smile123
November 25th, 2008, 06:52 PM
I don't think things will ever look up for me.
I'm starting to see a pattern in my life, which is, I will always be a failure. I will never be happy for at least a period of time, and I will never have anything to look forward to.
I suppose I'll start the beginning.
For most of my life, my family life has been terrible. My mother has been depressed most of my life, and because of her depression, I believe she abused me, emotionally. I forgive her for that, but what I don't forgive her for is never admitting it.
Anyways, because of her not, (to sugarcoat it) "being all there" for me emotionally, I developed some terrible behavior. Depression, really. I was always hostile, rude, throwing tantrums, etc. up until I was in middle school. I I don't really know what it was. My doctor's think that some traits of my mother's bi-polar disorder/depression rubbed off on me. Not to say that I had it, but it almost became a PART of me.
Because of this, I obviously had no friends, and of course, no romantic interests.
In the 8th grade, I got some sort of epiphany that how I was living was not the way to live. I made a pact to change myself, become a better, happier person. I worked at that goal for three years. I like to say that I officially accomplished that last year. I made SO much progress last year.
I'd like to erase that chapter of my life, but I can't. It haunts me, in the form of my mother, who is constantly reminding me. My brother, who acts just like I did, which my mother blames on me, and the fact that I live in the same place, so there are still many people who don't like me, even though I've changed.
And now, I have slipped into severe depression.
It all started with this school year. Typically, I'm an A-B student with a good memory. This year, it all went down hill, even though I applied myself more than ever more. I get to a test, and make stupid mistakes every time. It's all my fault.
I now have straight C's, and might fail this year.
So, I slipped into depression. Plus, the fact that school was my sanctuary, really, to get away from the difficulties at home. Now, school sucks, home sucks, etc.
I am very depressed. And with my new depression, I can feel all the progress I made last year, eroding. I am trying not to be the person I was before, but it keeps coming back.
See, it's kind of like being fat. While your fat, everyone calls you "fatso!" and "ugly!", and "no one will ever date you!". So, you lose weight, and people still call you that.
I think that's another thing adding to my depression, the fact that even though I changed, no one cares. It may not seem like a big deal to anyone else, but I want a boyfriend. The point here, though, is not the boyfriend. It's the idea that someone other than my own family can love me. That I succeeded in becoming a better person, because before, obviously, no one but my own family could love me. But now...people still don't.
So to speak, I "got out of my own way", and it doesn't even matter.
I guess it is a lot of things, and as I've repeated several times, I am severely depressed.
I can't even see a future where I'd be really happy, since I have never been happy before.
I'm starting to see a pattern in my life, which is, I will always be a failure. I will never be happy for at least a period of time, and I will never have anything to look forward to.
I suppose I'll start the beginning.
For most of my life, my family life has been terrible. My mother has been depressed most of my life, and because of her depression, I believe she abused me, emotionally. I forgive her for that, but what I don't forgive her for is never admitting it.
Anyways, because of her not, (to sugarcoat it) "being all there" for me emotionally, I developed some terrible behavior. Depression, really. I was always hostile, rude, throwing tantrums, etc. up until I was in middle school. I I don't really know what it was. My doctor's think that some traits of my mother's bi-polar disorder/depression rubbed off on me. Not to say that I had it, but it almost became a PART of me.
Because of this, I obviously had no friends, and of course, no romantic interests.
In the 8th grade, I got some sort of epiphany that how I was living was not the way to live. I made a pact to change myself, become a better, happier person. I worked at that goal for three years. I like to say that I officially accomplished that last year. I made SO much progress last year.
I'd like to erase that chapter of my life, but I can't. It haunts me, in the form of my mother, who is constantly reminding me. My brother, who acts just like I did, which my mother blames on me, and the fact that I live in the same place, so there are still many people who don't like me, even though I've changed.
And now, I have slipped into severe depression.
It all started with this school year. Typically, I'm an A-B student with a good memory. This year, it all went down hill, even though I applied myself more than ever more. I get to a test, and make stupid mistakes every time. It's all my fault.
I now have straight C's, and might fail this year.
So, I slipped into depression. Plus, the fact that school was my sanctuary, really, to get away from the difficulties at home. Now, school sucks, home sucks, etc.
I am very depressed. And with my new depression, I can feel all the progress I made last year, eroding. I am trying not to be the person I was before, but it keeps coming back.
See, it's kind of like being fat. While your fat, everyone calls you "fatso!" and "ugly!", and "no one will ever date you!". So, you lose weight, and people still call you that.
I think that's another thing adding to my depression, the fact that even though I changed, no one cares. It may not seem like a big deal to anyone else, but I want a boyfriend. The point here, though, is not the boyfriend. It's the idea that someone other than my own family can love me. That I succeeded in becoming a better person, because before, obviously, no one but my own family could love me. But now...people still don't.
So to speak, I "got out of my own way", and it doesn't even matter.
I guess it is a lot of things, and as I've repeated several times, I am severely depressed.
I can't even see a future where I'd be really happy, since I have never been happy before.