Sudden breakdown.

[nachtspiegel]

Hasn't happened full on yet, don't have much time, staying basic.

I caught a ride with my sister back up here from my other sister's house. We went to our mom's (in a duplex, my mom has the first floor apartment and my sister, her boyfriend, my niece, my sister's friend, her boyfriend's friend and I live in the second floor apartment) to return her keys and check on her. My sister started talking about a friend of hers and something that recently happened that I am not posting. However, the conversation turned to sexual abuse. My sister was talking about how she does not believe her friend because she didn't want to press charges, she wouldn't tell her parents who it was, and she wasn't scared of the perpetrator. This stung deep within me. I was sexually abused by someone that I should have been able to trust. I want to post who it is here but I am paranoid of CACU (Crimes Against Children Unit.) Before you lecture me, please know that I know that I need to speak out, but my repressed memories and the ever constant self-struggle (because I am always trying to convince myself that it didn't happen and that the nightmares, flashbacks, and leftover feelings are coming from nowhere) lead me to feel too strongly that I just need to keep quiet. Some days, I can't stand being touched or to shower with the lights on because of this. I have nightmares. My mother was talking to her. She knows about the abuse but does not seem all too concerned about getting a name out of me. She looked straight at me, and then looked at my sister and said "different people have different reasons for not telling or reacting the way they do." I felt like I was going to fall to the floor and I dipped out of the room instantly, ran upstairs, and then walked around aimlessly. I was suddenly out of it. I couldn't think straight, and my first instinct was to slice my wrists open. I found a staple gun and was going to drive staples into my arm until my sister's boyfriend came in. I dropped the staple gun and walked out of the room.
Believe it or not, this is basic, as basic as I can get. I am probably, literally, typing over a hundred words per minute. I have never typed this fast in my life and I think I am starting to have a panic attack. I have never reacted too nicely to this but I have never gone to this extent.

[Burnthecity]

hey man, im reakky sorry to hear about your situation, you just gotta find someone your trult trust sit them down and talk about it. thats the only advice i can give ya.

[byee]

Yes, that's a horrible story. I am glad it is in the past tense, though, that it is over.

I think you need to find another adult to tell, your mom might be unwilling to acknowledge what's happened and take the necessary steps to protect you and get you the help you need. Other caring adults, however, will know what to do. Pick one, maybe a guidance counsellor at school, and let them know what happened and that you need their help in getting to a therapist and if necessary, to protect you from this being repeated.

[nachtspiegel]

As far as it happening again is concerned, it never will. I'll be seventeen this coming summer and I don't need protection from said person. The problem that I am having is dealing with the aftermath. I am feeling a little bit better today. I am in therapy and my therapist knows. She can't do anything more without a name but she is actually doing the right thing by not pushing for it. If she had started, I would've cancelled my case and given up on therapy.
I was talking to my sister's ex-boyfriend about things (just about the idea of trauma and it's aftermath) and we both agree that the aftermath is what drives people into the ground. I have therapy every two weeks. My last session was on the second and my next in on Tuesday. It has been almost three weeks since I have self-harmed in any form, and while that is an accomplishment, the problem is that when I do cave (and I always do) it ends up being so bad. The last time I "caved" I ended up not being able to walk right or move my arms right for almost a week.

[byee]

Good, i'm glad you're in therapy. Maybe you can go more frequently.

It takes time to come to terms with whatever happened, memories fade slowly over time, but if you keep talking about them in therapy they become, IDK, less vivid and have less control over your well being.

See about going more frequently.

[nachtspiegel]

She has already said that once we get into "trauma work" (a.k.a, talking about past traumas,) I will be visiting once a week. I have not tried to dig into that yet and will not do so for a while because I do not have the time to go every week. There is a lot going on. She has told me that the aim of the trauma work will be to put the past traumas in a jar and onto a shelf. That is her metaphor for control: the aim is for me to be in control of how I deal with my trauma and how I let it effect my life.

[byee]

Sounds like a good plan, good luck!

[nachtspiegel]

I am still as enthusiastic about it as I was when I signed my treatment plan two weeks ago. Considering some things that just came about today it is good that I have an appointment in the morning. It'll give me a chance to sort through some things.

I have gotten past the 'sudden breakdown' now, but I am wondering when my stability will crash around me again and for how long it'll continue.

[byee]

Stay with the therapy, keep working with your doc.

Stability isn't necessarily stable, it comes and goes depending on what's going on and your reaction to it. Maybe it would help to prepare yourself, to expect to have bad days with those good days, but with continued therapy the good days'll outnumber the bad ones, and with less intensity, too.

Chocolate helps, too.......

[nachtspiegel]

I see the psych doctor on January 8th. My December 5th appointment was canceled because someone in the doctor's family passed away. I'm having an alright day today. I am at my sister's house visiting. Yesterday, we got into the "trauma" (in yesterday's case, the physical abuse) and I am now on a plan to go every Tuesday. I don't go until the 30th this time, though, because the center is closed all next week.

I kept trying to justify everything, and she put me on the spot and told me that she would stop trying to help me understand that I do deserve better than I allow myself if I could convince her why it is okay for an adult to savagely beat a child. I couldn't think of anything. She made me step outside of my shoes, and think about what I would do if I saw a young child that I knew was being savagely beaten by someone they should be able to depend on and trust. In turn, she also asked me to think of one instance where the child would honestly deserve to be beaten and, of course, I couldn't give a good reply. She made her point.
She is very good at making things hit home.
And yes, chocolate is awesome. I just ate a Mr. Goodbar. :)

[byee]

Good therapy=pure oxygen! Good, i'm glad it's effective.

The holidays are tough for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is that the office is closed so much! Ah, loneliness makes the heart grow fonder. At least you have some chocolate!