It Happened...

[Zephyr]

I moved back home on Wednesday.
More or less made to anyway.
I got a call at 7 AM that morning from my madre saying,
"We're going to be there at 2, you're moving back home. Be ready.".

All in that same day I:
Quit my job,
Had to tell my boss why I had to quit,
Had to spill my guts to Sarah...
Which she was totally awesome about,
But it was hard to tell her,
Especially on such short notice.
Packed, moved and unpacked all of my crap.
Then I had to sit down and talk about everything with my mom and step dad,
Which was even harder since I just cried the whole time.

Then Thanksgiving...
Turns out my step dad told my step brother, Derrick, what was going on with me,
Because he knows that I look up to Derrick as a role model and friend.
Which made me feel like trash because Derrick paid all of this attention to me and was so nice,
Giving me random hugs all day, trying to cheer me up and told me to call him anytime for anything...
And I don't deserve to have such a wonderful person in my life :(

Today...
It just finally hit me that without my job,
I have nothing to do in my free time.
I can't go back to that job since my boss wanted to let me go anyway,
And finding a new one is going to be hard as hell due to the economy.
Point is, when I have too much free time on my hands,
I get to thinking too much and very dangerously.
I have to be mentally occupied otherwise I go completely bonkers.

I've been to depressed all day, it's exhausting.
I don't want to be like this, yet I am.
And the thoughts of suicide still won't go away...
It's like an itch that has to be scratched,
But you know that you can't scratch it otherwise it will just get worse.
I can't cry when I want to and I do cry when I don't want to.
Nothing makes sense.
Nothing.
I am nothing.

[Patchy]

Wow Steph I didn't realise things were so hard for you at the Moment.

Firstly, your NOT nothing. The fact all this is going on in your life at the moment I can understand why your feeling this way however you have to look forward, your 18, you'll soon be able to get another job, even if it is like working at some store nearby.

I know its easy for myself to say this but try and keep yourself busy. Be that speaking to your great step bro or just keep on VT keeping in contact with everyone on here.

This is a rough patch for you as I can tell however things will get better, just look forward.

We're all gonna help you on here since we wanna help you through this hun x

[Hyper]

If I were you I'd be glad to accept random hugs in the day!

And Your Steph, 18, student, VT Global mod (damn that would look nice on a CV)

But seriously your right that scratching an itch only makes it worse. The same goes for giving up which what your practically doing, putting yourself down, it will get worse over time if you keep doing it.

Its a hard thing to break out of but it is possible, you ARE still taking your meds right?

[Zephyr]

Yes.
Still taking my meds.
I have an appointment with my psychologist Monday,
He was supposed to call my doctor and discuss my meds and whatnot.
I can't get in to see my doctor due to a shortage...
One doctor left and another died,
So they're overbooked.

[Hyper]

Well that sucks but still go to see your psychologist for sure

And don't you have some silly thing to do to keep your mind occupied? I have alot of things to do to keep my mind occupied, computer, music, excercise, reading about random stuff that interests me i.e history, philosophy, art, religion etc etc.

So find something to occupy time with, there has to be something, there is something for everyone.

Your feelings will pass in time just the amount of time is always uncertain (sucks a bit but yeah gotta deal with it)

And accept all the love and support You get if you want to get better. Here random hugs from me too :hug: :hug:

[Removed]

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