Don't know how to keep going.

[xGreenling]

I am so, so tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Everything in me is just drained, dead.

I have to keep going - in the short term, it's five weeks until I can go home for Christmas, and in the long term, I can't move back home until the school year is over. I just don't know how I'm supposed to manage it. I can't just break down and lay where I fall - nobody would help me up, and in the end I'd just make it harder for myself. But I know I don't have the strength to see it out.

There's no way out, no recourse, no reprieve.

I feel like a failure, and a coward, and a pathetic weakling.

...I'm not going to kill myself. I know that this too shall pass, even if it passes in giant fireball visible from space. And I really can't spare the effort. And from the outside this probably looks like a really stupid, pansy thing to be upset about.

I don't want to take antidepressants - I managed to get off them, and coming crawling back eight months later seems so... like I failed. I don't have anything against psychopharmacology - saved my life and all that. I just hate the feeling of being beholden to anything, and the weird half-alive dulled emotions that come with taking them. Plus I have no idea whether the school doctors can prescribe medications, and I wouldn't be able to see a real doctor until Christmas anyway...

tl;dr, I'm frustrated and exhausted and trapped and confused and overwhelmingly depressed and probably in need of a hug that isn't coming any time soon

[Avalikia]

Well the internet isn't very good at transmitting hugs, but I understand how you feel. Perhaps if you don't want to go back to medication you can try counseling instead? I've found that to be just as potent if not more than antidepressants. Or perhaps you have a friend to talk to or someone you can call? Sometimes just telling someone how you feel whether or not they can do anything about it helps simply because you know that someone is aware that you're struggling.

[xGreenling]

No friends, no available therapist, friends and family are eight time zones away - can't afford the long-distance, and I don't get phone reception here anyway.

I probably couldn't go back on antidepressants until Christmas break anyway, since the waiting times to see a doctor are so long, and then I'd have to wait for another appointment to actually get the pills.

I really feel like I'm in a hopeless situation. :(