I would ask if I was alone

[nachtspiegel]

But I know I'm not alone when it comes to this mindset, I just needed to write about it.
Who all here feels that, no matter what kind of treatment, therapy, medication, or any other way to try to alleviate depression systems, and no matter if some of them work, the element of depression (or, in people that self-harm, such as myself, the element of self-destruction) is always somewhat in mind, no matter how well things seem to be going and no matter how great you feel?
There are several things going on in my life right now that I could use as a "reason" to be depressed, a "reason" to self-harm, a "reason" to justify feeling the way that I do - but, not only do I not use them, but I'm trying to convince myself that I have the right to feel the way that I do regardless of a reason or explanation.
There are a few things that I keep in mind, and I debate this topic to myself every day. I feel like I've always had an element of self-destruction. I almost feel like I was born to be the way I am and that there is no reform for me. Even though I might sound like I'm quoting Freedom Writers, and though I can't remember the quote to it's exactness, the following makes so much sense: "I'm tired of people expecting us to be happy just because we're young. It's almost like they've forgotten what it's like to struggle in our shoes. They don't see the wars we fight every day."
The more I try to convince myself that I don't need a reason to feel the way I do, the more that I feel like I need to have the one and the worse both the depression and the self-harming gets, but it's a mechanism to try and feel better for my past, the mistakes I've made, and the things (relatively minor for some, with a huge impact for others) that I can't seem to get past no matter how hard I try.
I hate to say this, but I think that, unless you have the inner strength to come out of it, which I feel can only be found in a select few, once you embark on the road of depression (in all of it's many forms,) I feel like it's a road without a permanent detour.
Call me Captain Obvious if you want to, but I didn't post this to ask a question. I posted this to try and get other opinions from the place that I trust most.

[just-me]

this makes alot of sense and the part about young people having to be happy all the time i completely agree with. it really anoys me, as if adults either can not remember being our age or really didnt have these problems. but i know when i get older i will refuse to forget these dark days. i couldnt. who knows as you say i may very well still suffer from depression for the rest of my life.
but all in all a great post.

[Eclipse]

i agree with just-me. adults dont remeber the stress of school, problems at home, and trying your best to keep friends? that's bullshit. they expect us to be well-behaved and happy all the time.

[Avalikia]

I identify with a lot of the things you're saying. The older I get the more I realise how different people are when it comes to their reactions to stress, and not only is it hard for them to change this reaction, it seems to be inborn - genetic.

For example, my dad's side of the family is littered with cases of depression. His great uncle even commited suicide. I've noticed that he seems to fight a strong inclination to slow down and ignore the world when he gets stressed, like when there's a deadline at work. When asked he mentions several relatively brief periods where he was struggling with severe depression-like symptoms (but never long enough to qualify for a diagnosis). My mother, on the other hand, comes from a family with many examples of anxiety. Most of her family would just brush it off as worrying too much, but they take it to an extreme - an unhealthy extreme in some cases. Sure enough, my mom is the sort of person who works herself into a frenzy of worry whenever she's stressed. For example, she's gone back to get her master's degree, and every time she has an exam she's convinced that she won't pass but ends up getting something like 95%. And it doesn't matter how many times her worry proves to be unfounded, she still worries just as much the next time if not more. Anyone else I know would have relaxed at least a bit at this point, secure in the knowledge that they're a good student and unlikely to suddenly fail a test.

Naturally, I've been diagnosed with both depression and anxiety. It's not surprising, really, because I obviously have a good chance of having any genes or learned behaviors that would predispose a person to reacting to stress that way. By the same token, I know people who are naturally proactive when they encounter stress, but their family is almost always the same way. However, I'm living proof that you can also learn better ways to react to stress, since I haven't been truly depressed in years and my anxiety is (mostly) under control. My psycologist is still on call if I meet another rough patch, but it's been about a year since I've needed that and I was finally able to discontinue medication last spring.

But although I consider myself to be "cured", the tendancy to become depressed and anxious is still there. When I become stressed I find that I need a little extra time for myself to relax, and there's been several occasions since the last time I was truly depressed that I've gone through a brief "blah" period where I'm not really sad but I have an unusually hard time being happy for awhile. However, all of this is a huge improvement, and I seriously doubt I'll have to deal with a real depression or serious case of anxiety again because I know exactly what to do at the first hint I might be going there again. So while my body still naturally tries to react to stress one way, medication and therapy has given me the tools necessary to redirect things in a positive way and get on with my life.

[just-me]

wow you are quite an insperation avalikia, ive just been diagnosed and the thought of the futur is scary tbh, but with people like you who have come through the other side that give me hope.

[The Air Guitar Man13]

like evereyone else in this thing i agree, our parents are completely oblivious to the masive amounts of emotions we feel every day, they grew up in diffrent times. times when gas was not even a consern and where no one hade a clue what true love is like, i dont understand how they cant relate to the emotions we feel... god i have to stop myself before i go on a complete rant on someone elses thread.