nachtspiegel
November 14th, 2008, 11:26 AM
I've been wanting to post this for about two weeks, but I keep fighting myself. I keep wondering "what if the people I know face to face find this site? What if they find everything I keep hidden for a reason?" But I think it's about time that I take off my running shoes because I can't keep running forever. If they are to find it, I'll take it for what it is. I figure that I'll lost most of the people that I know, but if that's how it plays out, they weren't worth having, anyway. I have to get this out of my system before I explode.
I told a member on here that I was sure of this about two years ago, and I actually did post about this before on here, but without extensive detail, and only to have it to deleted. From the age of eleven, I started thinking that I was bisexual. I was thirteen when I thought more about it and became a little more sure. I told my sister-in-law that I thought so the day after I overdosed in May, just hours before I was sent to a psychiatric hospital. And, once there, I told one of my roommates about it (over the course of three weeks, I was moved rooms five or six times.)
This didn't start to really become a problem for me until last December. I only had feelings for one person, a female friend of mine. We had already realized that it wasn't going to work between us, but I was alright because it wasn't like I had reason to hide that. In December, I met a guy that I am now really close friends with. We were once closer, but we got into a huge dispute back in September because of some petty reasons and we didn't speak for over a month. It was primarily my fault. I overreacted to a few things, but eventually I apologized to him about it. Anyway, toward the end of December, I started having thoughts about him that I didn't want to entertain. I didn't want him, nor anyone else to know. I figured that if I kept myself distracted, I'd forget about it.
I was wrong. To make the situation even more twisted, he's off and on with a friend of mine. And even more odd, she's in the exact same situation as I am (except she told her friend about her feelings, but I don't have the courage to.) In March, I threw a few hints because I was going through a temporary spell of "say it and not worry about it" but I don't think he ever really caught the hint.
In May, while I was in the hospital, he was arrested for assaulting his father and put into a temporary home while the charges were settled and social services could decide what to do with him. Since I had a little bit of time away from him, I kept trying to forget about him. I had primarily intended not to talk to him again after we both got out of our placements, mainly because I had heard from a friend (the one I just mentioned in the previous paragraph who ended up on the same unit at the same hospital that I was in a week after I got there) that he had hit his father first and was really brutal about it. After I got out, I decided to find out his side of the story, and his mother admitted that it was a mutual fight, but that his father has pressed her into taking his side, so I forgot about not talking to him, and I had almost completely forgotten the underlying reason that I felt I needed to avoid him, hence, the subject of this thread.
I try to avoid him, but it doesn't work. He asks me to come around and I do. I used to do pretty much anything he asked me to, and even though I didn't like being that way, I didn't know how to tell him 'no.' What's even worse is that I'm fighting myself over this because of way that being bisexual, gay, or lesbian is treated by most of my family. My dad, during his usual drunkenness, and when the subject was brought up, would go on about how gays should burn in hell, how they're nasty and immoral. I had never felt that way, and I still don't, but it seems like I can be open-minded except when it comes to myself.
I'm not asking for advice on how to move on from him. No one would expect this from me and if I told anyone, they'd probably ask me three or four times "are you serious?" before finally either responding with a sympathetic reaction or a surprised, and either with pleasant or negative shock. I could count on most anyone to spread rumors - that is why I have not told anyone in my life outside of these forums, and I don't plan to.
Last night, I decided that I was coming on here today to post this and to be open and completely honest. If my life is going to be screwed up again, or if I'm going to be found out and disowned, now is the time for that to happen.
Well, that's it.
I think I can breathe now.
:whoops:
I told a member on here that I was sure of this about two years ago, and I actually did post about this before on here, but without extensive detail, and only to have it to deleted. From the age of eleven, I started thinking that I was bisexual. I was thirteen when I thought more about it and became a little more sure. I told my sister-in-law that I thought so the day after I overdosed in May, just hours before I was sent to a psychiatric hospital. And, once there, I told one of my roommates about it (over the course of three weeks, I was moved rooms five or six times.)
This didn't start to really become a problem for me until last December. I only had feelings for one person, a female friend of mine. We had already realized that it wasn't going to work between us, but I was alright because it wasn't like I had reason to hide that. In December, I met a guy that I am now really close friends with. We were once closer, but we got into a huge dispute back in September because of some petty reasons and we didn't speak for over a month. It was primarily my fault. I overreacted to a few things, but eventually I apologized to him about it. Anyway, toward the end of December, I started having thoughts about him that I didn't want to entertain. I didn't want him, nor anyone else to know. I figured that if I kept myself distracted, I'd forget about it.
I was wrong. To make the situation even more twisted, he's off and on with a friend of mine. And even more odd, she's in the exact same situation as I am (except she told her friend about her feelings, but I don't have the courage to.) In March, I threw a few hints because I was going through a temporary spell of "say it and not worry about it" but I don't think he ever really caught the hint.
In May, while I was in the hospital, he was arrested for assaulting his father and put into a temporary home while the charges were settled and social services could decide what to do with him. Since I had a little bit of time away from him, I kept trying to forget about him. I had primarily intended not to talk to him again after we both got out of our placements, mainly because I had heard from a friend (the one I just mentioned in the previous paragraph who ended up on the same unit at the same hospital that I was in a week after I got there) that he had hit his father first and was really brutal about it. After I got out, I decided to find out his side of the story, and his mother admitted that it was a mutual fight, but that his father has pressed her into taking his side, so I forgot about not talking to him, and I had almost completely forgotten the underlying reason that I felt I needed to avoid him, hence, the subject of this thread.
I try to avoid him, but it doesn't work. He asks me to come around and I do. I used to do pretty much anything he asked me to, and even though I didn't like being that way, I didn't know how to tell him 'no.' What's even worse is that I'm fighting myself over this because of way that being bisexual, gay, or lesbian is treated by most of my family. My dad, during his usual drunkenness, and when the subject was brought up, would go on about how gays should burn in hell, how they're nasty and immoral. I had never felt that way, and I still don't, but it seems like I can be open-minded except when it comes to myself.
I'm not asking for advice on how to move on from him. No one would expect this from me and if I told anyone, they'd probably ask me three or four times "are you serious?" before finally either responding with a sympathetic reaction or a surprised, and either with pleasant or negative shock. I could count on most anyone to spread rumors - that is why I have not told anyone in my life outside of these forums, and I don't plan to.
Last night, I decided that I was coming on here today to post this and to be open and completely honest. If my life is going to be screwed up again, or if I'm going to be found out and disowned, now is the time for that to happen.
Well, that's it.
I think I can breathe now.
:whoops: