Ugh, wish things were different...

[Sapphire]

I feel so sick.
I'm trembling (though am sort of getting that under more control).
I want to stop these thoughts.
I want to stop feeling like this.

Cutting helped each and every time I was in this situation. It would bring me a sense of calm in both a physical sense and a psychological sense.
But, I cannot do it. Not only would it be too much for my boyfriend to find out, but I don't have any blades.

I don't know of anything which will help as much as seeing the blood and feeling the pain. I've been exposed to them both so much that a simple substitute isn't enough.

I wish that I was either completely "healthy" or a complete mess. At least that way I would be able to receive help if it was needed or just sail through life.
But, no. I'm in the middle and they have their money on me getting worse. What are they doing to actually help me? Nothing. They've fobbed me off.

[Hyper]

Well thats a stupid way to think. The only thing you should want is one of those 2 options and thats being ''healthy''

I wish I could tell you something that could help you with the urges ( by something I mean an activity other by cutting ) but I can't. Its different for everyone I have mine and they help.

I could say look at the bright side.. Which is ironic as I remember how that used to piss me off but I'm still going to say it since in the end it did help a little..

But in the end all I can say is don't give up you've come far and giving up for just one minute will throw all of that progress away. I know its hard but unless we try things don't get better and unless we don't do it to ourselves things can't get much worse.

[jacknife]

Who are "they" and why aren't they helping you? :(

[Sapphire]

I'm just despondent. That is what it boils down to.
The mental health services have deemed me to be too "together" at the moment to consider helping me, but too screwed up to get through life without needing to be referred to them again. It is as if they have handed me a death sentence and then just walked off.

[jacknife]

I'm just despondent. That is what it boils down to.
The mental health services have deemed me to be too "together" at the moment to consider helping me, but too screwed up to get through life without needing to be referred to them again. It is as if they have handed me a death sentence and then just walked off.
It's sad. The only way to get help is to actively attempt to be more "messed up." Our society today promotes a lot of actions like that. You shouldn't have to dig yourself a deeper hole just to have someone care enough to pull you out.

There must be ways you can get better without relying on the mental health services, yes?

[Sapphire]

I am in counselling at the moment and it will help me to identify where I'm going wrong with a few things. I am trying to make the most of this because it really could help me if we really focused on a couple of things and would be the best use of our limited time together. But she seems more concerned with identifying all of my issues and talking a little about all of them.

EDIT
I don't know how to deal with feeling disgusting after sexual activities. I used to find that cutting after showering helped ease the intensity of my emotions to a tolerable level. The trouble is that I am not turning to that anymore and I don't have anything that will help ease the barrage of self-criticism.

[jacknife]

I am in counselling at the moment and it will help me to identify where I'm going wrong with a few things. I am trying to make the most of this because it really could help me if we really focused on a couple of things and would be the best use of our limited time together. But she seems more concerned with identifying all of my issues and talking a little about all of them.
Well you should tell her exactly that. See what she says. She might be willing to change her approach if you let her know what you think the more important factors are.

I don't know how to deal with feeling disgusting after sexual activities.
Do you feel disgusting? Why? I would recommend you stop doing anything sexual with anyone if you feel disgusting afterward. There's no reason to consent your self to an experience that 's supposed to be pleasurable if you get nothing pleasurable out of it.

[Sapphire]

Well you should tell her exactly that. See what she says. She might be willing to change her approach if you let her know what you think the more important factors are.Yeah, I will.

Do you feel disgusting? Why? I would recommend you stop doing anything sexual with anyone if you feel disgusting afterward. There's no reason to consent your self to an experience that 's supposed to be pleasurable if you get nothing pleasurable out of it.
I don't know why.
Sorry, but no. That is not the solution. I am able to enjoy it at times.

[jacknife]

I am able to enjoy it at times.
Oh! Well, then, nevermind. :) I thought you were saying you never get anything pleasurable out of it.


I hope everything goes well with your therapist. You're strong enough to pull through this. I can tell. ;)