Mixed & Irrational Feelings

[Sapphire]

This has really messed me up.

I was groomed from a young age by a 30-something year old man. Things escalated during that time from talking about sex to me performing fellatio on him. Our relationship was more than that though. We were friends and did things that friends do. We even grew to hold a friendship-based love for one another. We were, on the whole, happy with how things were. I say "on the whole" because after a while I refused to be sexual with him.

Then things turned. He wanted me to let him get in touch with a friend so he could have sex with her. This happened at the same time my therapist was "making me see how things truly were".

Ever since then, I have swung between still experiencing those caring feelings for him and despising him. One day, I will miss him so much that I have to remind myself that he would slam the door in my face if I went to see him. The next day, I'll feel such anger towards him that I have to restrain myself from going and either shout at him, try to hurt him or vandalise his property.

I know that he is/was a paedophile. I know it in my rational mind. I don't, however, feel that it's true. From my standpoint, I am just as responsible as he is because I encouraged him. I never said that I didn't want it to happen.
If I were outside of the situation and looking in on it, then I can see it clearly and my feelings are in line with the truth.

Omg, I am screwed up.

[nachtspiegel]

When you say 'young age,' how young are you talking here? Being that he was thirty-something, not only could what he has done be just immoral, but it is criminal and disgusting, also. Though you maybe not have ever said that you didn't want it to happen, he should've been the responsible party in the situation and thought about his actions. He deserves to be taken off of the street before he does this to anyone else. I don't believe that you're screwed up, and though I've never talked to you, you defenitely seem to hold quite a bit of intellegence and maturity. I would say more, but I'll wait for your reply instead.

[Sapphire]

I was 13 when we started talking. Not too young, but young enough.
This is the only topic where I have trouble feeling that what I am saying (him being a paedophile) is true. The rest of the time I am able to think straight and not feel that its wrong.

[Avalikia]

If you didn't understand the full implications of what was going on at the time, then you can't blame yourself. Even if you did encourage him and didn't say no, it was innocence and ignorance on your part, and that can't be blamed on you. It is the moral responsibility for adults to protect innocent young people from harm and guide them until they understand and can protect themselves. This man violated that so he's completely responsible.

It's natural to have mixed feelings in this situation; he was both very bad and very good to you. It might seem wrong to you to continue to have positive feelings sometimes, but it isn't as long as you recognise that the bad things he did more than outweigh the good things. In time the intensity of these feelings will diminish. Time heals all wounds.

[Sapphire]

That's the thing though, I did understand the full implications. It wasn't ignorance and innocence on my part. I understood it all and I still encouraged it.