Weak

[Zephyr]

Suicide.
It rings in my head like a bell.
The thought never goes away.
The urge is so strong right now,
I don't know what to do with myself.

Staying alive, I'm just a burden to everybody.
Killing myself, I'm just going to cause my loved ones pain.

It's nearing midnight.
I don't want to disturb anybody.

I hate this.
I hate myself.

I can't stop thinking.
I can't stop crying.

I just want it all to go away.

I can't handle myself...
I'm so weak.

[nachtspiegel]

I don't know what to say, considering that I am in the same situation that you are right now. I was about to post something just like this, but you said it better than I could have.

I, however, must say that I think that you're not weak. You are a strong person to even be here right now. BPD is hell.
I hope that these storm clouds pass over you soon, however, I know that hope and real life are two different things sometimes.

:(

[Random_oso06]

No your not Steph your one of the strongest people don't do it your aren't a burden to people you help them with there problems you have good friends it seems like you do ore good than bad and you should be proud of that and every time that bell rings just remember all the good and helpful things you have done with your life :hug:

[Sapphire]

Steph, you aren't weak. If you were weak then you would have acted on these urges regardless of who you would hurt instead of posting here.
Please, get some help to get you through this. You don't need to suffer on your own.

I hope that you have a decent amount of sleep.

[JoshDude]

Suicide is not the answer.
You're not a burden on anybody.
Try and find somebody to talk to! You did the right thing coming here and letting us know. We can help you.
You're not weak.

[Hyper]

Steph don't do this to yourself. The only thing your right about is that killing yourself will only hurt the people you love.

Everything else is bull. Your definately not a burden to everyone and you definately shouldn't hate yourself

As far as I have seen your a nice, intelligent, helpful person to name a few qualities

Life can get absolutely shitty, trust me I know, but you can always come out of it even if your alone

But You are not alone! You have friends, family and you have us geeks here on VT

So just know whatever is wrong it can get better and You will always have someone to turn to either in person or online :)

[theOperaGhost]

Steph, hun, you are NOT a weak person. You would not be here now if you were weak. You are not a burden to anyone either. If they love you, they want to help you. You are loved, Steph! You need to love yourself.

[jacknife]

First off, you come on here and express yourself - that takes strength. All expressions take strength. Every expression is, of course, rooted in some weakness, but that doesn't change the fact that it takes strength to express yourself and your desires.

The fact that weakness is the root of all expressions only means that, when you express yourself, you acknowledge and celebrate both sides of the paradox: strength and weakness (so long as you recognize expressions for what they are, like I do). This is why expressions are innately valuable, because it takes all sides of existence to produce them - so long as you find existence itself to be valuable as well, which you should, then you will find your expressions valuable.


Suicide is an act of strength, just like all other actions and expressions. If you desire suicide, but you just can't do it, then you are weak. Weak because you fail to express yourself. However, you can be strong by affirming and valuing your weaknesses. I fail to express myself all the time, just like all humans do, but I recognize the weakness inherent in that failed expression, and I recognize that I'm not strong enough to achieve expression. I ACKNOWLEDGE my weakness. Through that recognition; through that acknowledgment I create value for my weaknesses because I know that I, myself, am valuable; and I know that anything that is a part of me must also be valuable.


So I'm not gonna tell you that you're not weak... because you are. Just like I am. We're all weak. But that doesn't mean that we are only weak. That doesn't mean that we have no strength. Your strength, just like mine, lies in your ability to express yourself, which, through my very short experience on these forums, you have been able to do quite well. Re-read that sentence: "you have been ABLE to do." "ABLE" as in "ABILITY" as in "REQUIRES STRENGTH, POWER" as in "you CAN achieve this."


This is where suicide enters the picture, and why you shouldn't kill yourself...

We all can laugh at a guy with huge muscles and say something like "He must be insecure about his penis size, hahaha." Or whatever. We can say that his desire to lift weights and have big muscles is rooted in his insecurities and in his weaknesses; but that doesn't change the fact that he IS strong. And, here's the main part, not only is he STRONG, but he is WEAK too. The question is, does he know that? Does he see himself as strong AND weak? And does he value both sides of himself? Does he value his own existence?

When I cut myself, it is an expression; it takes STRENGTH to drag a knife across your own flesh. However, just as everyone here knows, that expression is rooted in some weakness or insecurity. My insecurity is my loneliness and my feelings of being unwanted and unaccepted. I feel ugly, stupid, dumb, foolish, idiotic, etc. But, tell me Steph, would a weak person ever say such things about himself? No, right? A weak person would put on a mask of strength and deny his own weaknesses; but I sit here, like the STRONG person that I am, and I affirm and value my weaknesses. And you, Steph, you do the SAME thing. You just need to realize it and accept it and love it.

If you kill yourself, however; that's the end of all of it. That ends the strengths, ends the weaknesses, ends the happiness, ends the sadness, ends the light, ends the dark, ends the companionship, ends the loneliness... it ends everything that is valuable, it ends you. :(

And there's no reason for that, Steph. Depression is such an awesome thing. Sadness is so wonderful. Tears are amazing. This is how I feel, and I feel ALIVE. Often I feel empty too. I feel nothing at all. But I recognize that as a necessary part of my condition and I value it.

So why would you voluntarily end everything of value? Don't do that Steph. :(

[Θάνατος]

A weak person would just commit suicide so I don't understand why you are saying a person is week for living. It is just the opposite.

If a person who commits suicide or even attempts it is very weak. Not only that the person is very selfish

It takes a strong person to stay alive.

Life sucks and is not fair. The point is you need to get think positive because life will get better. It can't get any worse for you right now if you are thinking about committing suicide.

[jacknife]

A weak person would just commit suicide
You don't think it takes strength to kill yourself? Suicide is an expression and, therefore, requires strength to achieve. Obviously anyone who kills themselves is also weak, but I didn't deny that - in-fact, it's exactly what I said. We are all strong and weak.

I don't want to get into a philosophical argument with you, but I guess it can't be helped. :D If you are confused about my thoughts feel free to keep asking questions. I'll do my best to explain where I'm coming from on this. Obviously my thoughts are dangerous and can produce bad things if dealt with in a different way. I'm not denying that. But, if what I say is taken to heart and understood, then I can assure you that whoever listens will walk away more in tune with themselves as a human being.

so I don't understand why you are saying a person is week for living. It is just the opposite.
I didn't say a person is weak FOR living. I said a living, conscious, human being is, by its very nature, weak. I said all desires are rooted in weakness. Like the desire to eat food is rooted in the weakness of hunger. We NEED food to live. That's a weakness. But it still takes strength to eat food and to express our desire for food. This is the paradox of human consciousness.

You just need to understand that I don't think weakness is a bad thing. I don't think you should try to avoid being weak. Rather, I think you should embrace your weakness. That's all I'm trying to make Steph see, and she's seen it before because she agreed with me last time she was having a crisis like this. I am trying to convince her of the value of her own existence - including her strengths AND her weaknesses. Hence why she should NOT commit suicide, because it would be a failure to recognize the value of her own life.

If a person who commits suicide or even attempts it is very weak. Not only that the person is very selfish
To attempt something, by definition, requires strength.

And we're all selfish. It's part of us. Self-interest is what drives us. There's nothing wrong with it. All the more reason to live and embrace life, because it's, very much, the SELFISH and GREEDY thing to do. Live! Live! Live! And love!

It takes a strong person to stay alive.
I agree.

The point is you need to get think positive because life will get better.
Or life won't get any better. You'll try and try, and you'll fail. You'll get up and you'll get knocked back down. You'll live your whole life never really knowing what the point of it all is, or why you should continue. You'll contemplate suicide many times and you'll also have many moments of depression and boredom.

You're "better off" learning to love yourself for who you are, and loving existence for the chaotic mess that it is. That's all I'm saying. :)

[Sapphire]

I disagree with the statement that people who attempt suicide are weak. It takes strength to attempt suicide and to carry on living.

[Zephyr]

Want it.
Need it.
Can't have it.

GRRR.
It's like an itch that you just can't scratch or it will get worse.
I'm so frustrated.
I feel caged in.
:(

[Bobby]

Please don't do anything stupid Steph. I don't want you to hurt. Just go to sleep. Talk to your family. Call a good friend.

ANYTHING that will make you get away from this urge.

[Atonement]

Steph.You know that I am always right here.Excuse the fact that my spacebar doesn't r eally work.

But, you have my number and can reach me anytime. Not only do I want you do knowthat you ahve my number, I want you to use it.Okay? Use that.

[theOperaGhost]

Well...I'm the same as Addi here. I think you know him better then you know me, but you have my number and I'm always around somewhere. You can text or call any time you need to hun.

[Zephyr]

I'm sorry.
I shouldn't worry you guys like this.

I'm trying to take my mind off of it.
Really.
I just don't want to bother anybody in the process.

I'm still trying to get over the fact that I can't cope alone.
That it isn't healthy to cope alone.

I know all of what you guys tell me,
Really I do.

But if you knew the true extent of,
"It's all in my head."
You'll understand.

[Atonement]

Steph, I don't care if you don't want to bother me. Fine, how is this... I want you to bother me. Steph. Bother me. Its not a burden, its a wish. Know what you can get me for christmas?

Some good 'ole fashion bother. Thats an order.

Te amo.

[theOperaGhost]

Once again, I'm with Addi here. I tell everyone who doesn't want to burden me with something the same thing. I'd rather be bothered than something bad to happen. It doesn't even bother me. OK? ok...

[Θάνατος]

Steph I agree with everyone on here. None of us find it a bother for you to call, text or instant message us. We are here to help please accept our help.

[electric7rocker]

i actually love getting texts because like no one ever texts me :P
if you want my number pm me...