Not My Choice

[BeautifulSilence]

But I'm gonna start thinking about my mother's feelings before my own...

Finally, a day together without her fiancée present... It was great until:

I don't know why, but I just got all emotional after getting pissed off by another argument. After a few minutes of silence, I started to follow her around, waiting for an opportunity to enjoy a hug. I was waiting ages because, as always, she's too busy for me. So, I took the chance when she decided to lie down after feeling worn out.

I just hugged her and she immediately assumed I was after something. Having previously refuse to open any presents, she picked up her card to me (which contained my main gift of £80 in cash and vouchers) and told me to open it.

I busted into tears and started saying "NO!". She said "Come on, take your present..." I replied by saying that the hug was my present. It seems weird to say, but the last year sorta flashed in that minute that I was holding on to her... And although my actions and outbursts or whatever you want to call them were, in many cases, a direct result of her choices... I did feel sorry for her. She'd done a good job at looking after me for at least 10 years of my life... And I believe that she takes me for granted as much as I do her.

There are a few things that she's done which has contributed to my current psychologically unstable state... Such as alcoholism, neglect and sexual abuse... But all that aside, she's still my mum and one day, she will be all alone.

So, instead of throwing another tantrum when she asked if her [-]boyfriend[/-] fiancée could sleep on Christmas day, I told her it wasn't my choice. And I am going to try to be nice to him when he gets here.

I've suddenly realised that through all the hate that has boiled up over the years, there's a love that I will never go or not. For whatever reason, be it my choice or not. So, whether or not I agree with her actions, I have to appreciate what I have before it's too late.

[nachtspiegel]

Even though I have a few things I'd like to say over the general idea of the matter, I'm going to respond one point at a time. It should've been a red blinking light in your mother's head when you just wanted a hug. And for something so simple as a hug to be so emotional... you know that means problems. You need to have a heart-to-heart with your mother during a moment that doesn't contain the flood of emotion and tell her what you need from her. However, I don't see how she's done a "good job" looking after you if she has exposed you to her alcoholism, sexually abused you, and neglected you (as I presume you mean). That doesn't come off - and simply isn't - things that a mother that has done a "good job" looking after her daughter does to her. I think, underneath everything else, the red alarm should be blinking that you're shoving trauma from her alcoholism, sexual abuse, and neglect under the rug as if it never were. I really would like to help, but I'll leave it at this until you reply.

[BeautifulSilence]

Well, as far as I can remember, I was happy as a child. And that stuff didn't start until my father left... So.. Yeah...

I think that the hug definitely changed something because she actually started to care about what I had to say on things. Like, having her partner stay over - she wouldn't normally bother asking me.

I have a hard time physically announcing any problems... And I do tend to keep emotions to myself, which is why I've never really confronted her about anything... Except when we argue..