Why can't I let go?

[Jean Poutine]

A good friend of mine now (I got a lot better with people since I joined) is going through shit apparently. I can't help but worry. I can't help but to push on. I want to be there for her, I want to support her.

And I don't understand why she doesn't take my offer.

I just can't let go. She tells me not to worry, that she's okay by herself, but it's just impossible for me. It doesn't fit in my head. I think friendship is sharing your burdens before everything. I had a Catholic upbringing, and this shows in my conception of friendship. Friendship is defined by sacrifices. Sacrificing your time to help a friend, for example. Sacrificing anything to help a friend. I have to be there. I can't turn my head and pretend nothing is going on while she's struggling with her problems.

So I stick around. I offer myself. Offers that are never taken.

I don't understand. Why? Why not? It's actually doing my mood in. I feel like I'm an horrible friend for pushing on her what I think is best for her. Yet I'd also feel horrible if I didn't offer my help. I'm scared she thinks I just don't listen to her, that I've come back to my old egocentric ways (there is too much to tell here). Yet I'm scared I would also pass as egocentric if I didn't at least try to do something.

I have numerous flaws, but I just cannot sit here when someone's biting the dust. I have to lend a hand. I can't help it. I'm needy and clingy, I'm motivated by a lack of self-worth. I think I'm not worth shit so the least I can do is help others to be worth more than shit.

I find that I literally live through others. I'm insecure.

This may seem weird because I've always been a huge loner. I'm the person that helps without a word. I'm the good samaritan that doesn't ask any questions. Obviously my interactions with others were limited before to the hand I've tried to lend them, and I still didn't strike many friends. This is why I made it through high school relatively unscathed. I was an undiagnosed autistic person (diagnosed with Asperger's at 17...) throughout high school. I didn't have any friends, but people liked me because of my tendancy to help others. Jocks and nerds alike liked me even though I wasn't part of any clique and generally wasn't vocal. I didn't have friends but I wasn't bullied either.

Now that I've learned to be a little more vocal, I cannot help but to voice out my insecurity.

To use cruder language, I feel I'm not man enough in the pants, so I'm a goody two shoes to compensate. Even when the other's wishes are contrary to my own, I'm deluded with my conception of friendship. I must help, else I'm not worth shit. No matter what the other thinks.

I'd liken myself to spyware. I pretend to be helpful while what I'm really doing is living through you. By the pop-ups I spam you, to try to "help", even when you don't want them, I define my existance. I might seem like helpful with my numerous offers, but what I really am is an annoyance. You reach for HijackThis!, go into safe mode and nick my ass.

I'm a parasite. My helpfulness is only motivated out of a wounded ego, not from any great concern for others. I pretend it is. I pretend my motivations are pure. I may pretend I care.

Today, I see myself for what I really am. I'm using people as a way to define myself. I'm using them to gain a purpose.

The more I write, the more things become clear.

I'm now wondering if I shouldn't end our friendship. Even though I may be a parasite, I latch onto a certain code of honor. I pride myself on being one of the few teens with a sense of morals left, however warped these morals are. I talked about friendship being sacrifices earlier. I believe in this.

I believe in it so much that I would sacrifice one of my greatest friendships in the name of friendship. It makes no sense. It's an uneasy paradox. Yet I believe it can be done.

I just don't fucking know what to do anymore. I'm a bad friend. I don't want to end up hurting her. I'm contradicting myself but I really do care about her, even when I said I generally didn't care. If I erased myself, she'd just be sad for a while then move on.

I don't see what I can bring her aside from pain and suffering. I should just disappear from her life. I should stop latching onto her to define my self-worth. She has too much stuff going on and she doesn't need a clingy drama-queen "friend".

I know this is an huge post and I know it lacks any clear flow or concise logic. I hope that by reading my dislocated writing that you can view a little inside my mind. I'm a fucking mess right now. I know they're not fucking magic pills but SSRIs aren't stopping the huge wave of fucking uselessness crashing on me. I feel like I'm powerless to do anything. I can't help a friend. I'm useless. I hurt her by being useless and latching onto the faint hope that I can change something. Should I vanish from her life? Should I vanish altogether?

I always thought I had too much self-control to let my thoughts wander there. But I'm actually viewing suicide as a distinct possibility. I won't go and say that I wouldn't be missed because that's not true. My poor mother would be devastated and that's why I'm still alive. Like everyone here I've had my share of rough shit and suicide came to mind multiple times. I don't want my mom to lose her son, that's all. My sister turned out bad. My mom needs something to be proud of, especially as she dedicated her life to my sister and I. She is a very good mother. I never lacked anything, be it food, toys or love. I repay her today by still breathing.

But I never thought about suicide as strongly as I do now. The cold embrace of the nameless beyond has never been so attractive.

That's me being a drama queen over a simple rejection. Not even a rejection of any romantic feelings. Simply a rejection of my help. I never coped well with rejection.

Rejecting me in any way is simply the WORST FUCKING THING anyone can do to me. Rejecting my help feels like she's rejecting my friendship.

Congratulations if you've managed to read through this wall of text. I need a way to cope. Cutting myself or otherwise harming myself never seemed like a good solution. While my pain is generally directed inwards and the coping is mental, I develop a lot of aggression which is generally directed outwards. I'm glad I took up judo. I'll need to throw fools on the tatami.

I don't know if a friendship will be ended in the coming days for the best of both parties. I do know that I feel like absolute fucking shit. I do also know that I have huge social problems. I don't know if I should be honest with her and tell her. I do know that I need to take my distances.

Appointment with the shrink January 5.

What would you do? What's wrong with me?

[Hyper]

Well whats wrong with you is that you were having a panic attack.. Kind of..

I think you have a problem but since you know you have a problem and you already wrote out what the problem is you can try and control it till you can start dealing with the problem with the SHRINK!

Use your head.. You've got alot of logic and analysation just use those 2 abilities to help yourself understand & cope.

Your perfectly normal its just that a good side becomes a bothersome side once it passes on to an extreme

Your good quality is extreme and a way to compensate and that just doesn't work in the long run.

Sorry thats all I got I'm nearly falling asleep writing this gl Jason!

[byee]

Well, Jason, the best part of that very depressing story was the last part there about your next appt. with your new therapist being Jan. 5! Boy, do you have a lot of ground to cover with her, make sure you're on time.

Listen, the definiton of friend is different for each of us. But, maybe you're confusing 'friend' for something much more, maybe to compensate for what you've missed all these years? You might need to throttle it back a notch or two and modify your expectations accordingly. It takes time to get to the level of intimacy and intensity you want. But you'll get there, just give it time, and enjoy the ride. Part of the fun in building new relationships is getting to know someone and appreciating the acceleration from 'nothing' to finally achieving what you want with them. It subtle.

Suicide is stupid, it deprives you of finally getting all that you want and deserve. And, it deprives us of your presence. Moreso for those who have the priviledge of actually knowing you in real time.

[Jean Poutine]

Well, as you can notice I'm still alive. Suicide is oddly two-faced. Or I'm not desperate enough yet, or I'm not strong enough to attempt it.

That being said, a peculiarity of mine is that I find hope in hopeless situations. I hate giving up. To be honest I'd be pretty disappointed in myself if I ended my life, well, if I can feel such things as disappointment up there. So I suppose I'd be pretty disappointed in myself in the moments before dying.

It'd be like the greatest "game over" ever. And boy do "game over" screens piss me off! But at least I can try again in games. Not so here.

I'm a stubborn man, so it's clear suicide is out of the question even though I may speak about it sometimes. I'm like that. I'm the kind of guy that yells after objects and tells his computer he'll "fucking throw you motherfucker out the fucking window if you insist on crashing like a little bitch". But I never threw my computer out of the window. So it's pretty doubtful I'll even attempt suicide.

A good oxymoron in myself is that I have a very quick fuse and I'm extremely impatient. I still don't like to give up. I just keep trying no matter how much what I'm doing pisses me off (I find yelling after whatever pisses me off, be it a person, object or situation, helps). That being said...

A lot of Harmonium music (great band), a shower so hot that my bathroom was foggy when I got out and three bottles of V8 (that's 9 vegetable portions, and fuck off Canadian Nutritional Guide) + a glass of mineral water later, I do find that I took back control over my thoughts. As expressed earlier in my odd brand of black humor, I at least regained my wits and sense of humor.

I spent an horrible night, though. Oh well, stuff happens. Waking up at 5pm is kinda fun. The sun's already down. It's like if I missed the day completely.

First of all I did as Sam suggested and knocked a few notches. I don't think we're at the stage I thought we were. Her reluctance to share much of her problems with me is evident proof of this (no matter how much it pisses me off, it's not like I can extract her problems with pincers and read them).

So I took the failproof method and asked her if she needed time to herself. She said yes. So I'm leaving her alone until she decides she doesn't want to be alone. At the same time, it'll allow me to focus my thoughts and decide at what stage we are, then act accordingly. I think I went a little obsessive there and surestimated.

I was talking about sacrifices. Perhaps this is at least one that needs to be done. We both need time to recollect our thoughts for different reasons. So time with her and some happiness I will sacrifice. Gladly.

Hyper, I wrote about my problem, you are right, and it's that I need to harden up. I'm still relatively new to all of this and I mustn't take offense where none is intended. I said that rejection is the worst experience for me. I need to cope with that and ignore the feeling.

Sorry for the ultra-long posts, one thing I'm bad at is being concise and clear. I tend to ramble. I also find writing kinda helps, but it helps more if you know someone else is going to read it.

Anyhow, thanks brahs.

[byee]

I think it's good we're now one day closer to that Jan. 5 appt! LOL!

listen, Jason, I think it shows strength to not suicide, not weakness. I'd encourage you to put that spin on it, even if you don't consder suicide an option, it's a good start to reevaluate some of the ways you see yourself.

I'd also encourage you to not take your friends wish for 'space' too personally. I'd also encourage you to realize that means that she doesn't want to talk about certain *things*, rather than not hear from you at all. People have different needs at different times in relationships, but in that context of wanting their boundaries respected, they also recongize the value (and need) of contact on other things and in other ways. Translation: It's not an 'all or nothing' propostition here.

[Jean Poutine]

Shrink in two days.

Boy do I have a lot of stuff to tell her. She says she wants to ask me a few questions about my past to see if my anxiety has a cause.

I'll have to tell her about this whole dealio.
I'll also have to tell her about the girl I exposed through this topic.
I'll have to tell her about the side effects I'm experiencing with my current meds.
And I also get to answer her questions about my childhood.

Thanks God, psychiatrists are covered by Canadian health care.

[byee]

Yay, 2 days!

IMNSHO, Jason, talk about the meds first, then let her know you've got an agenda, so there's time for you to process some of this, rather than her using the time to ask background q's.