Fuck fuck

[eikookmi]

FUCKKK.. ok so i was laying in my room and dad comes in. Im not wearing any long sleeves or a jacket cause i havnt left my room yet. He grabs my cell all amazed and i reach to grab it back then he noticed my arm. I forgot about my arm...i was like oh shit..

then..he starts crying hysterically...i go under my blanket and start crying..he starts begging not to..starts talking about his life problems...saying how im great and i shudnt be doing this...saying if i ever did suicide he'd literally kill himself because he wudnt be able to handle any more heartbroken stuff and etc...then starts evaluating me...and trying to get me to talk to him...but i cant talk to him...then was all like talk to me or im telling your mom....then he starts crying...and hes constantly going bk and forth in my room

i just got out of the shower while he was picking up my brother..im freaking out...hes on the phone at least...but he's gonna come back :/

i dont have anything to tell him... and i dunno whats going to happen..
hopefully they'll just put it aside...

i also told him where a razor was, but its not like i use that one
and my arm isnt even that bad >_> i dont even do deep cuts

but fuckkkkkkk
i feel the need to say fuck
so leave me alone D;..
*freaks out*

[Atonement]

Hun, this is a great oppurtunity to talk to your dad about it and get help. I KNOW its hard, and it will never be easy, but it is possible and necessary. Hope all goes well, love.

[just-me]

right ok, try not to panic i know its hard. are u thinkin of suicide or isit just s/h?
if u really dont wana talk then tell him it was just a low point that u wont return to.
try and remain calm then maybe he will too.
but if u can tell him the truth. u can get the help u need and deserve.
good luck.

[Atonement]

This really is emergent and you need to try to stay safe. If you start to have suicide thoughts I highly urge for you to call 1-800-784-2433 or 1-800-273-8255.

[eikookmi]

Well i just promised i wudnt do it again..and he's like he wont tell mom..but i dunno if he means that..
But really its not like i cut everyday because i do stop myself. Hes constantly asking why..i just tell him i dont know.
Honestly i dont even know why i did it..it just happened. He thinks its depression and i guess maybe, but i dont even know why im depressed. I say i dont know, because i really dont know. I randomly get angry and depressed at time or my mood goes weird but i dont know why. How can i give him answers? If i went to some sort of therapist for example. Why the hell would i tell them anything anyways. THey'd end up telling my parents what i'd say, i dont trust them.

Im not going to commit suicide
Sorry for double post

[eikookmi]

Im going to post again now. My mom suddenly just emails me right now saying lets go on a date and go shopping. That seems very very suspicious or im being paranoid...big coincidence that she asks on the day my dad sees this?..

[just-me]

hmm it really could be a coincidance.
the best thing to do is prepare for the worst case senario that she wants to talk things throuh, but dont worry because if it was coincident you dont want to have worried for nothing.
hope i help xx

[eikookmi]

ugh i dunnno if it is or not

[just-me]

either way, be prepared but dont worry. seriously, if it turns out to be nothing you would have put yourself through uneccesary torment, and if she does bring it p, really, in the grand scheme of things, worrying doesnt make a difference anyway. this is what i have tried to teach myself. xx

[eikookmi]

yeah so she emails saying to watch my brother and shes going out with my dad. Wtf i said i was going. And now shes going with my dad, they're going to talk most likely...

[just-me]

hmm ok. well still. just try not to worry about it. take it all in your stride and dont think about it, or you will think of hundreds of different possibiltiesand usually not even one of them will be right.
you will be fine. xx

[eikookmi]

so we ended up going together and *sigh* shes going to use it against me a lot now.
My parents both care a lot..and they want answers. But i have no answers.
And with getting help, they left that up to me. But i think the only reason i'd ever decide yes to that would be to find out if i have some mental thing

[Hyper]

Well if you cut for no reason you most certainly have a ''mental thing''

And all emotions are a mental thing. I think you should go. Even if the theraphist tells your parents what you say, atleast they care about you.

[Lola4563]

Make up a "patient-therapist" confidentiality contract if it's possible.

[Antares]

At least you have a father who cares. Be thankful for that.
I think that you need to take in account him too. He seems like he wants to help you get through your problems. So...I think you should have a conversation.

[eikookmi]

Yeah he really does care. They havn't asked anything today. I really just want to forget about it. But mmm iono.
I really dont know what to tell them. I dont feel like i have any answers

[thesphinx]

With issues such as cutting unfortunately you can't just make it "go away" by forgetting about it.
Sit down with your parents and talk to them about what is going on, you may not even know at this point why you are doing these things but there is a reason for everything we do.
I HIGHLY suggest you see a therapist and get this worked out before it gets worse.
Good luck!

[eikookmi]

I dont think i'd talk to a therapist. I don't really cut much. When i do its between good amounts of time. I know its bad. I always regret it and i know better. I mean the only times it gets triggered and i do it is when my dad pisses me off or makes me sad sometimes or when im depressed. But its not my dads fault, like i really dont blame him or anything. So i dont know why i do it at times. BUt really i havnt done it that much..and none is deep. But i know its bad and its stupid. What am i suppose to tell them? When i go in a depressed state i never even know why. If i tell them i dont know why its not like they'll believe me. Well plus im usually alawys slightly depressed and feel lifeless. I mean for being depressed like i said, i dont know why. And as for feeling lifeless, mostly because i feel like im wasting space. But now people are going to say thats the problem or something. Or who knows what.

[Sapphire]

They may not be deep. They may not be that frequent. They may not be that bad. But, it can easily end up that way.

Get a counsellor. DOn't turn down the offer of help because it doesn't seem all that bad.
It is like that saying "a stitch in time, saves nine". If you start putting something right when you first notice a small problem, then it won't have the chance to grow. If the problem is allowed to grow bigger, the harder it is to solve.

[eikookmi]

Yeah i know. I've thought about all that. I really want to just push it away and like right now i feel like pretending to be alright. But at night when everyone goes to sleep and im up till like morning its different. I guess since i dont have to pretned anymore. I start getting eh

[Sapphire]

It won't just go away though. It will get worse if you don't deal with it when you have control over it.

When I started self-harming, it was just little scratches with a piece of wire or a compass. They hardly bled and had really small, thin scabs. It was under control and I could go months without it.

Then, things got tougher for me and I turned to it more and more. I started SI'ing once a month, twice a month, once a week, twice a week, every other day. Things were getting worse for me as a teacher had found out and told my parents. My friends found out and eventually, the whole year group knew. My depression had worsened with the situation and suddenly, I was SI'ing at least 4/5 times every day.

My life would have been so much easier if someone had found out earlier and tried to get me to talk about things with a counsellor. Instead, I was very dependent on it when people found out about it and tried to get me help.

[eikookmi]

Its just like yeah i know. Talking about it doesnt help me though. The only thing that'd be good going is if they gave drugs that helped.

[Sapphire]

Talking can help. It does take a bit of getting used to, but it does help if you let it.
How do you think I stopped doing it so regularly?

[eikookmi]

Maybe im just scared to try.
I dont think i'd talk to them and it'd be a waste of time going to one.
And i really dont talking would help me.
Its not like no one knows i cut. I've told people, people do know.

[Sapphire]

People knowing that you do this and having a counsellor to talk with are two very different things.

[eikookmi]

True. But i have talked to people about it. Including a friend whose been through worse things and even been put into a institute a few times.
But then again ofcourse, a counselor is meant to help and i guess would know what to say. But how are they suppose to stop me from being depressed? And i dont even know why i am? So im guessing they would ask questions that would somehow unveil why then somehow they would make it go away and then i possible take some drugs? Okkkk....

[Raynes]

If you cut at all it's a problem. If you don't know why you cut, but you feel an emotional urge to cut it's a problem, if you cut just to cut because you're bored, it's a problem. Any situation I could put out would be a problem. I'll go ahead and tell you your father is scared to death right now, and your putting him through hell by not asking for help, and not telling him why, he doesn't believe you when you say you don't know the reason. Your father loves you, and you should be glad you have someone who cares. Please get help, not just for you, for your family. Cutting is absolutely useless, it only causes scars that you'll regret one day. Cutting does nothing. You don't have to know what to say, and they don't expect you to know.

-Rayne

[eikookmi]

Yeah im going to sotp cutting, im able to it isnt that hard for me. But i'd feel the same way. And if you knew me in person you cant really tell when im in a depressed mood unless you're talking to me online or something. UNless i choose to make it obvious in person.

But like i said....

True. But i have talked to people about it. Including a friend whose been through worse things and even been put into a institute a few times.
But then again ofcourse, a counselor is meant to help and i guess would know what to say. But how are they suppose to stop me from being depressed? And i dont even know why i am? So im guessing they would ask questions that would somehow unveil why then somehow they would make it go away and then i possible take some drugs? Okkkk..yeah...

[Raynes]

That is a good thing, if you do, I'll be proud of you.

[Sapphire]

You know what you need to do. It's up to you as to whether you do it.

I just don't understand you. If I had been given the opportunity that you have (of getting help early on) then I would have jumped at it...

[electric7rocker]

a councilor can get to the bottom of WHY you cut, and they can then help you fix or help that problem. like when i used to cut a lot, i ended up getting caught and had to see a therapist, and we got down to the basis of why i was so depressed. and she helped me use my words to make things better for me.
they dont just listen and not help.

[chelsay13]

I know a lot of people have said this, but its for the best. Now he knows, and he loves you and wants to help you. Look on the bright side, you didn't have to try to come up with ways to tell him. And now you have a better chance of overcoming your problem!

[eikookmi]

I have yet decided anything. We havn't talked about it since. Today was the first day i wasn't wearing a jacket in the house and i got ambushed and like attacked to see my arm. But anyways, im still contemplating. Maybe im just scared to go to a therapist. A lot of the times i feel like i need to then half the other time i feel like i don't need it.