INFERNO
December 27th, 2008, 08:08 PM
Hello all, I'm 19 years old, 2nd year university going for double major biology and psychology. I haven't chosen one single career pathway I'd like, so of course, there's a small list: neuroscience/neurosurgery, infectious diseases, emergency medicine, pharmacutical research, forensic psychology (mostly profiling as I'm already very good at reading a person) or some other abnormal psychology field.
For some reason, whenever I tell people I wish to go into a field of abnormal psychology or forensic psychology, they tend to tell me or ask me whether or not I'm "normal" or have no disorders. This is not the case. I have a small list of disorders, which does not even begin to describe the trail of darkness and everything else I tend to face daily to weekly:
- Personality Disorders Not Otherwise Specified (Anti-social, narcissistic, schizotypal)
- Schizophrenia (paranoia with visual and auditory hallucinations)
- DID (this is NOT professionally diagnosed although my therapist and some other people have suspected I have it)
- Sadism/ "addiction" to pain of others, violence and blood
With the sadism, I have some "rules". I used to (key word in this is used to) go for the torture/pain of animals, however, now for some reason I have yet to figure out, it disgusts me. Makes me incredibly angry. When it is done to humans (men, women/pregnant women, children) I have no problem seeing it. I call it an addiction as when I see it, I get a wonderful rush of excitement, relaxation, wanting to learn more, etc... . When I stop with it, either it plays in my head at certain times or I get thoughts/commands that are not mine that instruct me of how to do it, who to do it to, when, etc... . If I quit with watching it or try to block it out, I get this craving for it until that dissipates. However, even simple things as someone sad or crying I find humourous and the addiction kicks back in again.
Whether this has to do with antisocial personality disorder or schizophrenia or something else, my emotions are well, none really. It's almost all anger that's suppressed everything else (including itself) so I feel nothing. When I should feel something, it's usually some degree of anger or nothing. The sadism doesn't make me happy, just excited but still feeling nothing.
On a last note, I've been told my morals, reactions and such are screwed up. I sometimes go for hours on end with constant hallucinations and decided one thing: I am fairly screwed up.
For some reason, whenever I tell people I wish to go into a field of abnormal psychology or forensic psychology, they tend to tell me or ask me whether or not I'm "normal" or have no disorders. This is not the case. I have a small list of disorders, which does not even begin to describe the trail of darkness and everything else I tend to face daily to weekly:
- Personality Disorders Not Otherwise Specified (Anti-social, narcissistic, schizotypal)
- Schizophrenia (paranoia with visual and auditory hallucinations)
- DID (this is NOT professionally diagnosed although my therapist and some other people have suspected I have it)
- Sadism/ "addiction" to pain of others, violence and blood
With the sadism, I have some "rules". I used to (key word in this is used to) go for the torture/pain of animals, however, now for some reason I have yet to figure out, it disgusts me. Makes me incredibly angry. When it is done to humans (men, women/pregnant women, children) I have no problem seeing it. I call it an addiction as when I see it, I get a wonderful rush of excitement, relaxation, wanting to learn more, etc... . When I stop with it, either it plays in my head at certain times or I get thoughts/commands that are not mine that instruct me of how to do it, who to do it to, when, etc... . If I quit with watching it or try to block it out, I get this craving for it until that dissipates. However, even simple things as someone sad or crying I find humourous and the addiction kicks back in again.
Whether this has to do with antisocial personality disorder or schizophrenia or something else, my emotions are well, none really. It's almost all anger that's suppressed everything else (including itself) so I feel nothing. When I should feel something, it's usually some degree of anger or nothing. The sadism doesn't make me happy, just excited but still feeling nothing.
On a last note, I've been told my morals, reactions and such are screwed up. I sometimes go for hours on end with constant hallucinations and decided one thing: I am fairly screwed up.