Ouch.

[Fiending_the_freedom]

I feel terible.

when me and brendan broke up for a couple months last time we broke up, i started "seeing" this guy i realllllly liked, and was going to ask out.

any way, he's always an ass to me whenever i am at the same place as him, like i guess were friends but hes the kind of asshole to me where he just gives me a hard time.

well at a party, laila (my bestfriend, whos living with me)

went home with him and slept there.

i knew this, and asked her about it and she lied and said she slept at home.

i let it slide, give her a chance to tell me.

Another party last night,

we all crashed there.

she slept once again with him.



It feels exactly like a kick in the stomach to be honest.

I liked him so much.



i confronted her about it,

she said she lied because she was scared.

she said they haven't kissed or anything.

and that they've talked a lot and hes not the person she thought he was.



that hurt a LOT.

yea he wasn't the person i thought he was either.

opposite form what she thinks.

i thought he was nice.

and then after we stopped dealing and i went back out with brendan,

he started being an ass to me, even though he was the one who was playing me.




I have so much to write but i dont feel like ranting. it just gets me more upset. But of course i'm going to rant anyway.

honestly, she doesnt know how much this is hurting me.

I'm having trouble breathing right now.

Its been a while since my last panic attack.

i dont want to have one, im trying to breath slowly.

but im panicking.

im nervous, anxious, i can't control the worry.

i don't know what to do with myself.

the point is,

literally, feels like i got kicked in the stomach.

now shes gone off to smoke a joint with our friend and the guy.

she tried to convince me to come,

i told her im not going to put myself in that situation, and that im already anxious.

so now i get to sit home, alone, crying and trying to catch my breath.

I"ll be honest with you,

After my dad goes to bed i'm going to look for him wine stash.

i fucking hope to god he has some.

but i dont think he does.

and im starting to have trouble breathing again now that i'm thinking about the fact that i might not be about to intoxicate myself tonight.

i need to.

i NEED to.

otherwise my mind is going to break.

oh fuck i don't know what to do.

[nachtspiegel]

I defenitely bet that it hurts to know what Laila did, but I think that the way that you're responding says that you really have a problem here. For tonight, you need to stay safe. If there's someone that you can call on to come sit with you or that can come get you and keep you company, it'd be best if you did. Stay safe.

[Fiending_the_freedom]

great. i heard from one of my friends that he was talking about how he really liked her.
I think there going to get fully involved.
this is going to destroy our friend ship, because i'm not going to hang out with her and him together.
this is fucked. and i cant talk to ANYONE about it because no one knew that me and the guy have ever been involved except my best friend.
shes hurting me so much, its so unfair, i liked him so much, i was going to ask him out, but then i realized he was playing me.
....
i feel so alone.

[nachtspiegel]

Is there anyone that you can bring him up to? Someone that doesn't know about the situation but that you can open up to about things? Life has it's problems, but you can't hope to fix it if you don't start speaking up for yourself.