Is is the third time around.

[nachtspiegel]

This is the third time I have seriously contemplated going back to the hospital.
I'm going through a terrible low.
Suicide has been hanging over me for days and I can't stop cutting.
I can't rationalize or think straight.
If I don't feel a complete change by Friday (and I doubt that I will) then I am having my mother sign me back into a hospital.
I am prepared to be there for a month or two.
I am prepared to be honest.
I am torn between living and dying.
My mother and sister will probably be angry with me,
And my sister will just talk about how I get to go on "vacation" and "run away from my problems."
But... I don't know what else to do.
I'm at a loss.
If I don't get it taken care of, I will end up dead.
I already know it.
Right now, I can slightly rationalize.
Tonight... maybe not.
That's how it is.
:(

by the way, can a mod change the first word of the title to 'it'?
it's getting on my nerves.

[nachtspiegel]

Okay, so that's not going to happen. My sister found my razor blade on the sink. They've realized that the best way to deal with me is to ignore that I do it. They've finally accepted that I'm a screw up and not much can really be done to make me the normal son and brother they'd like to have. My mom is deathly ill right now (she wasn't even this bad during the many times of being hospitalized with pneumonia) and there's too much shit to take care of around here.
I'm going to have to stand up, shut up, suck it up, smile, and hope for the best.

[Atonement]

There are times where you have to do what is best for you. There are times where it is good to be selfish. This isn't being selfish, this is being safe and tyrying to better yourself. Do what you need to do.

[nachtspiegel]

So, as is obvious, I'm still here and I'm not going anywhere.
It's been either three or four days since the last time but I know I'm going to cave because I'm by myself again.

It's not as bad tonight as it was a week ago, but there's nothing stopping it from getting back to that point.
My mind wanders.

[Bobby]

Just remember we are here. Come here when you feel that urge, not to your cutting tools.

[Hyper]

David Your not a screw up and most likely Your family just doesn't know how to deal with your problems, doesn't understand them and is a little ignorant..

If you keep getting worse go to the hospital David! If you get better slowly stay home but definately go if you get worse because a guy who is contemplating suicide and going slowly insane is no good for anyone even if he tries to stand and smile