I caved.

[nachtspiegel]

I lasted three weeks.
I was laying in my bed about half an hour ago, just thinking about things, and someone crossed my mind in a way that I wasn't ready to handle. I drug myself out of bed and the next thing I know, I'm bleeding all over the place and I'm struggling to stop the bleeding and gain my composure because I'm being called for from the other room. Thankfully, I had locked my door out of habit before I went in.
I knew that it was just a matter of time before I caved, and I know that it is typically more devastating to a self-harmer to cave after months, but these are the hardest three weeks I have had in months. Every day, the urge gets stronger, and, in turn, more graphic. The longer I went, the more I needed to bleed. I spent the entire night last night dreaming of walking out into the snow wearing only my boxer shorts bleeding from head to toe. I woke up unsually content because of this and that was my sign that I was close to caving, and I have.

11 times, deep.
Carved someone's initials into my left leg.
I fail.

[byee]

You're in therapy, right? If you're not, make sure you get yourself into it. Tell someone, and get some help.

If you are, then make an appointment (even if it's a phone appt.) and talk with your doc about this latest episode. Life's a roller coaster, you'll have good days and bad days, and it sounds like a really bad one now. However, you are not just defined by the bad days, when you slip. Get the help and support you need to control these urges and express yourself differently.

[nachtspiegel]

She doesn't know about the cutting yet. I planned to tell her on my next session, on the 30th. If she knows, my mother will end up knowing and so will my sister. The last time that my sister knew I was doing it was before November 26th, and at that point, she had tried to get my mom to sign me over until I turned 18 because I am a "freak." Oddly enough, my therapist did tell me to call her if I needed her before two weeks time, but she was thinking about some other things. The cutting issue, especially confessed over the phone, would probably leave her speechless.

[Callwaiting]

It might shock her at first, but as she's a trained professional she'll know that your health is very important, and cutting is a real risk to your health. I suggest you call her at the next oppertunity - it'll give you someone to confess to about the cutting, and an outlet for the pain causing it. Just having a short, honest talk can take a lot of weight of your chest.
You might also want to stress the confidentiality of your conversation if you believe it's a problem. When talking to a therapist the last thing you want to worry about is them turning around and telling someone when they've promised not to.

[Cindex]

Your therapist shouldn't be telling your mother, or anyone else, anything that you tell her. That's just not how it's supposed to work. There's no point in therapy if they just go around spilling everything anyways.

And with the cutting, just find something else. I know you've probably heard it. Every time you have the urge, just walk out your door and sprint the hardest you can around the whole block. If you really work, you'll have no urge to cut.

If that doesn't work, just try holding an ice cube for a while. This one didn't work for me but it worked for a real close friend of mine. It simulates pain in a way but doesn't actually hurt you.

Weightlifting can also help, as being sore causes pain without actual harm.

[nachtspiegel]

My mother would find out because, locally, most therapists, especially since I am working with a government-run center, usually will put you in a hospital as soon as you tell them that you cut, even if you're not a danger to yourself.
I can't escape myself. I've done it just about everywhere I go. Ice cubes used to work. Writing helps when I'm not on a writer's block