bryxt
December 16th, 2008, 06:06 PM
Nobody died.
Nobody even went away.
But it still feels like I lost someone.
A boy, let's call him Jim.
So, Jim and I, in March of 2008 met in an online community, got to talking. We became good friends. I had a boyfriend at the time, let's just call him Joe. So, Jim basically just swooned me out of my mind, and I ended up dumping Joe for him. The first month was amazing. It always is. We started having fights though. But we'd always make up, and every time we did, we were stronger for it. And damn, were we ever strong. I swear I had never felt anything even close to as strong as the love I felt, and still feel, for Jim. I live in Canada, and he lives in Australia, and even across the Pacific Ocean, the love we had was pure and complete, and inexplicable. Long-distance never works, I know. But anyway. Before I met him, I was just normal. Just content with life and everything in it. He kind of changed me. Not for the better, not for the worst, he just made me completely different. I didn't mind that, though, because I was closer to being the same as him, and who wouldn't want to be like someone they admired so much? We got closer and closer, to the point where our minds were on exactly the same page, where no matter how little sense something made to us, the other person got exactly what we were talking about. And that kind of a connection is once in a lifetime. Even if it fucked us over in the end. We both had trust issues, him, a bit more than myself. And, so, I had this friend. Let's call him Lyle. Lyle and I weren't that close, but he was sweet and cute, and he asked me out, and I couldn't let him down because I'd kind of been leading him on, so I said yes. And yeah, without breaking up with Jim. So, I cheated on Jim, basically. Even though, to me, at the time, it had seemed a lot more like sparing someone's feelings. It was the most stupid move I'd ever made. After that, Jim never trusted me again. We were back together but nothing was the same. And so, by losing his trust, then and forever, I lost a piece of him. We went on like this for about two months, fighting nearly every second night, we were as "on-and-off" as it gets. Finally, he decided to tell me something. He was trying to convince me that I'd be alright without him if he left. Something that could just never happen. I could never be okay without him. Not ever. And so that scared me. I thought he was leaving me, so I left him first. Stupid, stupid, stupid. The next day, he explained what he had been trying to explain, and that was just that he was sick. He was talking about if he died. So that was a misunderstanding. By the time I figured that much out, he'd already moved on. Yeah, in a night. This girl, uh, Delilah. He said he didn't love her. He promised me we'd be together again. And that he just didn't want to hurt her yet. But they're still together and it's been months. So, we took on the title of best friends. But that was only until this Delilah decided he wasn't allowed to talk to me. He still did, of course. But not publicly. Everywhere on the Internet where he used to refer to me as his best friend, his soul mate, now had this other girl's name. One Delilah likes. I've been replaced twice, and now we can never even find anything to talk about. I know it means it's time to let go, but I just don't know how. We were too close, too perfect. And no matter how hard I try, nothing will ever compare to what I had with him. Even from a million miles away. And now, he says he's just with her because I won't leave, I would never leave, and if he breaks up with her, he loses her as a friend. But he assures me I'm all that will ever be for him. There is some otherworldly, ungodly connection between us that isn't allowing either of us to let go. What do you think? Do you think we'll end up back together? Or do you think we'll just drift and drift until we really are nothing?
Because right now I feel like all the little tiny pieces of him I had left, all the promises and hopes, they're just floating away with the lack of conversation.
Help. :C
Nobody even went away.
But it still feels like I lost someone.
A boy, let's call him Jim.
So, Jim and I, in March of 2008 met in an online community, got to talking. We became good friends. I had a boyfriend at the time, let's just call him Joe. So, Jim basically just swooned me out of my mind, and I ended up dumping Joe for him. The first month was amazing. It always is. We started having fights though. But we'd always make up, and every time we did, we were stronger for it. And damn, were we ever strong. I swear I had never felt anything even close to as strong as the love I felt, and still feel, for Jim. I live in Canada, and he lives in Australia, and even across the Pacific Ocean, the love we had was pure and complete, and inexplicable. Long-distance never works, I know. But anyway. Before I met him, I was just normal. Just content with life and everything in it. He kind of changed me. Not for the better, not for the worst, he just made me completely different. I didn't mind that, though, because I was closer to being the same as him, and who wouldn't want to be like someone they admired so much? We got closer and closer, to the point where our minds were on exactly the same page, where no matter how little sense something made to us, the other person got exactly what we were talking about. And that kind of a connection is once in a lifetime. Even if it fucked us over in the end. We both had trust issues, him, a bit more than myself. And, so, I had this friend. Let's call him Lyle. Lyle and I weren't that close, but he was sweet and cute, and he asked me out, and I couldn't let him down because I'd kind of been leading him on, so I said yes. And yeah, without breaking up with Jim. So, I cheated on Jim, basically. Even though, to me, at the time, it had seemed a lot more like sparing someone's feelings. It was the most stupid move I'd ever made. After that, Jim never trusted me again. We were back together but nothing was the same. And so, by losing his trust, then and forever, I lost a piece of him. We went on like this for about two months, fighting nearly every second night, we were as "on-and-off" as it gets. Finally, he decided to tell me something. He was trying to convince me that I'd be alright without him if he left. Something that could just never happen. I could never be okay without him. Not ever. And so that scared me. I thought he was leaving me, so I left him first. Stupid, stupid, stupid. The next day, he explained what he had been trying to explain, and that was just that he was sick. He was talking about if he died. So that was a misunderstanding. By the time I figured that much out, he'd already moved on. Yeah, in a night. This girl, uh, Delilah. He said he didn't love her. He promised me we'd be together again. And that he just didn't want to hurt her yet. But they're still together and it's been months. So, we took on the title of best friends. But that was only until this Delilah decided he wasn't allowed to talk to me. He still did, of course. But not publicly. Everywhere on the Internet where he used to refer to me as his best friend, his soul mate, now had this other girl's name. One Delilah likes. I've been replaced twice, and now we can never even find anything to talk about. I know it means it's time to let go, but I just don't know how. We were too close, too perfect. And no matter how hard I try, nothing will ever compare to what I had with him. Even from a million miles away. And now, he says he's just with her because I won't leave, I would never leave, and if he breaks up with her, he loses her as a friend. But he assures me I'm all that will ever be for him. There is some otherworldly, ungodly connection between us that isn't allowing either of us to let go. What do you think? Do you think we'll end up back together? Or do you think we'll just drift and drift until we really are nothing?
Because right now I feel like all the little tiny pieces of him I had left, all the promises and hopes, they're just floating away with the lack of conversation.
Help. :C