Ugh

[Sapphire]

I am fighting a battle. Oh, how I want to hurt myself! The desire is strong. I must be stronger. But, I am tiring. I am tiring of the battle. I am tiring of my own restricted existence. I am tiring of being a good girl. I want to rest. I want to let my guard down. I want to rest.

Rant over.

[thebadger]

i don't mean to offend you... but surely posts like this don't help you? they just make you think more and more about what you're trying not to do..

[Sapphire]

No, it doesn't make me think about it more. It actually helps sometimes...

[thebadger]

What did you think about when used to cut yourself?

[Sapphire]

Sometimes it was the pain and the blood. Other times it was all the pent up emotions I had.

[thebadger]

were specific events or memories linked with the feelings?

[Sapphire]

Almost every time there was a different event/memory/feeling behind my reason for doing it.
Sometimes disgust with myself. Sometimes anger at myself. Sometimes anger at someone else. Sometimes depression. Sometimes loneliness. Sometimes a desire to die. Sometimes memories of sexual abuse. Sometimes being bullied.

[thebadger]

do you think about those things all the time? or just when you get angry/upset?

[Sapphire]

They come and go.

[thebadger]

if you feel like talking about specifics, you can do the private message thing. do you think that these things are your fault?

[Sapphire]

I don't blame myself.

I just don't want to have to keep fighting myself.

[thebadger]

dont fight yourself, fight the people that left you with these feelings. by controlling yourself and by giving your body the respect it deserves, you take hold of your life, and you show them that you can live your own way, no matter how much they tried to stop you.

[Sapphire]

If I don't fight myself then I will definitely end up going back to the self-harm. I know that isn't good and so I fight the part of me that tells me to self-destruct.

I am taking hold of my life. I'm at university studying for a degree and after this, I am going to do a docorate. I'm not sitting idly. I am being pro-active.

But there is still this part of me which waxes and wanes like the moon and urges me to revert back to the easy road of self-destruction.

[thebadger]

If I don't fight myself then I will definitely end up going back to the self-harm. I know that isn't good and so I fight the part of me that tells me to self-destruct.

I am taking hold of my life. I'm at university studying for a degree and after this, I am going to do a docorate. I'm not sitting idly. I am being pro-active.

But there is still this part of me which waxes and wanes like the moon and urges me to revert back to the easy road of self-destruction.
good luck :) i'm behind you, and so is everyone else here.

[rainebg]

i too am behind you. Ive never been there myself but just focus on your work. It sould keep your mind or everything. :)

[Sapphire]

Thank you both of you. I have been good and stayed strong. It hasn't got easier, but I should be thankful that it hasn't got harder.

[just-me]

i understand and you have already shown great strength in studying as you need even more focus to overcome the under lineing problems.
well done and keep it up. you dont need me telling you that its for the best. you will know that yourself :)