mystiquemae
October 28th, 2008, 12:36 AM
Hi,
I have a huge dilemma. I need to know if my boyfriend is just plain lazy and uncaring or if he is depressed.
The story: (sorry if this is long)
We have been in a relationship for about 2 years and 2 months. We started our relationship about a month and a half into freshman year of college and have been inseparable since. The first 9 months was just pure bliss and we fell in love (or at least I think love, it could just be infatuation; I'm not sure).
The turning point was at the end of our spring semester when he told me some horrible news: He was not coming back to our university in the fall because he had failed the semester. I was shocked. I didn't know that he was doing so badly in school because he had never talked to me about his problems. Anyways, he explained the whole story of why he did so badly in school and I made him talk to his counselor, who helped him remain at our university.
Actually, the turning point was before this. It started in the middle of our freshman spring semester. He started playing Starcraft (a computer game) with his roommate. When we started our relationship, he never played any computer games. He spent all his spare time with me. All of a sudden, he just started playing. He would play for hours. I confronted him about the situation and he stopped playing so much, but there was something wrong. He was acting differently; kind of withdrawn.
After the whole failing school thing, we actually talked about something important for once. He told me that he needed me, that I was his encouragement because his dad made him feel like a total failure. I encouraged him to be a better student. I told him how to be a better student.
About a year into our relationship, I started to get on to him about being more romantic. In the beginning of our relationship, we were both hesitant about holding hands and hugging, especially in public, because I am not the type of person to display my affection to another in public. He was not either or at least that's what I think. After a while though, I started to notice that he hardly ever took my hand while we were walking together or sitting together, etc. and he hardly every just decided to hug me or kiss me out of the blue. In fact, I can only remember about 5 instances in our whole relationship where he spontaneously gave me a hug or kiss or took my hand, and I have a pretty darn good memory.
Anyways, I confronted him with my feelings about this subject, and he said he would try to be more romantic. He never tried. Or at least, that's what I felt, because he hasn't done anything romantic for me since I first talked to him about it.
When our sophomore year started, he started playing Starcraft again, but this time, he started playing it a lot more often. He would spend hours each day playing the game. When I confronted him about it, he said he would cut back. He would cut back for about a week or two and then go back into the pattern of playing for more than 6 hours a day.
His grades went up but not by much. He doesn't try very hard. His idea of a good grade is a B. My idea of trying would be to aim for an A.
As time progressed, I got more and more frustrated with his computer game playing and his lack of romantic gestures towards me. It got to the point where I threatened to break up with him. (I feel now that maybe I was too harsh)
Well, the cycle of me getting upset with me, him being better for about a week or two, and then him going back to playing hours of computer games is still going on today. I think it's just getting worse.
When we talk about our relationship, he says that I need to be more social (he thinks that we don't have fun with people because I am anti social). I say that if he wants to hang out with people, he can, but he says he can't because I won't let him (which is definitely not true). I tell him that if he wants to spend time with friends then he should make plans to. The truth though, is that he does not make plans with friends; I make plans with friends and he comes along. He does not make the effort to make plans with his friends. So, really, am I the anti social one?
About two months ago, he broke up with me, which was very unexpected because I thought he was in love with me. His reasons were this:
1. He has fallen out of love with me.
2. He thinks we are incompatible because I have stronger feelings for him that he has for me.
He thinks he has fallen out of love with me because he is not natural at being romantic. But who said someone has to be natural at being romantic? He thinks that he's not in love with me because he doesn't just spontaneously kiss me, hug me, or take my hand.
He thinks I have stronger feelings for him because I do spontaneously kiss him, hug him, or take his hand. And he thinks this makes us incompatible because we are on different levels of feelings for each other.
The break up only lasted about a day. We got back together the next day after talking and some crying (yes, we both cried).
Of course I had to ask him these questions:
1. Do you have feelings for someone else? His answer: No.
2. Are you scared of commitment, meaning do you feel nervous when we talk about marriage (yes, we talk about marriage)? His answer: No.
3. Do you like me? His answer: Yes.
4. How much do you like me? His answer: A lot.
5. Do you still have feelings for me? His answer: Yes.
Basically, he thinks he's in love with me but not in love with me. In essence, he cares for me deeply, but he is not passionate about me.
So, my questions are:
Is he not passionate about me because he is depressed?
Or is he just lazy and uncaring?
Let me give some more information about his personality:
He is quite shy. He doesn't talk much around people, not even around me. He is closed off; he doesn't like to share his feelings, even to me. He feels like a failure in his dad's eyes. He feels like he's a failure academically. When I asked him to rate himself as a boyfriend (1 - 10, 10 being the best), he rated himself a 3. He rated me as a girlfriend at 10. He enjoys the company of groups, but he doesn't talk much in the group. He is very nice and has good manners (he opens doors for girls always, he carries all the groceries, etc.); he is taught to do that by his parents. He has a pretty low self-esteem about his body. He never yells or gets angry although he gets frustrated easily. Basically, his personality is a flat line with not much ups or downs. He gives up easily. If he doesn't get something, he doesn't fight for it, he just gives up, even if he is upset about it.
My best friend thinks that he is depressed. Her ex-boyfriend was diagnosed as depressed and he used to play computer games for hours a day and he was not succeeding academically (he dropped out of school).
I have talked to my boyfriend about him being depressed. He agrees that he might be depressed, but he refuses to take any action regarding it, such as going to see a counselor/psychologist. He refuses to talk to any of his friends or family about his possible depression.
I really need help with this because I am contemplating ending our relationship for good. I feel that if he is just lazy and uncaring, then he doesn't deserve me. I deserved to be appreciated, not just someone who happens to be in the same room as him. But, if he is depressed, I want to be able to help him. I really care about him and believe that if he is depressed, I can help him get past it and we can grow even closer and actually develop a true love, not just an infatuation.
Please give me some advice and sorry it is such a long read!
Thanks
I have a huge dilemma. I need to know if my boyfriend is just plain lazy and uncaring or if he is depressed.
The story: (sorry if this is long)
We have been in a relationship for about 2 years and 2 months. We started our relationship about a month and a half into freshman year of college and have been inseparable since. The first 9 months was just pure bliss and we fell in love (or at least I think love, it could just be infatuation; I'm not sure).
The turning point was at the end of our spring semester when he told me some horrible news: He was not coming back to our university in the fall because he had failed the semester. I was shocked. I didn't know that he was doing so badly in school because he had never talked to me about his problems. Anyways, he explained the whole story of why he did so badly in school and I made him talk to his counselor, who helped him remain at our university.
Actually, the turning point was before this. It started in the middle of our freshman spring semester. He started playing Starcraft (a computer game) with his roommate. When we started our relationship, he never played any computer games. He spent all his spare time with me. All of a sudden, he just started playing. He would play for hours. I confronted him about the situation and he stopped playing so much, but there was something wrong. He was acting differently; kind of withdrawn.
After the whole failing school thing, we actually talked about something important for once. He told me that he needed me, that I was his encouragement because his dad made him feel like a total failure. I encouraged him to be a better student. I told him how to be a better student.
About a year into our relationship, I started to get on to him about being more romantic. In the beginning of our relationship, we were both hesitant about holding hands and hugging, especially in public, because I am not the type of person to display my affection to another in public. He was not either or at least that's what I think. After a while though, I started to notice that he hardly ever took my hand while we were walking together or sitting together, etc. and he hardly every just decided to hug me or kiss me out of the blue. In fact, I can only remember about 5 instances in our whole relationship where he spontaneously gave me a hug or kiss or took my hand, and I have a pretty darn good memory.
Anyways, I confronted him with my feelings about this subject, and he said he would try to be more romantic. He never tried. Or at least, that's what I felt, because he hasn't done anything romantic for me since I first talked to him about it.
When our sophomore year started, he started playing Starcraft again, but this time, he started playing it a lot more often. He would spend hours each day playing the game. When I confronted him about it, he said he would cut back. He would cut back for about a week or two and then go back into the pattern of playing for more than 6 hours a day.
His grades went up but not by much. He doesn't try very hard. His idea of a good grade is a B. My idea of trying would be to aim for an A.
As time progressed, I got more and more frustrated with his computer game playing and his lack of romantic gestures towards me. It got to the point where I threatened to break up with him. (I feel now that maybe I was too harsh)
Well, the cycle of me getting upset with me, him being better for about a week or two, and then him going back to playing hours of computer games is still going on today. I think it's just getting worse.
When we talk about our relationship, he says that I need to be more social (he thinks that we don't have fun with people because I am anti social). I say that if he wants to hang out with people, he can, but he says he can't because I won't let him (which is definitely not true). I tell him that if he wants to spend time with friends then he should make plans to. The truth though, is that he does not make plans with friends; I make plans with friends and he comes along. He does not make the effort to make plans with his friends. So, really, am I the anti social one?
About two months ago, he broke up with me, which was very unexpected because I thought he was in love with me. His reasons were this:
1. He has fallen out of love with me.
2. He thinks we are incompatible because I have stronger feelings for him that he has for me.
He thinks he has fallen out of love with me because he is not natural at being romantic. But who said someone has to be natural at being romantic? He thinks that he's not in love with me because he doesn't just spontaneously kiss me, hug me, or take my hand.
He thinks I have stronger feelings for him because I do spontaneously kiss him, hug him, or take his hand. And he thinks this makes us incompatible because we are on different levels of feelings for each other.
The break up only lasted about a day. We got back together the next day after talking and some crying (yes, we both cried).
Of course I had to ask him these questions:
1. Do you have feelings for someone else? His answer: No.
2. Are you scared of commitment, meaning do you feel nervous when we talk about marriage (yes, we talk about marriage)? His answer: No.
3. Do you like me? His answer: Yes.
4. How much do you like me? His answer: A lot.
5. Do you still have feelings for me? His answer: Yes.
Basically, he thinks he's in love with me but not in love with me. In essence, he cares for me deeply, but he is not passionate about me.
So, my questions are:
Is he not passionate about me because he is depressed?
Or is he just lazy and uncaring?
Let me give some more information about his personality:
He is quite shy. He doesn't talk much around people, not even around me. He is closed off; he doesn't like to share his feelings, even to me. He feels like a failure in his dad's eyes. He feels like he's a failure academically. When I asked him to rate himself as a boyfriend (1 - 10, 10 being the best), he rated himself a 3. He rated me as a girlfriend at 10. He enjoys the company of groups, but he doesn't talk much in the group. He is very nice and has good manners (he opens doors for girls always, he carries all the groceries, etc.); he is taught to do that by his parents. He has a pretty low self-esteem about his body. He never yells or gets angry although he gets frustrated easily. Basically, his personality is a flat line with not much ups or downs. He gives up easily. If he doesn't get something, he doesn't fight for it, he just gives up, even if he is upset about it.
My best friend thinks that he is depressed. Her ex-boyfriend was diagnosed as depressed and he used to play computer games for hours a day and he was not succeeding academically (he dropped out of school).
I have talked to my boyfriend about him being depressed. He agrees that he might be depressed, but he refuses to take any action regarding it, such as going to see a counselor/psychologist. He refuses to talk to any of his friends or family about his possible depression.
I really need help with this because I am contemplating ending our relationship for good. I feel that if he is just lazy and uncaring, then he doesn't deserve me. I deserved to be appreciated, not just someone who happens to be in the same room as him. But, if he is depressed, I want to be able to help him. I really care about him and believe that if he is depressed, I can help him get past it and we can grow even closer and actually develop a true love, not just an infatuation.
Please give me some advice and sorry it is such a long read!
Thanks