nachtspiegel
November 14th, 2008, 08:53 PM
The last time I had a mental breakdown was six months ago.
It led to a suicide attempt that landed me in a psychiatric hospital for a few weeks.
I started thinking of suicide again within days of being released but I managed to keep the thoughts (and the idea of an attempt at bay.)
For the past two days, even when my mood is relatively cheerful, I've been contemplating suicide.
I'm fighting myself here.
I'm staying with my sister tonight because her boyfriend is in the hospital and she doesn't like being left alone.
I've been contemplating leaving a phone next to her nightstand and then disappearing.
To go back to my other sister's and get all of my pills.
It seems like the perfect solution and I'm not sure I can fight the temptation.
I'm not going to say I have nothing to live for.
Everyone does.
But, I am not afraid to do this.
I have done this before.
Yes, I am selfish.
I know this.
Feel free to tell me, but you're only pointing out the obvious.
My life could be so much worse.
I'm weak.
I've been trying to hold out until December 5th.
Three more weeks.
I'll have help again.
I just want to break way.
I started shaking and hyperventilating.
I managed to get a little control back by taking it a few seconds at a time.
I feel like I'm not in control of myself.
I have all but completely sliced my legs up.
There is no more room on my legs.
I need another place.
My arms are itching for it.
I keep fighting myself, testing myself.
I'm horrible at passing tests.
If I can get through tonight without bleeding or something else
I'll be amazed.
I hate this.
I can't stand feeling peaceful one minute
And ready to end my life the next.
I cannot handle this.
I can't keep doing this.
In times like these, I either disappear
Or I slice on myself until my arms are sore from the movements
And I just try to breathe.
I think I'm having another mental breakdown.
edit: i'm doing everything i can to distract myself but it isn't completely working.
It led to a suicide attempt that landed me in a psychiatric hospital for a few weeks.
I started thinking of suicide again within days of being released but I managed to keep the thoughts (and the idea of an attempt at bay.)
For the past two days, even when my mood is relatively cheerful, I've been contemplating suicide.
I'm fighting myself here.
I'm staying with my sister tonight because her boyfriend is in the hospital and she doesn't like being left alone.
I've been contemplating leaving a phone next to her nightstand and then disappearing.
To go back to my other sister's and get all of my pills.
It seems like the perfect solution and I'm not sure I can fight the temptation.
I'm not going to say I have nothing to live for.
Everyone does.
But, I am not afraid to do this.
I have done this before.
Yes, I am selfish.
I know this.
Feel free to tell me, but you're only pointing out the obvious.
My life could be so much worse.
I'm weak.
I've been trying to hold out until December 5th.
Three more weeks.
I'll have help again.
I just want to break way.
I started shaking and hyperventilating.
I managed to get a little control back by taking it a few seconds at a time.
I feel like I'm not in control of myself.
I have all but completely sliced my legs up.
There is no more room on my legs.
I need another place.
My arms are itching for it.
I keep fighting myself, testing myself.
I'm horrible at passing tests.
If I can get through tonight without bleeding or something else
I'll be amazed.
I hate this.
I can't stand feeling peaceful one minute
And ready to end my life the next.
I cannot handle this.
I can't keep doing this.
In times like these, I either disappear
Or I slice on myself until my arms are sore from the movements
And I just try to breathe.
I think I'm having another mental breakdown.
edit: i'm doing everything i can to distract myself but it isn't completely working.