Fell for my best friend... I need advice

[baseballboy7]

For clarification purposes, I'm a guy and my best friend is a girl.

I'm a sophomore in college and she is a freshman in college. We are at completely different colleges. I never thought I'd fall her, not in a million years. Well, that changed over the summer. I spent everyday with her it seemed like and honestly, I fell for her. I couldn't help it and it made me so mad. Well, in August, I admitted to her that I fell for her. At first, it was awkward as hell. She said, "I don't know what to say." She made me feel a little less guilty when she told me how she used to like me, which I already knew, but it made me feel better. At the end of the night, she ended it by saying "I love you," like she does every night.

I won't see her until we are both home for winter break (we aren't going home for Thanksgiving), but man, talking with her each day, my mind goes into more and more confusion! Usually if I regret falling for a girl, I'll just kind of "cut her out." However, this is my best friend... not just an ordinary girl. Cutting her out of my life isn't an option.

The worst part, is she has me waiting because:
1.) She gets mad when there's another girl in my life. Why? She just gets really jealous and it makes me feel like she expects me to be there in the future for her.
2.) She told me if neither of us were married by 30, that we should get married. Another way to keep me waiting around...

I have a couple of problems. While she gets jealous about girls in my life, making me think there's something there, she's involved with a couple of other guys in her life, also. Her ex-boyfriend of like three years is one of my best friends and they're always on and off. I don't know what to do with that.

It's just a shitty feeling being the "friend" and nothing more. Maybe there is something there on her part. She hasn't openly told me that she doesn't like me, but she hasn't told me that she does.

What should I do? Any advice? Should I find a girl and see how my best friend, Brittany, reacts?

[byee]

I think you and Brittany need to sit down and have a serious talk about your feelings about eachother and see where you both stand. And by that., I mean expectations and clarifications. This 'we should get married at 30' stuff is all fantasy and very seductive, but it's what happens between now and then that you need to discuss and agree on.

She is sending out mixed signals here, and it is understandably difficulty tolerating the ambiguity. Look to clarify that ASAP.

I wouldn't recommend seeing other girls just to see her reaction, that's mean. However, in the absence of any real 'committment' or meeting of the minds, you are free to explore other relationships.

[Halibut]

wow that is tuff. But ya you have the right to see other people and shouldnt worry about her anymore

[baseballboy7]

I think you and Brittany need to sit down and have a serious talk about your feelings about eachother and see where you both stand. And by that., I mean expectations and clarifications. This 'we should get married at 30' stuff is all fantasy and very seductive, but it's what happens between now and then that you need to discuss and agree on.

She is sending out mixed signals here, and it is understandably difficulty tolerating the ambiguity. Look to clarify that ASAP.

I wouldn't recommend seeing other girls just to see her reaction, that's mean. However, in the absence of any real 'committment' or meeting of the minds, you are free to explore other relationships.

If I could sit down face to face with her, I would. However, like I stated, we won't be back home until winter break from college. When we have seriously talked about it, she just states, "You're my best friend and I love you. What can I do to help you stop (liking me)?" Like I said in my first post, she hasn't openly said she doesn't like me. However, she hasn't said she likes me, either. I just don't know. It's impossible to get an answer out of her to see where she stands.

I'm not taking the "getting married at 30" stuff too seriously. However, she is my best friend of five years and just the thought of that whole long term relationship with her is very seductive, as you said.

I look at what I said and you are right, it is not right to anyone if I decide to go out and look for other girls just to see her reaction. However, when another girl does come in my life, Brittany becomes EXTREMELY jealous. Our friendship almost ended because of my last girlfriend. And I hardly have gone after another girl because I'm trying to make myself believe that she'll somehow end up opening up to me because of the jealousy that ensues on her part when another girl comes into my life.

It's just a hard situation... all around. It really tears at me. When I didn't have feelings for her, I just straight up didn't get mad at her about a lot of things. However, since I've fallen for her, I've found myself extremely jealous as well and very sensitive to a lot of things she does. I hate it. How can I deal with that?

Thanks for all of the help for those of you that answered/will answer.

[byee]

I realize you cannot sit down with her immediately, but you will be able to during break, so you might start planning for that chat now. I still think the key here is for you and she to really discuss your feelings about eachother and where you mutually want things to go. Until then, you might do best to live your life where you are, and focus on developing supports and friends there. Whatever happens with 'her' will have to wait until you have that chat and come to some agreement.

Until then, what you've got is the comfort of a friend who you've known for a long time. That's very different than a girl friend, where there are mutually felt feelings, a romantic attachment. Right now, in the absence of that clarification, what she might be exhibiting (and you're experiencing) as 'jealousy' might just be possessiveness, which isn't a sign of 'romantic' love, nor is it terribly helpful for the relationship.

[baseballboy7]

I'm afraid of awkwardness. I talk with other people and they just tell me, "She's your best friend isn't she? You two should be able to talk about things like this." I just don't want her actions to change towards me and if the first time me telling her I fell for her is any indication, I'm in for more of an awkward situation this time... especially if she knows I still like her. We haven't talked about my feelings since the summer when I first admitted it to her.

I'm fine with developing friends and all of that. I have a lot of friends and a lot of support, including her sister, who has been really helpful to me. The struggling part between now and then is going to be going out and finding girls. As much as I want to see if I can move on and leave our friendship where it is, it's so hard. Especially with how jealous she gets about another girl. She gets so mad about it and I'm so used to putting her over another girl. How can I talk to her about that NOW? Should I say something along the lines of, "Hey, you know I'm not going anywhere, but if you were my best friend, you wouldn't be jealous and keep me from pursuing another girl by getting mad."

Is the jealousy coming in as something not to be taken seriously? I've never been the one to get involved in relationships and we both know that. I've never been a fan of commitment and most girls see me as a "player." However, I'm starting to take life more seriously and I think the fact I've stayed away from girls shows maybe I'm starting to look for something a little more serious and since my best friend is the one right in front of me, I fell for her, even though the feelings aren't being given back (to my knowledge).

Where do you think the possessiveness is coming from? Both of us getting jealous about other people in our lives?

[Mr. Smithers]

That could be a possibility. Maybe it is trust issues. I mean, do you trust each other? I really don't think she trusts you at all. For some reason you want to have a relationship with her however, she doesn't trust you one bit and it must be so hard to keep a steady relationship with her. Be honest and she should be honest. Yes she will get jealous. Its normal for her to do that. She is attracted to you and when she even thinks about the sight of you with being with somebody else, its a chain reaction for her to get jealous, angry and all that other stuff. Its time to be faithful and sit down and talk with this person. Come up with an agreement. Stay friends, have a relationship. That means being faithful with her by not being with anybody else unless you do not want to have relations with this woman.

[baseballboy7]

With guys/girls, we do not trust each other.
-She was hooking up with this guy for awhile, but always lied to me about him. When I was with her a couple of times, he called and she always said in a b*thcy manner, "No, I can't hang out... bye." She hung up and I asked, "I thought you said you weren't talking to him anymore?" She always replies, "I'm not." I head off to college and see pictures of the two in the same places. No, not parties, which I would understand. Just those two and a couple other people.
-I don't lie to her about girls that I've hooked up with, but she tends to just get really mad/jealous.

I just think for the the present time, it's going to be impossible for us to have a relationship. Like I said, I'm not sure what she thinks about me, but in my case, just the mere fact she's my best friend and I haven't thought of her like this until recently, it's still weird pondering what it would be like to be with her. I simply can't imagine it. Is that a sign that this probably is not meant to be?

[Indy]

Well with the actual situation, I don't have much help sense I'm a sophmore in high school and never had a girlfriend and having some troubles myself but here's what I have to offer.

I had a major crush on my best friend for a while. The jealousy thing never really happened between us but as for my situation, it was a lot like yours. I didn't know how she felt about me and at times I would actually think of us together. I had major doubts and it felt wierd. It felt impossible and strange to pursue our relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend. I think what you need to do is think positive. Sit down and just think of you two going out or doing something together that you would like to do. If you like the feeling of those thoughts, then think those thoughts. Just think positive.

Also, ask yourself, does she make you happy? Does the jealousy she has get to your head? If the jealousy she has with you around other girls all you can think about, then it may not be meant to be with you and her. I know when I even spoke to my best friend she made me happy. We'd talk online and when she logged on I instantly felt better, thats how happy she made me.

Basiclly you just need to think positive and try not to worry so much or else things may go bad. If you think of all of these doubts then you will attract more of that. If you think positive about her, then you will attract more positive things, and your discussion with her at Christmas time may go how you like.

[baseballboy7]

Well with the actual situation, I don't have much help sense I'm a sophmore in high school and never had a girlfriend and having some troubles myself but here's what I have to offer.

I had a major crush on my best friend for a while. The jealousy thing never really happened between us but as for my situation, it was a lot like yours. I didn't know how she felt about me and at times I would actually think of us together. I had major doubts and it felt wierd. It felt impossible and strange to pursue our relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend. I think what you need to do is think positive. Sit down and just think of you two going out or doing something together that you would like to do. If you like the feeling of those thoughts, then think those thoughts. Just think positive.

Also, ask yourself, does she make you happy? Does the jealousy she has get to your head? If the jealousy she has with you around other girls all you can think about, then it may not be meant to be with you and her. I know when I even spoke to my best friend she made me happy. We'd talk online and when she logged on I instantly felt better, thats how happy she made me.

Basiclly you just need to think positive and try not to worry so much or else things may go bad. If you think of all of these doubts then you will attract more of that. If you think positive about her, then you will attract more positive things, and your discussion with her at Christmas time may go how you like.

She does make me happy. She makes me happier than anyone. I cannot begin to say how happy it makes me when we hang out together. Not because I fell for her, but even before I did, it made me happy. It's because her and I have so much in common that every time we hang out, we have something to do. I talk with her on the phone just about every night before I go to bed and it makes my day worth it. Like you, this is how happy she makes me.

I know if I worry too much, things will go bad and I'm starting to realize that. I was so busy fretting over our friendship the other night, she asked "Are we drifting?" I was too busy worrying about our friendship and me liking her, that I completely forgot the effort she was putting in to make me feel better after I had a couple bad days.

Thanks for the help, bro. I'll try keeping a more positive mind about everything and maybe it'll help me realize her being in my life as a friend is better than nothing and that's may what I want more than a relationship with her, which could ruin the actual friendship.