citysmoker420
December 19th, 2008, 11:06 PM
ive never told the whole story... this is the first time ive ever actually told what happend... most of what happend i told to a guy i met on a different forum ( that i was banned from)
(he is penguin)
i never really had any friends up till 6th grade
i was homeschooled
penguins
then i moved in with my dad
and shit went well
thru highschool
penguins
isolated generally
penguins
i had all the firends i wantd
i never had friends
penguins
kids were callin me up
until i was like 16
penguins
anyway
i was a t aparty once
yea
penguins
kids were drinkn and shut
my best friend micah was sleepin over
and we were talkin to these 3 girls
i had hooked up with one...
yea
penguins
micah's girlfriend was another one
and the third
was "that girl"
the slutty one...
y'no
oh
penguins
yep
penguins
just the attention WHORE
yea
penguins
handjobs on the bus... you know...
anyway
def :x
penguins
I NEVER GOT WITH HER
and i was sayin bye
yea
penguins
and i like "the impulsive me" cuz i never fuckin think
i pulled on her waistband
and let it snap
lol
penguins
and i said ooh snap
gotta go
and micah and I peaced
now the next morning i got up
and as soon as i signed on to aim igot
123132 messages
o
penguins
from who
penguins
YO I HURD U RAPED JULIA!
wwhat
penguins
YO U RAPED JULIA?
I HEARD U FINGERED HER
lol what
penguins
WHAT DID U DO TO JULIA!
lol
penguins
so she told everybody that i stuck my finger in her
she told her mom that
her mom called the cops
wow
penguins
the next day
did u?
penguins
NO
wtf
penguins
i didnt even coem close
her mom called the cops?
penguins
i was arrested the next day
for WHAT
penguins
i was 13 at the time
for sexual assault 4th degree
..
penguins
which is a class C misdameor
so...
im like
OMG
oMG
omg
this cant be happening
i was sooo angry
luckilly my familly belived me
and we got taken to teh station
printed
and
my dad got a lawyer
so after that
my dad had me on a fucking leash
ah
penguins
y'no
like
yeah strict
penguins
i would be messing round with gilr
sand my mom would hear about it
and she would flip a shit
cuz it could be used agianst me in court... idk man
anyway so i lost about all my friends
wow
penguins
from that?
penguins
so it went to court
holy shit
penguins
i was berrated abotu it in school
everyday
i went to court 3 times
and we got them to drop the charges and have it expunged from my record
if i serve 6months probation
and if i break the law
im fucked
so im like ok
i was 13.. at the time mind you
my parents thought that if they sent me to a behavioral place/theraputic program
it would make me more responsible... (this one did) and it would show the judge that i was williing to make changes
now i didint know any of this
i thought i was going to camp
my dad drove me to the airport and walked me to the gate.. whioch was weird because noramlly i just go meet my camp friends
and i notice hes crying...
im like
woah
whats goin on
so he says JD i love you.. andi starte freaking out
like whats goin on
and these 2 guys started draggin me onto the plane
and one sat with tme the whole way
took my fone
and i was freaking out
so 12 hours later
wait...
n
8 hrs later
im having everything taken away fro mme
my clothes...
everything
they gave me this fuckin huge pack
and shit...
they serched me
and watched me get underssed
they checked my mouth
uhh
ok so
4 hrs later im in wilderness
i have no idea why
or what is goin on
now the whole time im there my parents are having a shitfit with eachother
and fighting a custody war over who gets me
my sister and brother have no idea where i am...
i just...
i was soo angry...
i had no idea
i was at 13,000ft in utah mountains... or at 4000 in the dessert
for 2 months...
hiking 14 miles a day
with a 80lbs pack
so my moms hired an ed consultant
and my dad hired her too
but she saw through my dads bull
and he
fired her
cuz he was a control freek
from there...
i had no idea...
you hiked all day?
penguins
was it for troubled people?
penguins
yeah..
yeah
pretty much
i was in a group with addicts and criminals...
i dont liek to use that phrase but yeah
everyone there was there for emotional issues/drug issues/law
thats not the bad part tho
so what the fuck was walking all day doing for you
penguins
building character
its along story
ill explain l8r
anyway
so from there
i was transported to MAINE
IRonwood RTC
i was told i was goin to AS CHOOL
WITH SOME FINE ASS GIRLS
they showed me a fake manuel
and im like... hey this aint so bad
i get there...
they take my shit again
i get drug tested
i get put in a orange jumpsuit
and have weighted boots strapped to my fet
and thrown in a circle of rocks
all day
then sleepin on plywood and a army blanket at night
no showers or nothin
eatin shitty food
what the fuck is that?
penguins
i was in there for 16 days my first time
i tried to run twice
and everytime
i got knocked the fuck out
where did u actually go though?
penguins
so i had to be there for 6 months...
Second Nature Wilderness program, Duchane Utah
Ironwood residential treatment center, maine
67 captain cushman rd 01167
any way
so it was hell for 3 months
and then i advanced a level
i was soo happy
i taked to my parents on the fone fer the first titme in 6 motnsh
i started to cry i was soo happy
2 weeks later
i lost my yellow
over something stupid
i flipped out
i clawed at myself
i freaked out
when they tried to take my shirt
i freaked out
i picked up a rock
and i said ill do it!! i will
to prove to them
that i..
idk
i was soo angry
idk
i was soo upset
idk
ironwood im looking at the site
penguins
DONT BELIVE A WORD
ITS ALL A LIE
EVERY DAMN WORD OF IT
ITS A SITE TO FOOL PEOPLE
IALLL THOSE PICUTRES DONT SHIOW SHIT
DONT BELIVE IT
I SAW A KDI DIE THERE
I SAW 2 KIDS BLEEDING ON THE FLOOR
I WOKE UP IN A POOL OF BLOOD AND THROW UP.. THEN REALIZED IT WAS MINE
i saw a kid get a nail threw his toe
and another get kicked in the ribs by a horse
i got taken to a psych ward for 3 days...
then i chilled out...
it was never the same
i advanced to lvl 3...
things were goin ok
i just worked my ass off from there...
and i finally left
january 11th
my parents took me out
i wwas so happy
i cried
...
you've been through alot in your life already
penguins
i was a t home
are you diagnosed with anything
penguins
sitting alone
im diagnosed with ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWX....Y AND Z
dude...
i got everyhthing
me too it sux
penguins
ADD/Adhd, NLD, OCD, LD, GAD, PTSD, ODD, Deppression, GDD, Suicidal, TAR, SCC
just to name most...
im not OOD
or suicidal
im just upset and lonley...
after there
i was put in what i thought would be a normal shcool
coming from where i was
it was heaven
but then
a bout a month into it
i realized it was bad too
you had liek no right
s
they could still restrain you
you coodnt be outta site for more then 15 minutes
man...
i was there for another 6 months...
and then the search for schools begain agai
my friends didnt udnertsnad
nobody did
tht school and ironwood fucked me up soo bad
i started cutting...
i tried all that shit there..
i did inhalence kid
dude these places are like jails arent they
penguins
worse...
ive been to juvi
what are they like
penguins
its nott aht bad
jail isnt that bad
the food in prison
are they meant to like scare the shit out of you or something these places
penguins
is better then Ironwood
pretty much...
but make u change
and...
idk
kids needed to be there
how were the rooms
penguins
soem didnt
whcih??
which program
everywhere
penguins
well
iron lad
penguins
we didnt have rooms at SN
ironwood
penguins
ooh
why
penguins
ironwood
at second nature??
WE DIDNT EVEN HAVE A FUCKING TENT
where did u sleep
penguins
we had a tarp and some string!!!
outside?
penguins
yeah!
rain sleet or snow
what the fuck is that
penguins
our "shelter
was it like terrible
penguins
nah
well yeah
but
sounds horrible
penguins
i lived
it was...
at first
you learn alot
ican make fire
like what
penguins
with nothing
how to be a friend
penguins
idk..
pretty much i guess
its hard to explain man
i cood explain it to u in erson
any way
ironwood..
u were watched constantly
u slept in a room with 7 other ppl
guys
bunkbeds
no mattess
u got a shitty lil pad..
that was deflated...
about half an icnh thick
and 4 ft long
u got a gross ass army blanket
and a ratty sleeping bag that didnt zip
the door was left WIDE OPEN
every night
so it was hard as shit to sleep
there were cmeras everywhere
WAS IT COLD
penguins
was it cold...
FUCKINGN FREEEEEEZING!!!!!!!!!!
why
penguins
IT WAS FUCKING COLD AS HELL!!!!!!
they didnt wanna pay fr heat?
penguins
ooh?
u mean inside
nahh inside was finneee
but for the first 4 motnhs and alot of the last 2
u were outside
THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME
dude
we did soo much work
i cut, split, and stacked
at least......
what kind of work
penguins
10 cords of wood
by myself
in that whole time
a cord
is 4x4x8
so thats about
...
penguins
thats like slave labr isnt it
penguins
did ur parents pay alot for it
penguins
or is it insurance
penguins
lol
penguins
400000 pounds
yeah dude
u live where?
penguins
54,000
i did the math
ok
penguins
my dad spent about a million dollars
for all this shit
wow
penguins
wow is right
so...
dud
e
it was horrible
they had guard dogs
blood hound
they had Ex-Military and ex-law enforcement
have u ever been restrained
i was tazed..
yes
penguins
it sucked
ive been restrained 12 times
but nobody put up more of a fight than this one girl
Direct Instant Message session started
shes hot right
damn man that sounds like hellish
penguins
the girls there wereent bad lookin
shes good lookinh ys
penguins
but!
we coodit even look at em yo
like
seriously
u weren allowed to touch ANYBODY
no high fives?
penguins
i guess...
but it was against the rules
anyway
it sounds like a prison to keep u out of the legal system
penguins
lmao
penguins
i watched a kid burn to deaht.....
how
penguins
that scarred me
ive never been the same
he couldnt take it any more
what was that like
penguins
that was the second time
have you ever seen harry potter
you know the thestrals?
you can only see them
if u've seen DEATH
well...
i could see them
i have seen DEATH
its not something that is ok...
it was....
horrid
like...
watching a carcrash in slow motion.... but mute is on.... theres no sound.... and you know the two cars are going to crash... and the children inside will die... exept for one... and he will be put in an orphanage... and theres nothing you can do
was he screamign
penguins
you couldnt hear it
why
penguins
they took us out back
what happened though
penguins
his name was danny...
why was he burning to death
penguins
he had been there
for almost a yr and a half
i wooda killed myself too
so...
he lit himself on fire?
penguins
ill explain
would*
penguins
could*
penguins
sorry im a grammar tutor
penguins
private tutor
penguins
lol
penguins
so..
he was sent there
and he tried to kill himself
i forget how
but he was rushed to the hospital
ohh yeah
i remmber
he slit his wrists ankles and his neck...
he didnt do his neck
or 1 or two other right
they rushed him to the hospita
he lived..
but...
he develpped bacterial managites
he lost most of all his appendeges
he had no legs
from above the knee down
exept he had half a knee caop
it was horrid
to look at
like a chicken wing with the skin torn off
he had
no arms...
he had a permenent joint
as an elbo
and imagine
instead of hands
he had... paws...
imagine no fingers
or thumbs
thats what he had
exept no forearm...
the "palms" were on his elbos
exept no wrist
he was mithink alot of his teeth
and his nose was fucked up
wtf
penguins
was he mean
penguins
yeah...
or nice
penguins
well...
he was nice...
it was danny...
i mean...
there were times..
how old was he
penguins
he was a dickk
17...
he took the most staph to restrain
cuz he had no limbs
lol
penguins
and that fucker was strong as hell
for a cripple
any way...
staff*
penguins
he graduated
and then got sent back
did he smell u think or what
penguins
he smelt soo bad
really
penguins
he had fake legs
and they smelt HORRRRRABLE
did they?
penguins
what did it smell like
penguins
horrid
idk
was it like a body odor
penguins
rotten eggs mixed with hot dihereah
ew
penguins
like i gaggged
i remmber the first night
i couldnt look at him
i was scareed
anyway...
where was i
at grove school
i met some fucked up kids
and i just...
idk
i became fuckd up...
i just got worse and worse through this shit
drugs?
penguins
iduno
yeah..
some
never weed
there atleast
coke
penguins
nope
speed... ritalin... seroquil...
glue
seroquel...wtf?
penguins
glue?!
penguins
yeah...
i regret it
u glued?
penguins
no...
yeah...
kidna
nice
penguins
no
did it ruin u
penguins
not nice
i dont wanan talk about it
tell me about it
penguins
it was bad
i used drugs to a horrible extent as well
penguins
like...
what happened
penguins
i didnt abuse drugs...
i was kinda..
idk
dude!
im not crazy
ok
penguins
im not...
i know
penguins
i started cutting
but what was it like for you sniffing glue
penguins
spacey
i passed out
angrY?
penguins
nahh
i dont remmber
anyway..
you did it alot??
penguins
NOOO
cut?
oh
penguins
no glue
penguins
no ididnt
but cutting, did you do that alot?
penguins
but cutting.... mann
yeah..
what was so attractive about slicing
penguins
my arms are all scared up...
you wont undetstand it
unless uve done it
i did it for multiple reasons
i have done it for kicks
penguins
same...
but never saw the thrill
penguins
i dont feel pain any more..
like
you could cut me...
i wouldt even flinnch
thats no good
penguins
expecialy my arms
do you like to be hurt?
penguins
noooo
im not messed up dude...
im really not
like im just sharing with you my past...
im not saying you're messed up man
penguins
and how bad these programs made my hed..
.i dont liek ur questions dude
a lot of people do different things
penguins
u sound like a crappy therapist
i can read therapists like a fucking book
lol
penguins
i might as well be a psych major
im a forensic psychology major
penguins
i understand the mind so well
mm
intresting
so...
idk
man
thers more
i guess
so i fianlly got outta the grove
grove is?
penguins
and my mom was searchign fro schools
for so long
the theraputic boarding school
oooh shit
noo
dude
i forgot
THATS WHERE i was doing those drugs
and started cutting...
like
it was a baordingschool
but....
morelike...
idk
the place where u coodnt be outta site for more then 15 munutes
anyway...
so
i finally got out
cuz my mom and i fought soooo hard
against my dad
cuz he wanted his moneys worth...
and he thought that i was that messed up
cuz i disrespected him....
bull shit
he deserved it
anyway
one night
i cooodnt take his shit
and i asked my mom to ocme pick me up
he woodnt let me leave
my mom came
my siste rand i went upstairs and hugged
i missed her
itd been only like a week
but...
shes my twinn
i miss her bad right now
hol on
ima txt her
tell her i love her
penguins
i told her
nice
penguins
"i love you sarah, ur the best sister a brother can ask for, miss you like crazy and cant wait to see u"
anyway.
sso my siter an i
were just chillin upstairs
and suddenly i hear this scream
a piercing scream
almost non human
it still haunts me
it makes me want to puke
like i can taste bile just thinkin about it
my sister and i
look at easchother
wide eyed
and i hear it again
we both realize its mom
and fucking BOLT DOWN THE STAIRS
I RUN DOWN TO FIND MY DAD SLAMMING THE DOOR ON MY MOM!! I SCREAM WHAT THE FCUK!!!!!! I PUSH MY DAD, HE FLYS OVER THE TABLE AND I PUSH HIM AGAINST THE WALL AND SHOUTED AT HIM DONT FUCKING TOUCH HER
his wife
started bitching at me
i turn around
look at her
and say
very quietly
shut.
the fuck up
you gold digging whore
WOW
penguins
i went upstairs
is he jewish
penguins
too
penguins
grabbed my shit and left
yeah.
we got in the car
drove..
my sister was stunned
my dad tried to call the cops
he called all of us
we didntnser
my sister didnt speek for 2 days
..
alll she could say
was to my mom
"im ashamed"
wow
penguins
she was never the same
we were still looking for a school for me... we had found a school that seemd great. i went the next day and put on my best face... i didnt really anser questioins about my prior places... i just wanted to start fresh.... i went to a boarding school over the summer called EHS.... if i went to the summer program i had a better chance of being accepted to it for the year... well that summer was great... i made friends... my best friend was this girl stephhanie.. i had a girlfriend melanie... i was happy... i really was... the happiest id been in awhile... melanie had issues.... she was a drama queen... she caused me so much angst... i started cutting again... and really working out.... it gave me control... i used my locker key... i wore short sleaved shirts... i dint care waht anybody thought... one day they pulld me into the office... and the nurse checked out my cuts.... my parents were called...and they "JD are u really this FUCKE DU!P AMYBE U BELONG IN IRONWOOD!" i was shocked... i passed out....
after EHS i went home and tried to reconnect with my friends... i did... i thought i di... there was still a rift between us tho... not so large... i was almost content....
i was accepted to dublin.... a school in NH that seemed good....
it was far away
at dublin i was picked on relentlessly
i had one friend "allen" me and allen used to joke all the time... as one of our fucking around shits i made a fuck tube and afake dildo named the tube roxanne and the dildo romeo..... one day i was on my computer... and i heard kids yelling and laughing otuside.. i looked outside and too my horor i found kids tossing around roxanne on the quad.... i was shocked... my face burned with the intensity of fire.... i couldnt breath.... (MIND YOU THIS WAS THE 3RD WEEK!!!!!)
i was harrased constantly... i found out... this kid ausitin took it... and then another kid kevin took it out onto the quad... he came up... i was ready to kick the shit out of him... i couldnt... he was so sorry... he begged me to hit him... i didnt i just tlked to him... i had cut that day... i lifted my sleave and showd him the blood and he felt even worse.... i said "ive been here 3 weeks... because of you my life here will never be the same"
i had so much shit stolen there.... money... my ipod... my computer broken... my glass bowl given to me by my cousin hwo is shipping out to iraq in 3 weeks... my bong.... that i made in honor of my friend.... i had my bed fucked up while i was gone... my mac charger cut
i took (take) shit everyday in class... expciclly from my roomate who is a total asshole...i had no friends
now i am on break... home is bad... i cannot smoke (which was really my only source of happniness) i am spiralling into a MANIC depression.. i feel as though i have been stabbed in the chest with a hot knife of betraal.. i was stood up tnight by "my best friends" and i have nobody... my sister is angry at me... because i did nt go over to see her because "my friends" were coming over and we were gunna call some girls
i have recently started smoking (cigs.. more then i used to) and drinking...
i need help... idk... i jiust want to be happy..... i consider whoever has taken to the time to read this a friend....
sincerly,
JD (city)
(he is penguin)
i never really had any friends up till 6th grade
i was homeschooled
penguins
then i moved in with my dad
and shit went well
thru highschool
penguins
isolated generally
penguins
i had all the firends i wantd
i never had friends
penguins
kids were callin me up
until i was like 16
penguins
anyway
i was a t aparty once
yea
penguins
kids were drinkn and shut
my best friend micah was sleepin over
and we were talkin to these 3 girls
i had hooked up with one...
yea
penguins
micah's girlfriend was another one
and the third
was "that girl"
the slutty one...
y'no
oh
penguins
yep
penguins
just the attention WHORE
yea
penguins
handjobs on the bus... you know...
anyway
def :x
penguins
I NEVER GOT WITH HER
and i was sayin bye
yea
penguins
and i like "the impulsive me" cuz i never fuckin think
i pulled on her waistband
and let it snap
lol
penguins
and i said ooh snap
gotta go
and micah and I peaced
now the next morning i got up
and as soon as i signed on to aim igot
123132 messages
o
penguins
from who
penguins
YO I HURD U RAPED JULIA!
wwhat
penguins
YO U RAPED JULIA?
I HEARD U FINGERED HER
lol what
penguins
WHAT DID U DO TO JULIA!
lol
penguins
so she told everybody that i stuck my finger in her
she told her mom that
her mom called the cops
wow
penguins
the next day
did u?
penguins
NO
wtf
penguins
i didnt even coem close
her mom called the cops?
penguins
i was arrested the next day
for WHAT
penguins
i was 13 at the time
for sexual assault 4th degree
..
penguins
which is a class C misdameor
so...
im like
OMG
oMG
omg
this cant be happening
i was sooo angry
luckilly my familly belived me
and we got taken to teh station
printed
and
my dad got a lawyer
so after that
my dad had me on a fucking leash
ah
penguins
y'no
like
yeah strict
penguins
i would be messing round with gilr
sand my mom would hear about it
and she would flip a shit
cuz it could be used agianst me in court... idk man
anyway so i lost about all my friends
wow
penguins
from that?
penguins
so it went to court
holy shit
penguins
i was berrated abotu it in school
everyday
i went to court 3 times
and we got them to drop the charges and have it expunged from my record
if i serve 6months probation
and if i break the law
im fucked
so im like ok
i was 13.. at the time mind you
my parents thought that if they sent me to a behavioral place/theraputic program
it would make me more responsible... (this one did) and it would show the judge that i was williing to make changes
now i didint know any of this
i thought i was going to camp
my dad drove me to the airport and walked me to the gate.. whioch was weird because noramlly i just go meet my camp friends
and i notice hes crying...
im like
woah
whats goin on
so he says JD i love you.. andi starte freaking out
like whats goin on
and these 2 guys started draggin me onto the plane
and one sat with tme the whole way
took my fone
and i was freaking out
so 12 hours later
wait...
n
8 hrs later
im having everything taken away fro mme
my clothes...
everything
they gave me this fuckin huge pack
and shit...
they serched me
and watched me get underssed
they checked my mouth
uhh
ok so
4 hrs later im in wilderness
i have no idea why
or what is goin on
now the whole time im there my parents are having a shitfit with eachother
and fighting a custody war over who gets me
my sister and brother have no idea where i am...
i just...
i was soo angry...
i had no idea
i was at 13,000ft in utah mountains... or at 4000 in the dessert
for 2 months...
hiking 14 miles a day
with a 80lbs pack
so my moms hired an ed consultant
and my dad hired her too
but she saw through my dads bull
and he
fired her
cuz he was a control freek
from there...
i had no idea...
you hiked all day?
penguins
was it for troubled people?
penguins
yeah..
yeah
pretty much
i was in a group with addicts and criminals...
i dont liek to use that phrase but yeah
everyone there was there for emotional issues/drug issues/law
thats not the bad part tho
so what the fuck was walking all day doing for you
penguins
building character
its along story
ill explain l8r
anyway
so from there
i was transported to MAINE
IRonwood RTC
i was told i was goin to AS CHOOL
WITH SOME FINE ASS GIRLS
they showed me a fake manuel
and im like... hey this aint so bad
i get there...
they take my shit again
i get drug tested
i get put in a orange jumpsuit
and have weighted boots strapped to my fet
and thrown in a circle of rocks
all day
then sleepin on plywood and a army blanket at night
no showers or nothin
eatin shitty food
what the fuck is that?
penguins
i was in there for 16 days my first time
i tried to run twice
and everytime
i got knocked the fuck out
where did u actually go though?
penguins
so i had to be there for 6 months...
Second Nature Wilderness program, Duchane Utah
Ironwood residential treatment center, maine
67 captain cushman rd 01167
any way
so it was hell for 3 months
and then i advanced a level
i was soo happy
i taked to my parents on the fone fer the first titme in 6 motnsh
i started to cry i was soo happy
2 weeks later
i lost my yellow
over something stupid
i flipped out
i clawed at myself
i freaked out
when they tried to take my shirt
i freaked out
i picked up a rock
and i said ill do it!! i will
to prove to them
that i..
idk
i was soo angry
idk
i was soo upset
idk
ironwood im looking at the site
penguins
DONT BELIVE A WORD
ITS ALL A LIE
EVERY DAMN WORD OF IT
ITS A SITE TO FOOL PEOPLE
IALLL THOSE PICUTRES DONT SHIOW SHIT
DONT BELIVE IT
I SAW A KDI DIE THERE
I SAW 2 KIDS BLEEDING ON THE FLOOR
I WOKE UP IN A POOL OF BLOOD AND THROW UP.. THEN REALIZED IT WAS MINE
i saw a kid get a nail threw his toe
and another get kicked in the ribs by a horse
i got taken to a psych ward for 3 days...
then i chilled out...
it was never the same
i advanced to lvl 3...
things were goin ok
i just worked my ass off from there...
and i finally left
january 11th
my parents took me out
i wwas so happy
i cried
...
you've been through alot in your life already
penguins
i was a t home
are you diagnosed with anything
penguins
sitting alone
im diagnosed with ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWX....Y AND Z
dude...
i got everyhthing
me too it sux
penguins
ADD/Adhd, NLD, OCD, LD, GAD, PTSD, ODD, Deppression, GDD, Suicidal, TAR, SCC
just to name most...
im not OOD
or suicidal
im just upset and lonley...
after there
i was put in what i thought would be a normal shcool
coming from where i was
it was heaven
but then
a bout a month into it
i realized it was bad too
you had liek no right
s
they could still restrain you
you coodnt be outta site for more then 15 minutes
man...
i was there for another 6 months...
and then the search for schools begain agai
my friends didnt udnertsnad
nobody did
tht school and ironwood fucked me up soo bad
i started cutting...
i tried all that shit there..
i did inhalence kid
dude these places are like jails arent they
penguins
worse...
ive been to juvi
what are they like
penguins
its nott aht bad
jail isnt that bad
the food in prison
are they meant to like scare the shit out of you or something these places
penguins
is better then Ironwood
pretty much...
but make u change
and...
idk
kids needed to be there
how were the rooms
penguins
soem didnt
whcih??
which program
everywhere
penguins
well
iron lad
penguins
we didnt have rooms at SN
ironwood
penguins
ooh
why
penguins
ironwood
at second nature??
WE DIDNT EVEN HAVE A FUCKING TENT
where did u sleep
penguins
we had a tarp and some string!!!
outside?
penguins
yeah!
rain sleet or snow
what the fuck is that
penguins
our "shelter
was it like terrible
penguins
nah
well yeah
but
sounds horrible
penguins
i lived
it was...
at first
you learn alot
ican make fire
like what
penguins
with nothing
how to be a friend
penguins
idk..
pretty much i guess
its hard to explain man
i cood explain it to u in erson
any way
ironwood..
u were watched constantly
u slept in a room with 7 other ppl
guys
bunkbeds
no mattess
u got a shitty lil pad..
that was deflated...
about half an icnh thick
and 4 ft long
u got a gross ass army blanket
and a ratty sleeping bag that didnt zip
the door was left WIDE OPEN
every night
so it was hard as shit to sleep
there were cmeras everywhere
WAS IT COLD
penguins
was it cold...
FUCKINGN FREEEEEEZING!!!!!!!!!!
why
penguins
IT WAS FUCKING COLD AS HELL!!!!!!
they didnt wanna pay fr heat?
penguins
ooh?
u mean inside
nahh inside was finneee
but for the first 4 motnhs and alot of the last 2
u were outside
THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME
dude
we did soo much work
i cut, split, and stacked
at least......
what kind of work
penguins
10 cords of wood
by myself
in that whole time
a cord
is 4x4x8
so thats about
...
penguins
thats like slave labr isnt it
penguins
did ur parents pay alot for it
penguins
or is it insurance
penguins
lol
penguins
400000 pounds
yeah dude
u live where?
penguins
54,000
i did the math
ok
penguins
my dad spent about a million dollars
for all this shit
wow
penguins
wow is right
so...
dud
e
it was horrible
they had guard dogs
blood hound
they had Ex-Military and ex-law enforcement
have u ever been restrained
i was tazed..
yes
penguins
it sucked
ive been restrained 12 times
but nobody put up more of a fight than this one girl
Direct Instant Message session started
shes hot right
damn man that sounds like hellish
penguins
the girls there wereent bad lookin
shes good lookinh ys
penguins
but!
we coodit even look at em yo
like
seriously
u weren allowed to touch ANYBODY
no high fives?
penguins
i guess...
but it was against the rules
anyway
it sounds like a prison to keep u out of the legal system
penguins
lmao
penguins
i watched a kid burn to deaht.....
how
penguins
that scarred me
ive never been the same
he couldnt take it any more
what was that like
penguins
that was the second time
have you ever seen harry potter
you know the thestrals?
you can only see them
if u've seen DEATH
well...
i could see them
i have seen DEATH
its not something that is ok...
it was....
horrid
like...
watching a carcrash in slow motion.... but mute is on.... theres no sound.... and you know the two cars are going to crash... and the children inside will die... exept for one... and he will be put in an orphanage... and theres nothing you can do
was he screamign
penguins
you couldnt hear it
why
penguins
they took us out back
what happened though
penguins
his name was danny...
why was he burning to death
penguins
he had been there
for almost a yr and a half
i wooda killed myself too
so...
he lit himself on fire?
penguins
ill explain
would*
penguins
could*
penguins
sorry im a grammar tutor
penguins
private tutor
penguins
lol
penguins
so..
he was sent there
and he tried to kill himself
i forget how
but he was rushed to the hospital
ohh yeah
i remmber
he slit his wrists ankles and his neck...
he didnt do his neck
or 1 or two other right
they rushed him to the hospita
he lived..
but...
he develpped bacterial managites
he lost most of all his appendeges
he had no legs
from above the knee down
exept he had half a knee caop
it was horrid
to look at
like a chicken wing with the skin torn off
he had
no arms...
he had a permenent joint
as an elbo
and imagine
instead of hands
he had... paws...
imagine no fingers
or thumbs
thats what he had
exept no forearm...
the "palms" were on his elbos
exept no wrist
he was mithink alot of his teeth
and his nose was fucked up
wtf
penguins
was he mean
penguins
yeah...
or nice
penguins
well...
he was nice...
it was danny...
i mean...
there were times..
how old was he
penguins
he was a dickk
17...
he took the most staph to restrain
cuz he had no limbs
lol
penguins
and that fucker was strong as hell
for a cripple
any way...
staff*
penguins
he graduated
and then got sent back
did he smell u think or what
penguins
he smelt soo bad
really
penguins
he had fake legs
and they smelt HORRRRRABLE
did they?
penguins
what did it smell like
penguins
horrid
idk
was it like a body odor
penguins
rotten eggs mixed with hot dihereah
ew
penguins
like i gaggged
i remmber the first night
i couldnt look at him
i was scareed
anyway...
where was i
at grove school
i met some fucked up kids
and i just...
idk
i became fuckd up...
i just got worse and worse through this shit
drugs?
penguins
iduno
yeah..
some
never weed
there atleast
coke
penguins
nope
speed... ritalin... seroquil...
glue
seroquel...wtf?
penguins
glue?!
penguins
yeah...
i regret it
u glued?
penguins
no...
yeah...
kidna
nice
penguins
no
did it ruin u
penguins
not nice
i dont wanan talk about it
tell me about it
penguins
it was bad
i used drugs to a horrible extent as well
penguins
like...
what happened
penguins
i didnt abuse drugs...
i was kinda..
idk
dude!
im not crazy
ok
penguins
im not...
i know
penguins
i started cutting
but what was it like for you sniffing glue
penguins
spacey
i passed out
angrY?
penguins
nahh
i dont remmber
anyway..
you did it alot??
penguins
NOOO
cut?
oh
penguins
no glue
penguins
no ididnt
but cutting, did you do that alot?
penguins
but cutting.... mann
yeah..
what was so attractive about slicing
penguins
my arms are all scared up...
you wont undetstand it
unless uve done it
i did it for multiple reasons
i have done it for kicks
penguins
same...
but never saw the thrill
penguins
i dont feel pain any more..
like
you could cut me...
i wouldt even flinnch
thats no good
penguins
expecialy my arms
do you like to be hurt?
penguins
noooo
im not messed up dude...
im really not
like im just sharing with you my past...
im not saying you're messed up man
penguins
and how bad these programs made my hed..
.i dont liek ur questions dude
a lot of people do different things
penguins
u sound like a crappy therapist
i can read therapists like a fucking book
lol
penguins
i might as well be a psych major
im a forensic psychology major
penguins
i understand the mind so well
mm
intresting
so...
idk
man
thers more
i guess
so i fianlly got outta the grove
grove is?
penguins
and my mom was searchign fro schools
for so long
the theraputic boarding school
oooh shit
noo
dude
i forgot
THATS WHERE i was doing those drugs
and started cutting...
like
it was a baordingschool
but....
morelike...
idk
the place where u coodnt be outta site for more then 15 munutes
anyway...
so
i finally got out
cuz my mom and i fought soooo hard
against my dad
cuz he wanted his moneys worth...
and he thought that i was that messed up
cuz i disrespected him....
bull shit
he deserved it
anyway
one night
i cooodnt take his shit
and i asked my mom to ocme pick me up
he woodnt let me leave
my mom came
my siste rand i went upstairs and hugged
i missed her
itd been only like a week
but...
shes my twinn
i miss her bad right now
hol on
ima txt her
tell her i love her
penguins
i told her
nice
penguins
"i love you sarah, ur the best sister a brother can ask for, miss you like crazy and cant wait to see u"
anyway.
sso my siter an i
were just chillin upstairs
and suddenly i hear this scream
a piercing scream
almost non human
it still haunts me
it makes me want to puke
like i can taste bile just thinkin about it
my sister and i
look at easchother
wide eyed
and i hear it again
we both realize its mom
and fucking BOLT DOWN THE STAIRS
I RUN DOWN TO FIND MY DAD SLAMMING THE DOOR ON MY MOM!! I SCREAM WHAT THE FCUK!!!!!! I PUSH MY DAD, HE FLYS OVER THE TABLE AND I PUSH HIM AGAINST THE WALL AND SHOUTED AT HIM DONT FUCKING TOUCH HER
his wife
started bitching at me
i turn around
look at her
and say
very quietly
shut.
the fuck up
you gold digging whore
WOW
penguins
i went upstairs
is he jewish
penguins
too
penguins
grabbed my shit and left
yeah.
we got in the car
drove..
my sister was stunned
my dad tried to call the cops
he called all of us
we didntnser
my sister didnt speek for 2 days
..
alll she could say
was to my mom
"im ashamed"
wow
penguins
she was never the same
we were still looking for a school for me... we had found a school that seemd great. i went the next day and put on my best face... i didnt really anser questioins about my prior places... i just wanted to start fresh.... i went to a boarding school over the summer called EHS.... if i went to the summer program i had a better chance of being accepted to it for the year... well that summer was great... i made friends... my best friend was this girl stephhanie.. i had a girlfriend melanie... i was happy... i really was... the happiest id been in awhile... melanie had issues.... she was a drama queen... she caused me so much angst... i started cutting again... and really working out.... it gave me control... i used my locker key... i wore short sleaved shirts... i dint care waht anybody thought... one day they pulld me into the office... and the nurse checked out my cuts.... my parents were called...and they "JD are u really this FUCKE DU!P AMYBE U BELONG IN IRONWOOD!" i was shocked... i passed out....
after EHS i went home and tried to reconnect with my friends... i did... i thought i di... there was still a rift between us tho... not so large... i was almost content....
i was accepted to dublin.... a school in NH that seemed good....
it was far away
at dublin i was picked on relentlessly
i had one friend "allen" me and allen used to joke all the time... as one of our fucking around shits i made a fuck tube and afake dildo named the tube roxanne and the dildo romeo..... one day i was on my computer... and i heard kids yelling and laughing otuside.. i looked outside and too my horor i found kids tossing around roxanne on the quad.... i was shocked... my face burned with the intensity of fire.... i couldnt breath.... (MIND YOU THIS WAS THE 3RD WEEK!!!!!)
i was harrased constantly... i found out... this kid ausitin took it... and then another kid kevin took it out onto the quad... he came up... i was ready to kick the shit out of him... i couldnt... he was so sorry... he begged me to hit him... i didnt i just tlked to him... i had cut that day... i lifted my sleave and showd him the blood and he felt even worse.... i said "ive been here 3 weeks... because of you my life here will never be the same"
i had so much shit stolen there.... money... my ipod... my computer broken... my glass bowl given to me by my cousin hwo is shipping out to iraq in 3 weeks... my bong.... that i made in honor of my friend.... i had my bed fucked up while i was gone... my mac charger cut
i took (take) shit everyday in class... expciclly from my roomate who is a total asshole...i had no friends
now i am on break... home is bad... i cannot smoke (which was really my only source of happniness) i am spiralling into a MANIC depression.. i feel as though i have been stabbed in the chest with a hot knife of betraal.. i was stood up tnight by "my best friends" and i have nobody... my sister is angry at me... because i did nt go over to see her because "my friends" were coming over and we were gunna call some girls
i have recently started smoking (cigs.. more then i used to) and drinking...
i need help... idk... i jiust want to be happy..... i consider whoever has taken to the time to read this a friend....
sincerly,
JD (city)