get him back

[Patchy]

BillyJames,

This thread is old, please don't post in threads which haven't been posted in for a few weeks.

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