Poison In My Head

[Zephyr]

My head is reeling,
My thoughts are like poison.
The body aches for the minds wants.
What happened to that happy child?
Where did that independent girl go?
Lost in space and time.
I can't stop shaking.
I can't think straight.
My head is racing.
I want to talk to somebody about this,
But I feel like a total bother.
I start crying every time I think of saying anything.

All I want to do is get it out of my system,
But I feel like by doing so, I'm an attention whore.
I feel like I'm completely selfish.
Maybe I am.

I don't need sympathy.
Sympathy is the last thing I need.
Empathy, a reality check and a swift kick in the arse...
That's probably it.

I just don't know anymore.
I hate me.

[byee]

Steph, I leave you for a while, and this? What is going on?

[Zephyr]

A lot has gone on for years.
It's finally all caught up with me though,
Being bottled up and everything,
And went KABLAM!

And now I've been a complete shipwreck the last 2.5 months.
The ship crashed into some rocks,
And now I'm drowning in the dark ocean that is years of pent up depression, anger, neglect, guilt and loneliness.

That's what's going on.

[byee]

KABLAM?! IAMSAM! ...lol.....

I'm not much of a poet, Steph, if you care to be a bit more specific I'd be happy to help. Sorry such a good person as yourself is on the rocks. Hope it's temporary.

[Zephyr]

Poetry?
That's just my thoughts and feelings, lol.

In summary:

I've been holding a lot of things inside for the last 6ish years. Kept quiet trying to keep everybody happy. Refused to get help for everything. Last time this happened, I just pretended that things were okay so I wouldn't have to get professional help. I tend to be a do-it-yourselfer. I try to fix everything on my own so nobody has to waste their time on me. And it's caused me to have a complete breakdown... my world crashing down and shattering around me. If I tried to tell everything, I'd be sitting here for a while trying to think and organize it in a manner that makes sense.

In short... the past is coming back to bite me in the arse big time since I never got proper help back then.

[byee]

Sounds like it's time to take the plunge and get that help, sweetie! You're worth it, you deserve it, your entitled to get some good care for yourself, to get the attention you need! Go out and find yourself a good therapist, it sound slike you're ready to! Just do it, Steph.

[Zephyr]

Oh, I've got an appointment tomorrow.
My second appointment with this guy.
Psychologist.

All he's talked about is tweaking my meds...
Not talking through stuff.

*is irritated*

[byee]

Good for you for going! It's a big step, I know, you've shared your resistance to going before.

The process of therapy takes a while to get started, and it's frustrating when you finally decide to go and all you deal with are meds. But it's a start, and I think psychologists usually begin with the mosyt obvious, like meds, and then getting the entore history of your life. You know, boring, concrete facts that you didn't want to talk about. Give it time, just get comfortable going and being with him and all. It makes the *other* work easier when the time comes.

Might I recommend that you share with him your desire to talk about other *stuff* at some point in the session? Yeah, it's important for him to get all those other facts, but it's also important for you not to feel like you've been lost in the process. I'm sure he'll make sure there's time for you to take over and *talk*. Just think about where you want to start.

Good onya for doing this, Steph. It's a big step in the right direction.

Keep me posted.

Samuel

[Zephyr]

This session was mostly oriented towards him getting more background information.
The first half my mom kind of butted in and had her input about things,
Asked a lot of questions about medications and getting a more thorough mental diagnosis,
Then left the room.

The second half was more of delving into the problems and sources so that he'd have a better understanding.

He finds it very interesting that intellectually, I know that these thoughts, actions and feelings arn't okay,
But I feel otherwise.

I'm actually glad that he explained, in a scientific manner, to my mom about why self-harming feels good to some people (being that adrenaline and endorfins trigger relief, which I already knew).

Blah.

I dunno.
I was on the verge of tears the whole time,
Contorting my legs into different positions while sitting,
Playing with my hair tie,
And laughing nervously at some points to help keep them down.

It's painful bringing up some of the stuff I opened up about.

[byee]

Yeah, it is painful bringing up that stuff, but that's why you're there.

Now that you're past the 'history' part, you can get into the stuff that you want to. he now has a frame of reference to put allt he info you're about to give him. Take it slow, make sure you tell him what you need, esp. if he's not giving it to you or otherwise responding to your *stuff* in a way that feels right. he's there for you, although right now he might not know exactly how to do that for you. Tell him.

When's your next appt.?

[Zephyr]

Monday...
But there's supposed to be a huge snowstorm,
So I dunno if the roads will be drivable then.

[byee]

OK, if it snows you reschedule. Think about your agenda for that session. What you want to talk about.

[Zephyr]

Samuel, you're a darling.
Thanks for responding to my mindless babble,
Much appreciated = ]

[byee]

*smiles* thanks, Steph. You're one, too, and you have a waaaay sexy voice.

[Zephyr]

Do I hear a suck up?
lawl

The last couple days it's just been gloomy as hell.
Another appointment on Monday though...
Will post an update.

[Zephyr]

Had to miss my appointment today,
I really didn't feel like shoveling snow off of a near 200 foot hill,
Just to drive back and have the hill be icy and impossible to drive up.
Spent the day keeping myself busy instead.