Jean Poutine
November 29th, 2008, 04:35 AM
I don't know what to do about the path i will take in life.
there is one thing I haven't told you guys from the get-go. I "suffer" from Asperger's syndrome. from those unaware, what this does is, if you base life on an IQ-like scale, intelligence is normal, however social intelligence is completely retarded. yeah, that's the best way I can put it. I'm socially retarded. I do have a professional diagnostic, and I find the label suits me well.
every patient is different, but my problems include : logical thinking, unspoken communication (gestures, flirting, facial expression) and general independance (my mom generally answers the phone for me, orders my pizzas, gets me to college because I'm too anxious for the bus, basically everything I cannot do, or what I'm scared to do). unlike some people, I only have slight language problem. I have a monotone intonation and tend to speak like a book, but that can easily pass as a quirk.
there are some benefits, though. asperger's gives me a memory that, without being photographic, is still excellent. I do well in things that demand abstract thinking, such as philosophy or literature, since my condition offers me a point of view on the world that few people possess.
I say "suffer" because it's impossible to suffer from something if that's what you have known all your life. my condition does not bother me, socially speaking. I'm built for a lonely life and it suits me.
anyhow...time to move on to what I really wanted to share.
I have numerous interests. my problem is that for everything I'm great at and love, there is always something fundamentally flawed that keeps me from gearing up for a trade I could partake in.
for example, I love computers. I do program easily and learn easily, but my huge problem is maths. due to my lack of logic, I just fail hard at them. I understand the concept (and should do very well in theory) but cannot apply it for the life of me. I just don't "see" what to do. unfortunately computer science needs maths and they're kicking my ass atm. I don't like computers enough to subject myself to this torture. I hate maths with every god damn cell of my body. without maths, no computer science.
I also love languages. I started studying linguistics at 13 and I'm as well versed in the science as an amateur can be. I also love learning languages. i tried to make that my trade. but of course, with my lousy social skills and avertion to people, how the heck can i function in a language class, which emphasises group work for good reason. my year in modern languages was very painful and I was glad to switch until I remembered how I hated maths. without people ability, no languages.
and then there is the problem of availability. all the other stuff I am interested in (law, philosophy, literature, history) are, well, not in high demand. philosophy in particular is useless when finding a job. literature and history make you a teacher or a critic, and I can't stand both because of people. law, well, while I am a good orator, I think I'd hate every client I have. plus there is like one thousand million lawyers, and I always thought the profession takes a special kind of shameless person.
basically, my stupid condition is keeping me from getting a job I like, unless you call being alone in your basement eating cold pizza a job. I simply do not think society can accomodate someone like me. someone that hates both pure sciences and people...
I always told myself I'd go to the master. I can't even find a suitable bachelor. the next thing I'll do is take an appointment with a counselor. I HAVE to find something, even thought I may be different, or mentally ill, depending on how you put it, I want to earn my keep all the same. I don't want to be that dude on welfare. I refuse to be ruined potential.
to that is a second problem. i'm nearly an hikikomori, that being japanese for someone living in extreme social withdrawal. i go out for school. that's it (I said nearly 'cause real hikikomoris don't even do that). I avoid the outside unless I have something really important to buy, and even then I mostly use a CC. I kinda want to work, but I love being home too much. I take the "nowhere is better than home" saying to an extreme. I just hate being outside the house. I fear that might reduce my chances of finding work, as I am emotionally motivated, but not mentally so. I can't bring myself to leave home most of the time, and when I do, it's with the greatest regret.
halp plox.
there is one thing I haven't told you guys from the get-go. I "suffer" from Asperger's syndrome. from those unaware, what this does is, if you base life on an IQ-like scale, intelligence is normal, however social intelligence is completely retarded. yeah, that's the best way I can put it. I'm socially retarded. I do have a professional diagnostic, and I find the label suits me well.
every patient is different, but my problems include : logical thinking, unspoken communication (gestures, flirting, facial expression) and general independance (my mom generally answers the phone for me, orders my pizzas, gets me to college because I'm too anxious for the bus, basically everything I cannot do, or what I'm scared to do). unlike some people, I only have slight language problem. I have a monotone intonation and tend to speak like a book, but that can easily pass as a quirk.
there are some benefits, though. asperger's gives me a memory that, without being photographic, is still excellent. I do well in things that demand abstract thinking, such as philosophy or literature, since my condition offers me a point of view on the world that few people possess.
I say "suffer" because it's impossible to suffer from something if that's what you have known all your life. my condition does not bother me, socially speaking. I'm built for a lonely life and it suits me.
anyhow...time to move on to what I really wanted to share.
I have numerous interests. my problem is that for everything I'm great at and love, there is always something fundamentally flawed that keeps me from gearing up for a trade I could partake in.
for example, I love computers. I do program easily and learn easily, but my huge problem is maths. due to my lack of logic, I just fail hard at them. I understand the concept (and should do very well in theory) but cannot apply it for the life of me. I just don't "see" what to do. unfortunately computer science needs maths and they're kicking my ass atm. I don't like computers enough to subject myself to this torture. I hate maths with every god damn cell of my body. without maths, no computer science.
I also love languages. I started studying linguistics at 13 and I'm as well versed in the science as an amateur can be. I also love learning languages. i tried to make that my trade. but of course, with my lousy social skills and avertion to people, how the heck can i function in a language class, which emphasises group work for good reason. my year in modern languages was very painful and I was glad to switch until I remembered how I hated maths. without people ability, no languages.
and then there is the problem of availability. all the other stuff I am interested in (law, philosophy, literature, history) are, well, not in high demand. philosophy in particular is useless when finding a job. literature and history make you a teacher or a critic, and I can't stand both because of people. law, well, while I am a good orator, I think I'd hate every client I have. plus there is like one thousand million lawyers, and I always thought the profession takes a special kind of shameless person.
basically, my stupid condition is keeping me from getting a job I like, unless you call being alone in your basement eating cold pizza a job. I simply do not think society can accomodate someone like me. someone that hates both pure sciences and people...
I always told myself I'd go to the master. I can't even find a suitable bachelor. the next thing I'll do is take an appointment with a counselor. I HAVE to find something, even thought I may be different, or mentally ill, depending on how you put it, I want to earn my keep all the same. I don't want to be that dude on welfare. I refuse to be ruined potential.
to that is a second problem. i'm nearly an hikikomori, that being japanese for someone living in extreme social withdrawal. i go out for school. that's it (I said nearly 'cause real hikikomoris don't even do that). I avoid the outside unless I have something really important to buy, and even then I mostly use a CC. I kinda want to work, but I love being home too much. I take the "nowhere is better than home" saying to an extreme. I just hate being outside the house. I fear that might reduce my chances of finding work, as I am emotionally motivated, but not mentally so. I can't bring myself to leave home most of the time, and when I do, it's with the greatest regret.
halp plox.