Get Out Of My Head!

[Zephyr]

All weekend.
It's been hanging over me like a heavy gray cloud.
[suicide]

I was intending to slit my wrists last night,
To be honest.
And it's still sitting in my head.

I'm worthless.
I can't cry.
I hurt.

[Θάνατος]

Great poem. Steph we are here just let us help you. I am always here for you.

[robbiehay1]

Hey Steph you've got to be strong, your not worthless you mean a lot to a lot of people online and off.

Why do you feel you need to do this ?, nothing can be solved through it and it only causes pain

[theOperaGhost]

Steph, you are anything but worthless. I bet you have helped so many people here, that you don't even know. You've got to keep strong and fight this, hun.

[Zephyr]

It's not a poem.
It's my thoughts.

I know you guys are here.
But it's all in my head.
It won't go away.
I need my mom in the worst way,
But she's still gone.

[ShatteredWings]

:hug:
If you wanna talk about anything.. just pm me.. kinda same situation at the moment =/
Please, don't kill yourself though... you're not worthless

[DarkWingedAngel]

Exactly what Gwyn said
people care about you
please don't go

[jacknife]

I don't know you at all. I don't know who you are or what kind of a person you are.

But I know that you are valuable. I know that you are strong and full of life. And I know that if you ended your life then you really would become worthless.

Life is valuable. You are valuable. Everything you feel, everything you do, who you are - it all has worth. You just need to affirm it; embrace it; value it. That's all.

I don't know who you are - I don't know you at all; but I know that you should go on living. :) Please don't go. Don't die. Don't make yourself worthless.

Feel free to add me on MSN or AIM if you want to talk.

[Fiending_the_freedom]

i know how you feel,
the worthless feeling, no matter what, no matter how much time passes,
is always with me.

its hard, but you cant give in to the thoughts, thats too easy, your strong enough to get through this, i know you are.

[electric7rocker]

hun imagine if your mom comes home to find youve killed yourself
think what that would do to her
you dont want to do that

and when she does get home, and youre very alive, you can talk to her about it and youll feel better

[jacknife]

ESPECIALLY since you doubt the existence of a god! (I noticed you were in the "Agnostics/Atheists Group").

I am an atheist myself. You MUST affirm your identity as a human being. You must take power and control over your life because there is no one more powerful who will do it for you. If you don't claim your value and your worth, then no one will. It is up to YOU to realize how truly valuable you are.

The fact that you haven't responded to this thread recently worries me a lot. Please reply so we all know you are ok. And please contact me if I can be of any help at all. Thank you.

[Zephyr]

I'm alive.
I've just been driving on the freeway all day,
Singing at the top of my lungs,
Distracting myself.
Drove half way to Seattle,
Turned around and came back.

Everybody, thank you.

jacknife especially,
Thank you.
You don't even know how much I appreciate what you've said.
You make sense.
I think I can hold out until I start therapy tomorrow (Wednesday).

[theOperaGhost]

Glad you're alright. Good luck with therapy. Hope everything goes well for you.

[jacknife]

It means a lot to me to hear you say that, Steph. I'm glad you've survived the night and I hope everything gets better.

[Zephyr]

So... therapy...

Ya.

Just all of the 'getting to know you' mambo jambo.
He didn't have a staring contest with me the entire time like the last bitch I went to like 2 or 3 years ago.
I still can't open up enough though.

The downside: keeps talking about medication :/
Wants to talk with my doctor about adjusting it,
Changing it,
Or giving me a second one to take.

I hate taking meds as it is.

I thought psychologists were supposed to help you,
Not stuff you full of pills like a psychiatrist....

[Θάνατος]

Well that is what I thought too. I kept telling my doctor that the meds were doing now good and she would not listen.

So I quit talking the meds and I feel much better now. I do get depressed more often though but that is part of bipolar.

I got more benefit from talking top a therapists then I did my doctor.

[jacknife]

Steph, it's the whole "psychoanalytic" industry. They make their cash off convincing you how fucked up you are and how they can make you "normal" and "happy" if you'll just take their drugs.

I'm not saying your psychologist is in it for the money - I'm sure he has a great heart and wants nothing more than to help you. But the entire system that he's involved in is geared towards numbing you with drugs. It's an awful system.

You do not need drugs, Steph. My advice to you would be to stop taking the ones your taking now as well. Tell your psychologist, tell your parents, tell whoever wants to drug you, that you refuse to take them.

The kind of drugs they give you are geared towards helping you escape and avoid reality. And by doing so they keep you away from all the value of reality as well. There's supposed to be pain in life; there's supposed to be depression. You're not "weird" for having feelings! Emotions are not "out of the norm."

The fact that numbness is supposedly the norm in society; the fact that mindless happiness is supposed to be normal, tells you not how weird you are, but how nihilistic the rest of society is (nihilistic in Nietzsche's sense of the word, meaning "no value").

The decision, of course, ultimately comes down to you. My outlook on life is very dangerous to some people, because I openly advocate that you embrace your suffering. But, either way, I would highly suggest that you inform your psychologist of your feelings towards drugs. See what he says.

[Zephyr]

I've already been thinking about going off of meds,
Or cutting down,
See what that does for me.

I'm an adult now,
I live out on my own,
So my parents and doctors can't force me to take them anymore.

I've noticed on the days that I miss my doses,
I feel better,
But I'm also more prone to have my mood swings,
Especially mania.
(Bipolar disorder)

The more you take meds,
The more dependent you become on them,
And the more your dose has to be increased.

My next appointment is a ways off though,
December 1st...
So I guess we'll just see how the cards play out.

[Triceratops]

This is EXACTLY how I felt recently (see my post in the "Mental Crisis" forum here --> http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/showthread.php?p=393113#post393113)

I've learnt that I'm not worthless, and no one is. I don't know how long that'll last but this is how I'm feeling now. I've always been so close to suicide myself but there are many things in my life that have held me back from doing so. So remember all the important and precious things in your life because your life is extremely valuable.

I think it would be hypocritical of me to say "don't slit your wrists" because I'm a regular self-harmer. Sometimes are worse than others. I self-harm for comfort, guidance and self-control. I encourage others NOT to start self-harming because it turned me into a mess as once you've started, it's painfully difficult to stop.

Know that there are so many people on VT who are here for you and are willing to help you no matter what :) xxxx