the d word

[Gumleaf]

well i think its better that i write this now while i'm in a good frame of mind. but i think i need to talk about this properly. the question i'm starting to ask myself now is am i depressed? are the down days i have part of a bigger problem? am i just a worrier, or is there more to it then that? after trying to figure things out with someone after a very bad day yesterday, it appears that the answer to the question is yes. :(

i've already promised someone that i will tell my parents. i want to tell them but at the same time i don't want to trouble them with another of my problems. i never thought this would happen to me. up until now i have had down times like everyone has and have always been able to handle them no problem. just talking to a friend or to my girlfriend has always made things better in the past, but its clear its gone past that now.

why is it past that? my girlfriend rang me twice from work in a 3 hour shift yesterday to check up on me because she is so worried about me. now, its not fair on her and it makes me a very selfish person to expect her to be there like that whenever i'm down. if this continues its been quite rightly pointed out to me that it will affect my relationship with my girlfriend.

so today is the day for action. i will have the opportunity. i'm going to talk to my sister when she gets home from work. i'm going to tell her how i've been feeling. i want to tell her so i have her with me when i tell my parents. i'm scared as hell and don't want to do it, but i've now realised that this is something that i need to do. i hope this is the first step in me starting to get better. i'm glad i've got all that out now too.

[Zephyr]

Wub you triplet <3

Let me know how it goes = ]

[Kiros]

Ditto. Good luck with the chat. Hope you feel better, man. :hug:

[Gumleaf]

i tried putting it off, i tried thinking that i'm making this sound worse then it is and i can actually handle it. but then i remembered the promise i made and the unwanted and unneeded strain i'm putting on my girlfriend and i realised that there is no way around it. when my sister came home i built myself up and went to go and tell her. but before i got a word in she spent 10 minutes telling me about her problems at work. after listening to that i started to chicken out a bit. in fact, when she finished she said to me "what were you going to talk about?" and i said "don't worry about it, its ok". but then the said "i know something is up, you weren't talking much yesterday" and then she asked me if i was having problems with my girlfriend and stuff.

so anyways, i somehow built up the courage again and spilt my guts. it hit home for me because i cried and i don't even know why. the reaction on her face when i told her about the extents of my down times, especially of late, left her shocked i think. then she got upset with herself for not checking in with me more often, but i said i probably wouldn't have said anything anyways. she said she was glad i told her because she said that it could get out of control and promised that she will look after me. she also said that whenever i get really down that i have to ring her up straight away. she also said that i have to tell mum and dad and she even suggested that she would be with me to tell them. she then asked me how much of this does my girlfriend know, and i told her basically all of it and that yesterday she was really worried about me. so now my sis is going to call my girlfriend so they can work out the best way to deal with me i guess.

anyways, my sister said that when we are all home we are going to talk about it with my parents on thursday night. like what a friend has already suggested, she said i might need to see a counsellor for help. idk, i guess we'll have to see what my parents say first. this is so scary though, i've never felt this bad before and its getting worse and i hate it. but knowing my sister and girlfriend care so much helps and makes it worthwhile. she said she wants me to be happy again and that i deserve to be happy. hopefully this is a step in the right direction and that i'm not causing too much trouble and putting too much of a burden on everyone. there are more things to worry about right now then me.

[Zephyr]

*huggles*
That is all = ]

[Gumleaf]

well this whole thing is proving hard to handle. i'm not liking it at all. i am full of mixed thoughts and feelings and feel like tearing my head off and getting a new one. well yesterday wasn't a good day for me. i was downa bit and was basically dragged in by my sister and girlfriend to tell my mum about how bad my down times actually are and that my friends think i need help.

it didn't go well. i couldn't say anything. i didn't want to say anything and i don't know why. after sitting there looking at the floor for a while my sister did the talking. it was like i didn't want her to know. i just couldn't say anything. my mum started asking me questions about some stuff and i didn't say anything and ended up getting up and going to my room. my girlfriend came in and sat with me and asked me if i was ok. i wouldn't talk to my girlfriend or anyone and just sat there thinking how stupid i am and stuff. i know its silly to think that but its like i can't help it when i get like that. anyways, my girlfriend and i went for a long walk and it cleared my head a bit and it was good, we talked about different stuff and laughed a bit and it was good.

i got home after saying goodnight to my girlfriend and my mum came and talked to me about it. again i couldn't say much at all. its all seems so stupid and i feel like an idiot. but it appears like i'm going to be going to see a counsellor or theropist after my mum talks to my dad about it. now i regret bringing the whole thing up. i might not have been happy but by keeping it to myself my stupid down moods didn't bother anyone else, now it does.

i'm so stupid. i don't deserve to have people like me because i'm a bad person back. i have people who reach out and want to help me and for a while i see the light, and then i go back to the old ways and ush them away. idiots like me don't deserve to be happy or anything. i really hate myself right now, this is a total disaster and i wish it would go away.

[Zephyr]

Stephen, darling..... *HUGGLES*

It'll be okay!
You did the right thing by letting your family know.
You were brave in letting them know,
These things can't be helped on their own.
Believe me,
I've tried for the better part of 6 years to deal on my own,
And failed miserably.

We want you better.
Your family wants you better.

And you are anything but a bad person,
You've cheered me up so many times, I can't even count!

I know it's hard to see,
Everything is foggy in your head,
But you deserve to be well hun = ]

[Hyper]

Stop talking stupid depressed crap

Why you stared at the floor and couldn't say anything? Well its simple because we don't want to be vulnerable we don't want to show that we're in pain and we especially don't want to show our pain to the people we love because it will hurt them

The fact is if nobody would ever find out Stephen you'd go insane and in a month or two you'd be in the wonderful stages of insomnia, random aches & pains, anxiety, easily irritatable and so on and a little bit after that you'll get 1 of 2

Your just so damn depressed that you can't get out of bed or You just don't give a fuck anymore and want to die. By this stage your literally lying on the ground and taking a beating from yourself basically

The point is depression isn't something that you can tackle alone. You can tackle some mild stress alone but for depression you need professional help & loving support

So stop putting yourself down I've seen your posts you worry damn alot about your family, gf etc. Your a caring person so just take the support & care from others or you'll never get out of this!

[Gumleaf]

well now that both my parents know about all this crap, it appears they have taken it seriously and have already found me a counsellor. she was introduced to me tonight and i'll be seeing her for the first time next week. the more i think about it, the more i think this isn't a good idea, but other people do so i will try it i guess. we'll see what happens i guess but i don't think talking to someone will change things. i talk to people already and it doesn't help. as far as i'm concerned i'm just useless and am a lost cause. oh well, we'll see what happens i guess. meh!

[Callwaiting]

well now that both my parents know about all this crap, it appears they have taken it seriously and have already found me a counsellor. she was introduced to me tonight and i'll be seeing her for the first time next week. the more i think about it, the more i think this isn't a good idea, but other people do so i will try it i guess. we'll see what happens i guess but i don't think talking to someone will change things. i talk to people already and it doesn't help. as far as i'm concerned i'm just useless and am a lost cause. oh well, we'll see what happens i guess. meh!

Dude you're far from useless! From what I've seen on the forums you're a nice, loving person with a lot to give!
You're on the first step to getting better and that's a really good thing, no matter how bad it might feel now.
Hope all goes well with your counseller, and remember that talking really can help!

[Gumleaf]

well i don't know. today has been a bad day so far and i can't see t getting better. i'm feeling so down and just feel like i'm all alone. i know people care, they tell me they do, but i just don't want to trouble them with my problems anymore. i called my sister and told her and she told me to talk to my girlfriend about it. but i don't want her to worry about me like last week. i kept a fake smile on my face and tried to be happy even though on the inside i'm not for the whole day. she deserves to be able to do things without having to worry about me. i'm so stupid and an idiot. i wish i could be normal and not so negative. meh! who cares anyways? i'm sorry for posting all this crap. you people shouldn't have to put up with me like this and i'm sorry, but there is nobody else i can tell.

[Zephyr]

Stephen...

You're not posting crap.
It's perfectly healthy to get all of those thoughts out of your head and somewhere else.

As I've said:

We want you happy.
Your family wants you happy.
God wants you to be happy.

And NOT the fake happy.

We all want you to do what it takes to be truly happy,
That's why you're being helped on and off of the internet.
We arn't helping you on a random whim.
We truly want to help.
We arn't wasting our time.
If we were, we wouldn't be trying to help you hun = ]

*huggles*

[ShatteredWings]

Stephen, i know the last time we had a conversation, it was more of a debate.

But.
None of this stuff you've posted is crap.
NONE of it is invalid
People want to help you.
Hyper is right.. if you let it go, it'll get worse. A LOT worse.
:hug3:

[Gumleaf]

this is so stupid. i feel so stupid. its like i have no control of myself. in 2 hours i've gone from feeling fine to basically being back at rock bottom. i can't go on like this. i can't stand it any longer. i can't control my emotions at all. i feel like my head is going to explode and all the tears are going to come out. this is just so stupid. i'm a dickhead! i want to tell people, i want them to know, but when i think that i also think that they won't want to know which is what i'm feeling now. boy i'm so stupid. i should be shot to put myself and everyone connected to me out of misery.

[Hyper]

No I think you need to grab a pillow hug it and cry a little maybe.. Sometimes helps..

People have gotten through this before.. So can You. And none of them have had to be shot because their ''dickheads''

I assure you there are far worse dickheads out there than you.

[Gumleaf]

well today i'm feeling much better then yesterday. i saw my counsellor for the first time today. i don't want to go into the details of what we talked about other then to say that she asked me some questions about why i think i feel down and the things that trigger me feeling down. she also suggested that for the moment i see her weekly. so my next appointment will be next thursday afternoon. it was hard to open up but i tried my best to. i think as time goes by and i become more comfortable around her, things will get better. it also seems that there are benefits with parents knowing professional counsellors and stuff. usually she doesn't like to "treat" people unless they have a doctors referal, but she is seeing me anyways which is good. i don't think i could talk to a normal doctor about all this anyways. so yeah, a positive start i think, i hope that this is the start of better days for me to come. :)

[Sapphire]

:hug3: :hug: :hug3:

That is good news, Stephen. I hope that you continue to feel better than the day before x

[Gumleaf]

well today has been a major test for me and even though its not over yet, far from it, i've been able to figure things out. i've found that i slide into these down times when either one or both of a couple of things happen. the first thing is when i'm alone and something small happens that gets me down and the other thing is that something pisses me off and then that gets me down.

by talking to friends and trying to think about how to deal with it after my first counselling session yesterday i've been able to find ways to help myself when i start feeling and thinking those bad thoughts. so today, since i've been home alone for the most part, i've been careful not to allow myself to get like that. but a couple of things happened that started me feeling crap and both times i went out for a walk and that sort of has cleared my head a bit.

this doesn't solve the problem but i guess i'm learning how to manage it a bit i suppose. because with 2 seperate things today triggering me off, i was able to get out and calm myself down before spiralling into a heap. i guess i'm learning how to read the signs a bit. idk, this might be a positive thing, i'm not sure.

[Callwaiting]

Well learning to manage your moods and identify the triggers of those moods is actually very positive! You should discuss this with your counseller to try and come up with strategies to clear your head of a bad mood before it becomes a problem.
You mentioned that going for walks helps your mood; simple stuff like this can really help.

Hope you feel better soon, and remember to discuss everything with your counseller, that's what they're there for!

[whiterecyclables94]

Tell me if im wrong but from reading through this thread you appear to understand your circumstances and that is one of the best things that you can do in this type of situation i also had depression and one thing that people dont really understand is that change takes time. If you want an easy way out you can take pills but if you really want to get over your problem then it takes time and self motivation and both of which are on your side

Cheers
Whiterecyclables94

[Gumleaf]

all i've done is come home from work today and i already am feeling down again. nothing in particular has triggered it, there is no particular reason that i'm feeling this way. but i'm getting those nasty thoughts again. i hate it i hate it i hate it!!! why can't i be normal. why can't i be like a normal person and enjoy life instead of coming home and feel like this. i'm just stupid and a pathetic person. i don't deserve to have friends, i don't deserve a girlfriend and i don't deserve to have people love me. i'm just useless and a total waste of space. :cry:

[NightHawksr71]

all i've done is come home from work today and i already am feeling down again. nothing in particular has triggered it, there is no particular reason that i'm feeling this way. but i'm getting those nasty thoughts again. i hate it i hate it i hate it!!! why can't i be normal. why can't i be like a normal person and enjoy life instead of coming home and feel like this. i'm just stupid and a pathetic person. i don't deserve to have friends, i don't deserve a girlfriend and i don't deserve to have people love me. i'm just useless and a total waste of space. :cry:

Your definatly not a waste of space, if you need some inspiration then look back in the thread you will see lots of people that are worried about you and care. it doesn't seem like it atm, but soon things will get better. You just have to stay alive to get there. For the sake of everyone thats loves you, and yourself stick with it. Your family and gf obviously care or they wouldn't be trying to help you and make you better.

[Gumleaf]

i had been doing well. today was going to be day 6 of not having a down day. but here i am again. the pressure of things building up and now its all hit me. i look at how insignificant i am, how much unnecessary trouble i cause people. all i do is make people worry and waste their time. this is so stupid, i'm so stupid. i guess its probably a good thing i have counselling today. i'm just an idiot and pathetic. damn it!!!

[Gumleaf]

apart from a small bump in the road, being my last post, i haven't had a down day now for 17 days!!! :D i hope i can double it.

[Gumleaf]

i've had a crappy day. a few things have happened and now i feel stupid and like a dumbass. its getting to the point now where i think that when i fainted today, which was my own stupid fault, i would be just better off just dying on the floor so i wouldn't have to bother people with feeling down all the time and being a burden to them. i feel like i'm just a waste of space and that i have no purpose. i'm basically useless and screw everything up. it would be so much better if i wasn't here. meh. i hate this, i really hate it all. i was making so much progress, i was doing so well and now look where i am. back at rock bottom. i'm just pathetic, i really am. now i've just let everyone down again. i hate this, i hate this life so much right now. :cry:

[Zephyr]

There's always going to be potholes in the road,
It's not always smooth sailing when you're trying to get better.
Just remember, you have your family, your friends, your wonderful girlfriend and VT supporting you hun = ]

[ShatteredWings]

i've had a crappy day. a few things have happened and now i feel stupid and like a dumbass. its getting to the point now where i think that when i fainted today, which was my own stupid fault, i would be just better off just dying on the floor so i wouldn't have to bother people with feeling down all the time and being a burden to them. i feel like i'm just a waste of space and that i have no purpose. i'm basically useless and screw everything up. it would be so much better if i wasn't here. meh. i hate this, i really hate it all. i was making so much progress, i was doing so well and now look where i am. back at rock bottom. i'm just pathetic, i really am. now i've just let everyone down again. i hate this, i hate this life so much right now. :cry:

Are you listening, if you're not, i suegest you do

I don't think fainting can really be your fault, first off. Secondly, you're NOT a waste of space. Gosh, just about nobody is.
The whole perfectionist thing i get -- it's a serous problem for me too -- but i don't think you could screw up everything. What's goin' on?

[Gumleaf]

girl;418566']Are you listening, if you're not, i suegest you do

I don't think fainting can really be your fault, first off. Secondly, you're NOT a waste of space. Gosh, just about nobody is.
The whole perfectionist thing i get -- it's a serous problem for me too -- but i don't think you could screw up everything. What's goin' on?

when i get in my down times i type exactly how i'm feeling right at that moment. i have to say though that fainting was my fault. i shouldn't have allowed myself to get dehydrated, but those other thoughts are what i really feel like when i'm down in the dumps. i put myself down as low as i can. but thanks gwyn for your concern. its good to know that people do care. :)

[ShatteredWings]

That deosn't mean that your feelings aren't valid.

[Gumleaf]

i haven't had a good run at all this week. i've been feeling down again at least twice fairly badly. yesterday afternoon i was bad enough that i spent nearly 2 hours in my room looking at the ceiling thinking about nasty things about myself. why can't i just get better. i thought this counselling was starting to help? i know you can't fix these things with the click of the finger, but still, i thought i was making progress and now i've let everyone down again. this is so stupid. people love me and care for me and i know it, yet all i repay them with is me whinging and moaning about things. grrrrrr, i so suck!

[ShatteredWings]

Nothing just 'changes' suddenly.
Yuo probably are getting better.
but sometimes, its like things hit a bad point and you get stuck [ha, i'm stuck right now... like i can talk =/]
but..it should change.

[Gumleaf]

girl;420809']Nothing just 'changes' suddenly.
Yuo probably are getting better.
but sometimes, its like things hit a bad point and you get stuck [ha, i'm stuck right now... like i can talk =/]
but..it should change.

it hasn't been a good week at all. i've been feeling down pretty much since yesterday afternoon and it really hasn't stopped. i feel like i'm stuck in that bad place. i keep thinking i'm worthless and other worse things. its not good at all. blahhhhhhhhhhhh

[ShatteredWings]

Yeah, it feels that way doesn't it?
Doesn't stay that way though. [Really, it doesn't. Has been known to come back though, which sucks]
There've been good points in the week though, right?

[Gumleaf]

girl;420857']Yeah, it feels that way doesn't it?
Doesn't stay that way though. [Really, it doesn't. Has been known to come back though, which sucks]
There've been good points in the week though, right?

a few good things here and there i guess. idk, i always seem to focus on the bad stuff you know. its just so stupid though. i have a girlfriend who loves me, i have friends that love me. so why do i feel so alone and worthless? i can't figure it out. i feel like a lost cause that everyone should just forget about. it would make things so much easier for everyone!

[ShatteredWings]

Eh, lotsa people do. I'm guilty of this too.
I'd say your mind is fucked up, but i think anyone who stays on vt for more than p101 has a disturbed mind.
No one can just 'forget' about someone -- unless they're heartless. I doubt your real life friends are heartless. If they are, fuck 'em. you don't need that.

[Gumleaf]

meh, idk. i think i'm just a stupid idiot. i think everyone would be better off without me i think anyways.

[ShatteredWings]

Don't. Talk. Like. That.
I mean it.
Don't.

[Zephyr]

Sweetie, when you get to feeling like that, text!
I'll respond or get to my IM as soon as I can.
You know I'm here for you, even if it's just a distraction.

And but this, "people would be better off without me", crap.
On a lot of my down nights, I would have been worse off had you not talked to me = ]

[Gumleaf]

Sweetie, when you get to feeling like that, text!
I'll respond or get to my IM as soon as I can.
You know I'm here for you, even if it's just a distraction.

And but this, "people would be better off without me", crap.
On a lot of my down nights, I would have been worse off had you not talked to me = ]

:) thanks steph. i know you and other people are here for me. its just, when i feel like that i just get, well, in this invisible hole where all of a sudden i think nobody cares and if they do that they won't want to hear about my problems and they have better things to do rather then worry about me. i'm just weird and stupid. but thats what happens.

[Gumleaf]

i'm so stupid. why do allow myself to slip into these moods??? i'm such a stupid person. everyone deserves to have me out of their lives. all the time all i do is whinge and complain. all i do is cause people pain and make them worry. then that affects everything and annoys everyone. i annoy my friends, i just annoy everyone. i suck so much. and now i'm just going to end up losing all my friends. i wish i could curl up in a corner and disappear. nobody deserves this, nobody at all.

[BuryYourFlame]

Stephan,
for what it's worth i would like to tell you what I think of you:

as you can see i only registered on this site today, and already i can see that you are an awesome guy who has made great contributions into the lives of people who have needed your help. I can see that God has a better plan for you than for you to waste your time worrying that you are no good. You are a great guy!!

Let me know if theres anythin i can do,

Declan

[Gumleaf]

i'm having trouble putting how i'm feeling this morning into words. idk, its all very strange. i've been in denial about it for a while, trying to convince myself its not true, but i know inside it is true. i finally came to that realisation yesterday. i can't stop hiding it from myself, i need to deal with it. but i don't think its something my counsellor could help me with. my gf definetly can't help me with it, really, nobody i don't think could help me with it.

when i was feeling crap yesterday, it was still all those normal negative thoughts, but the other thing was on the front of my mind too. it all had me feeling so bad yesterday i had to force myself to eat lunch because i couldn't eat. i felt really funny on the inside and thats not a good funny either, it was probably more guilty. i don't know, i just feel sooo, well, stupid, meh, i don't even know. i feel like crying again. i don't even know why i posted this. its like opening a new can of worms in my life that need to stay shut.

[ShatteredWings]

i'm having trouble putting how i'm feeling this morning into words. idk, its all very strange. i've been in denial about it for a while, trying to convince myself its not true, but i know inside it is true. i finally came to that realisation yesterday. i can't stop hiding it from myself, i need to deal with it.
And you know this! Please, try to listen to yourself here
but i don't think its something my counsellor could help me with. my gf definetly can't help me with it, really, nobody i don't think could help me with it.
Someone can help... if you talk to them.

it all had me feeling so bad yesterday i had to force myself to eat lunch because i couldn't eat. i felt really funny on the inside and thats not a good funny either, it was probably more guilty. i don't know, i just feel sooo, well, stupid, meh,
Um.. Worry much...
Please! Don't ever do that... to yourself.. please... don't...
im prolly over raeacting to that.. but it's kinda serous to me... im still figing, and wen someone else is doing it,its scary
i don't even know. i feel like crying again. i don't even know why i posted this. its like opening a new can of worms in my life that need to stay shut.
Let's dive into your mind
If you're asking, you want help, yes?
Crying is ok
:hug:

[Gumleaf]

well just reading back to what i posted on friday, its just making me cringe at how down i was and how my irrational thinking seemed so rational then. i guess if any good came out of that rotten day, its that i was able to make some notes about how i was feeling, what i was thinking and how things just happened in general. that was my homework from counselling last week. so i'm hoping that when i go back tomorrow, that she can use those notes i made to help me deal with the things that make me feel down and stuff. i've kinda been talked in to suggesting that i go twice a week to counselling because i'm still getting down very often. so i don't want to directly talk to my parents about it. i'm going to ask the counsellor what she thinks, and whether she thinks it will be useful for me to go more often. if she does, i will ask her to talk to my parents about that, i just don't want to do it. wow! i can't believe i'm posting here while i'm thinking clearly. it makes a change!

[Gumleaf]

well, another week and another down time. at least this time there was a psoitive to go with it. this time i texted a friend without being told to. i was comfortable enough to do it without the normal "nobody cares, why should i tell anyone?" attitude that i get when i feel down. granted this time i wasn't as bad as i have been, but still, down times aren't good no matter how bad they are. so i guess i'm learning how to help myself a little bit anyways. so yeah, thats my small piece of good news after a bad morning.

[MysticalBurrito]

You can get through it :hug:

[Art_dude]

After reading the whole thread (my goodness I am exhuasted lol) I can tell that you are someone that has truly helped and affected the lives of others. You are hardly a waste of space.

This whole, "I'm not good enough, I don't want people to worry about me" thing sounds like the tip of the iceberg to a bigger issue. Have you talked about this to your therapist? From what I've read it sounds like you have often been the shoulder to cry on for your friends, and you always are there to listen and help. But now it is you that needs the shoulder to cry on and you find that to inconvenience your friends and family. Wrong! It sounds like it is time for someone to take care of you for a change instead of continuing on keeping all of this to yourself! I'm amazed at such bravery. If you can take the step to accept help without the guilt factor that you're 'another problem for them to deal with', then you can help yourself out of this hole. You are very articulate at explaining your situation and are very mature about it. I have no doubts that you can make it through to recovery just fine. You are more powerful than you think you are! If ever you need to talk I am here.

[Gumleaf]

i'm hating right now how its the smallest things that are triggering me to feel down. so this time, someone has lied to me. no biggy, i've done it and it sucks. yet i've let it get to me and now i'm feeling down about it. this is getting to the point now where i'm going crazy. its so hard to explain how my head is making me feel. its like when the smallest thing happens, its another reason to convince myself that nobody cares about me and stuff. i'm so stupid. normal people might get pissed off and then get over it, but not me. i dwell on it and let it get me down. i hate myself, this is so stupid and now its the 3rd time in 3 days that i've let the smallest thing get me down. its so stupid!

[Gumleaf]

so i went to counselling again yesterday, even though beforehand i wasn't too keen in going. i guess you could say we are making progress. but its like everytime i get excited that we are getting somewhere, i feel like we are taking a step backwards which is rather discouraging. this time rather then doing my "homework" for counselling i instead basically sat there either feeling sorry for myself or doing nothing to help myself when i've been feeling down. having 3 days in a row of being down didn't help. but the thing is though, i'm stupid. i know in myself i want to get better but everytime we take a step forward, i don't help myself. yesterday i basically wasted most of the time either crying or spilling my guts about the things i think are wrong with me based on my irrational down thoughts yesterday. like really, what will that do? nothing. it won't help at all. i guess i'm probably just trying to rush this, wanting to get better quicker then i physically and mentally can. but yeah, i'm not feeling realley encouraged about this right now at all.

[Gumleaf]

so yeah. i've come to the realisation today that i'm a very jealous person, not to mention childish and selfish as well. i had my birthday party last night which was great, but it was when i got home, well actually into bed last night that i got upset. it was stupid and very selfish. the reason why? i was upset because all my friends from different places all mixed together and then came the "realisation" that now they are all likely to be friends with eachother and not want to be friends, or good freinds, with me anymore. i know i'm really stupid thinking this, but it got me down this morning thinking about it. but i know what the problem is though. because i don't have many friends to start with and because i have trouble making friends because i'm shy, i don't like growing apart from the ones i already have. now i'm very jealous about it, but i don't want to be. i'm just so so stupid. i should be shot, just to be put out of my own and everyone elses misery.

[MikeR]

I can relate in a few ways. All I want to say is that you are an irriplacable person in many peoples lives. I sometimes feel invisiable to all my friends and sometimes family. You probably under estimate the positive impact you have had in peoples lives. You have always been there to supprt them in the tough times which is one of the many reasons that they are there for you. Never EVER think that loading your friend up with your problems will burden them. They are more than happy to be a friend that you can trust and talk about anything to. You are going to get through this becuase your NOT stupid. You have taken the right steps forward to address this and have proven yourself to your family and close friends that you can do this. They believe in you, we believe in you and the big man upstairs KNOWS you can.

[Gumleaf]

this has not been a good week. i've lost count of how many down times i've had. i'm not proud of myself in the slightest. i think i should be put out of my misery.

[Atonement]

Loverbee, (;)) You know how much you mean to people and how much you rock everyone's world's. At least, mine. So cheer up, put a smile one, and hold you head up KNOWING the fact that you are an amazing individual who is stronger than this depression.

And yes, I realize that is harder than it sounds, but, hey, who said it's easy?

[MikeR]

Dont count your down times in the past, live for NOW.
God put you on this earth for a very good reason, we know why he has. But if you dont, dont cut it short before you find out what that reason is.

[Gumleaf]

why do i feel like this? i feel so down and lonely, so not worth it and so upset right now that i'm trying to hide the fact i'm crying from my parents and sister. i hate this, i hate it all. its so stupid and selfish. everyone gets lonely, why does it affect me like this? why do i feel so alone? i have a girlfriend who i can see often. i have another couple of friends i can see sometimes, yet, i just feel so crappy. i'm just a screwed up person. what makes it worse is that i give people advice about feeling down and refuse to follow it myself. i'm such a hyprocrite. damn, i hate myself so much. why can't i be normal? is that too much to ask?

[Gumleaf]

i've been rather stupid and its the rsult of being down again. but whats making things worse now is that i'm now becoming content in pushing people away. people who care, people i need. i don't know why i'm doing this? like today, well the whole weekend really, i haven't been feeling that great. everything is building up on me and it seems its all hit me, dragging me down once again. i've been feeling lonely, alone, a failure and like a waste of space like someone with no life. and even though i've been feeling bad, i have found it really really hard to tell anyone about it. and even worse now, even when my girlfriend tries to help, i push her away, either by putting on my "happy mask" or by saying i need time on my own and stuff. i'm so stupid. her, and other friends are people i need, so why do i push them away? instead of having their support, i'm left alone crying and its all my own bloody fault. this is so screwed, i'm so screwed, this whole life of mine is screwed. :(:(:(

[MikeR]

You have told all of this to your counciler of course? What is their advice?
Why are you pushing everyone that you need away when it is only going to make u feel lonely and alone...

[Gumleaf]

well, since i'm sick this week, no theropy. this isn't good. last weekend was pretty dark for me. i seem to be able to go a few days with things being fine and then all of a sudden it hits me like a brick wall. i want to talk about last weekend. i want to talk about what i was feeling and why. i have written it all down, but have nobody to tell. this just makes things worse. i have much to say and then not being able to say it makes it worse. i'm not going to get better if i have nobody to help me. damn this all!

[darsh123]

we all want you to be happy mate ....!!!

i hope you willl feel good !!!!

[Gumleaf]

i'm being so stupid. how could i be feeling down today? all these good things have been happening in the last couple of days. my mum has survived another cancer scare which had me basically terrified all week before she found that out the good news. the glandular fever which has had me down for ages is finally starting to let some of its grip on me go and today is a year since my girlfriend and i hooked up. so why the hell am i feeling so down? why the hell do i feel no worth? why the hell do i feel so alone? and why the bloody hell have i spent an hour crying in my room when everything around me is improving? i'm so stupid. this is not what happens to normal people. i just wish this would all go away, but i know it won't. i'm stuck in this hole where all i do feel sorry for myself and make a stupid fuss about it here. i should learn to stop being like this. i'm suprised i have any friends left, let alone a girlfriend. i'm such an idiot!

[Gumleaf]

i had gone for nearly 2 weeks. now i'm back to the start again after being a total failure once again. oh well, its my own fault. i don't deserve to be happy anyway, i cause too much strain on everyone to deserve to be happy. i'm so stupid. i hate this, i hate myself, i just hate everything right now!!!

[Gumleaf]

i'm such a failure. i've gone to theropy in the complete wrong frame of mind and the total session was just shambles while i sat there thinking with the attitude that the whole thing was a waste of time. so now thats another wasted session and another thing to add to the list of things i've buggered up because i'm down in the dumps. i'm such an idiot and am so stupid. i could kill myself after todays performance!!!

[Zephyr]

Don't kill yourself sweetie, it's bad for your health.

You know you can text me hun, my mum said that the international texts are okay as long as I don't go overboard with them.

*huggles*

You arn't back to square one, you've just hit a bump in the road is all.

[Gumleaf]

things aren't too good. again i'm feeling down, again i feel alone and useless and like a total failure. but this time i'm not going to bother anyone with my problems. i don't want anyone being bothered by me, i don't want anyone to have to worry about me. i should go and dig a hole, jump in it and stay there. i wish i wasn't here, i really do!!!