BeautifulSilence
December 17th, 2008, 07:34 PM
I don't know how much I've told anyone... I tend to be really weird when it comes to admitting where I went wrong, but God! It all started with me being fricking stupid....
I've pretty much self harmed all my life, but I never realised it... I'd run the bath with just hot water, a full tub... And, even though my body was telling me that it as too hot, I ignored that. I've been doing that all my life. I liked the feeling of turning numb and red from being burned. The tingling was a thrill...
The very first time I (purposely) self harmed was for attention. I was a lil' upset because things weren't going my way. I got a pair of scissors and did the lightest scratch EVER. I went around school, bringing it up in every conversation... Funnily enough, that scarred. I don't know why, but I've got that reminder of me being a brat.
I did that ONCE and then nothing for at least a whole year. Then, one day, I found out that my best friend was self harming... Which upset me, I couldn't understand why he did it. I wanted to know. So, sure enough, I got my scissors and cut. It wasn't deep, but it scabbed the next day. That's when I felt it, that's when it fell apart.
After that, it was a cut or two every week or so... Nothing at all serious, but I knew it never helped anything. That's when I quit. A whole month or two or whatever. I managed not to put any blade or sharp thing to my skin. I was pleased with that. Only thing was, I found the other harmful "illness".
So, when it cme to my ED being found out, I turned back to cutting, not too often, but enough. Then everything is one big blur. I don't know hat happened...
My new way of self harm was the least noticable... I let my hands go purple, by cutting off the blood circulation. It was so bad that my veins would raise and I'd get the rash-like spots from where I'd burst some of the blood thingies...
Now, it's getting to those final stages before realising it's completely beyond control. I ould avoid talking about it, but I'dmake sure that they were seen... Soon, they got more and more regular and deeper and deeper... At this very moment, I can hardly type, because my wrist is resting against the laptop... and my cuts wont stop hurting.
All of today, I've had people point it out and I've heard them say how weird it is... "Why would someone do that?" or "Do you get some kind of thrill from it?"
My answers are always the same... I don't know. I really don't get a thrill from it. It FUCKING HURTS! I've gotten to that point where the next cut is just to take the pain away from the last cut. Just moving my arm is complete agony! The skin stretches out, very slightly and I want to scream because the skin is seperating again. It's so bad, that I wish my arm could be amputated... Just to stop the pain.
I know this needs to stop. If I knew that my attention seeking would lead to this, I would have just gotten on without getting things my way...because... I never get things going my way anymore, and as you probably know, my life is completely shit at the moment.... So, not only am I worse of in life anyway, but I have to live with this stupid addiction which actually gives me less control than what I gain from being able to make myself bleed.
I WANT this to stop. I was going to wait until the New Year to give up, but why wait for a new beginning to change your flaws? The time of the year makes no difference to the outcome.... I'm going to try to give up now. I wont throw out everything that's harmful to me, like I did last time... And I'm not gonna quit cold turkey... I will wait for these cuts to heal and eventually fade... If I ever get the need to cut, I will. I just wont cut more than necessary (I know none is necessary, but not in my head). I wont cut in a place that's noticable to everyone else, because they make me feel ashamed, hich makes me want to cut...
I AM giving up. Just slowly. I don't need this anymore. Killing myself slowly is too long and too painful. I WILL one day say that I don't need to cut. I just have to be patient and wait for that day...
Sorry, that was a little rantish... but.. whatever.
I've pretty much self harmed all my life, but I never realised it... I'd run the bath with just hot water, a full tub... And, even though my body was telling me that it as too hot, I ignored that. I've been doing that all my life. I liked the feeling of turning numb and red from being burned. The tingling was a thrill...
The very first time I (purposely) self harmed was for attention. I was a lil' upset because things weren't going my way. I got a pair of scissors and did the lightest scratch EVER. I went around school, bringing it up in every conversation... Funnily enough, that scarred. I don't know why, but I've got that reminder of me being a brat.
I did that ONCE and then nothing for at least a whole year. Then, one day, I found out that my best friend was self harming... Which upset me, I couldn't understand why he did it. I wanted to know. So, sure enough, I got my scissors and cut. It wasn't deep, but it scabbed the next day. That's when I felt it, that's when it fell apart.
After that, it was a cut or two every week or so... Nothing at all serious, but I knew it never helped anything. That's when I quit. A whole month or two or whatever. I managed not to put any blade or sharp thing to my skin. I was pleased with that. Only thing was, I found the other harmful "illness".
So, when it cme to my ED being found out, I turned back to cutting, not too often, but enough. Then everything is one big blur. I don't know hat happened...
My new way of self harm was the least noticable... I let my hands go purple, by cutting off the blood circulation. It was so bad that my veins would raise and I'd get the rash-like spots from where I'd burst some of the blood thingies...
Now, it's getting to those final stages before realising it's completely beyond control. I ould avoid talking about it, but I'dmake sure that they were seen... Soon, they got more and more regular and deeper and deeper... At this very moment, I can hardly type, because my wrist is resting against the laptop... and my cuts wont stop hurting.
All of today, I've had people point it out and I've heard them say how weird it is... "Why would someone do that?" or "Do you get some kind of thrill from it?"
My answers are always the same... I don't know. I really don't get a thrill from it. It FUCKING HURTS! I've gotten to that point where the next cut is just to take the pain away from the last cut. Just moving my arm is complete agony! The skin stretches out, very slightly and I want to scream because the skin is seperating again. It's so bad, that I wish my arm could be amputated... Just to stop the pain.
I know this needs to stop. If I knew that my attention seeking would lead to this, I would have just gotten on without getting things my way...because... I never get things going my way anymore, and as you probably know, my life is completely shit at the moment.... So, not only am I worse of in life anyway, but I have to live with this stupid addiction which actually gives me less control than what I gain from being able to make myself bleed.
I WANT this to stop. I was going to wait until the New Year to give up, but why wait for a new beginning to change your flaws? The time of the year makes no difference to the outcome.... I'm going to try to give up now. I wont throw out everything that's harmful to me, like I did last time... And I'm not gonna quit cold turkey... I will wait for these cuts to heal and eventually fade... If I ever get the need to cut, I will. I just wont cut more than necessary (I know none is necessary, but not in my head). I wont cut in a place that's noticable to everyone else, because they make me feel ashamed, hich makes me want to cut...
I AM giving up. Just slowly. I don't need this anymore. Killing myself slowly is too long and too painful. I WILL one day say that I don't need to cut. I just have to be patient and wait for that day...
Sorry, that was a little rantish... but.. whatever.