I'm afraid.

[nachtspiegel]

I hate this.
I hate this.
I hate this.

I did pretty well for a few days before the other night. My cutting is starting to get out of control and my mood swings are so bad that I can't take an insult, even as a joke. I don't show it, but the smallest insults send me on a roller coaster. It's good that I'm not openly sensitive, but I cannot stand this. I have Bi-Polar disorder, PTSD, and Dysthymia. My PTSD symptoms definitely aren't as bad as some people, such as soldiers returning from war, but I have some type of flashback almost every day. My PTSD was triggered by living through years of abuse and witnessing domestic violence. I don't talk to anyone in my real life about these things. I'm tired of certain people belittleing me. I've tried telling my mother several times that I need to get back on some kind of medication to help take the edge off, but my pleas fall on deaf ears. I just keep thinking about it, and some things come to mind. What if I can't function in society because of this? What if I can't keep a job because of the constant mood swings? What if I can't get through school once I start in a few months? What if I end up repeating the same terrible trends that I've been exposed to? I could start working today if I wanted to, and I really need to because things around here are bad and getting worse, but with the state of mind I'm in, I don't know how much longer I'll be able to function at all. Period. I know that 'what if' questions are a huge drag, but you can't spell "life" without 'if.' I just can't get this under control and I'm afraid that one day I'm going to end up taking myself out without trying, or end up hurting someone else. I'm always caught up in something, and I've realized that I've struggled my entire life by being hooked on something. Whether it be random kicks or self harm. It's always something. This whole mess has got me under the water.

I don't know what to do.

[Mr. Smithers]

Have you ever thought about drawing or writing or expressing yourself. I write in my diary everyday and that seems to help. I have a mild case of depression and I have a history of cutting so I know exactly where you are coming from. I am very sorry that you are feeling this way. Is there anything else bothering you?

[byee]

David, it's hard to understand why your mom is against you seeing a doctor. Does she give an explanation? Does she appreciate how much you're hurting? Can you reach her somehow?

I think you shouldnlt get too far ahead of yourself here, the task should be getting to a doctor, talking woth someone regularly and getting abck on the meds. Focus just on that, donlt worry about all those other issues. When you're stabilized on your meds and talking with someone, you;ll be better.

Come up with a plan to get to a doctor. if you cannot impress that need on mom, work on someone else, find someone else to help you, even if it means going into a mental health clinic yourself.

[nachtspiegel]

I'm calling a clinic as soon as I post this. I'm going to pretend to be my dad. (I've done this before in other situations and it's always worked.) Her reasoning, at this point, is because I refuse to go to the doctor I'm assigned to because I'm on state insurance. (I'm allowed to go to a different one if I can get an appointment, it just takes longer.) The doctor I'm assigned to has put me on more than one medicine that caused me to have adverse side effects (nose bleeds and blacking out) and refused to change the dosage. I'm trying to go through the same mental health organization, just a different location. The fucked up part is that I can take myself after the first two sessions! I'm even allowed to go to appointments to update on my medication by myself. I'm just not allowed to go through intake without a guardian.
And, Sam, you're right. I need to take this just one step at a time. If I'm not all the way together, there's no reason that I should trip about what I should be doing if I won't be able to do it for long. I'm just dreading intake because the last time I went through intake (in June) it ended with me going off in front of the therapist because my mom was making up shit.
Fezzie, (I don't know your real name, my bad) I've done it and I should do it again. Writing is one of the only semi-talents that I have and I really should focus on it. Another thing that has been weighing heavily on my mind is my sister's kidney failure. Her kidneys are functioning at 10% and she's on dialysis three times a week. She's already had to have six surgeries to try and put a working dialysis connection in, and they're still having to use a temporary piece that leaves horrible bruising. She doesn't take it very seriously. She skips dialysis like it's that dreaded last period in high school. I'm really worried about her. And even though she's only 28, she's been more of a mother to me than my own mother has. (I don't express that in my real life though. I'd catch horrendous hell for it.)

I apologize for continuing to come here and do this. I've apologized for doing it before, hoping that I'd eventually stop but it's a little difficult to do that.

edit: i go tuesday at 12:00. i got in at the other location.

[byee]

Well, good for you for making that appt., David! I think this is absolutely the right thing for you.

If I can make yet another suggestion? When you go, try to be organized when you discuss your symptoms with the intake worker. Be as precise and concise as possible, which means to hit on the major symptoms you're having right now, the ones that interfere the most. That way, they can most appropriately assess what's going on, and more importantly, which meds to start you on.

If you go in there and talk expansively about everything you're experiencing and worrying about, they're less likely to accurately diagnose you, and therefore put you on a bunch of meds to target all the sx. you're talking of. There's time later on for that. Just start with the depression.

keep me posted.

[nachtspiegel]

I planned on that. I've been having in mind since this morning what I'd tell an intake worker, as an example, if I had to go up there today. I just plan on telling her how my mood swings (and describing them in detail, and what happens when I have them,) are affecting my day to day life. I don't plan to tell her about my environmental factors, just what would be related to being put on medicine. I was against the idea of being on medication before, because I didn't want to have to have a psych med to function, but then I looked at this way: most people are on medicine for something, whether it be diabetes, allergies, asthma, etc. It's not really different, in my opinion. I'm okay with having therapy, but I'm going to avoid family therapy because family sessions have only made things worse. I feel I'd be better working through things by myself. The good thing is, all of the locations have my records. As it turns out, (of course,) they have their records in the computers, so all they have to do is type my name in and they get all of my information from the other location. I plan to. Since the appointment is only a few days away (at the other location, it would've taken me eight weeks or more to be seen,) I'll update this after I see the intake worker.

[nachtspiegel]

My new therapist = <3. That's what I thought about the one I had in late 2005 when I first met her, but I truly feel that I'll be able to work through things with this new one. Her name is Maggie and she's really awesome. I meet my new psych doctor on twelfth of this month, and at that point, I will be back on medicine. I'll be in therapy every Thursday at eleven in the morning. I'm getting it together.

[nachtspiegel]

So, the appointment for my psych doctor got moved to December 5th, and on top of that, it's almost certain that I'll have to go through a mandatory evaluation period to get the medicine, whatever choice it may be. Mandatory evaluation means a period in a psychiatric hospital. I have a lot going on for December and there's no way in hell that I'm going back to the hospital. I'll do PHP but I refuse to go inpatient.

[Fiending_the_freedom]

i'm glad you like your new therapist :)

[nachtspiegel]

Thank you. I hope she's not another backstabbing bitch that tries to get social services involved about things that do not happen anymore and that cannot be changed. I'm just afraid that if I go back to a placement, my mom will actually follow through with her previous threat to sign me over to the state. I'm getting my life together and I don't need to become a ward of the state.
(Although, I wonder if I had become that way years ago if I'd have full blown PTSD.)

[Halibut]

find something else to take out your anger. i find painting writing and drawing help. im not good at painting but it still helps :)

[Buggahh]

To be honest i dont have much faith in therapists after seeing some really horrible ones a few times. I'm glad you like your new therapist just because one was horrible doesnt mean they all will be :). Good Luck.
If you ever need to talk then feel free to pm me.