I'm trapped.

[nachtspiegel]

Growing up, I went through just about every form of abuse possible, and even though it could've been a lot worse, I am still left affected. I was physically and emotionally abused by my father (and, somewhat physically abused by my older brother), emotionally abused by my mother, and sexually abused by someone who I'd rather not give specifics about. The problem I'm having, as far as feeling "trapped" is concerned is that I still try to convince myself that none of it happened. I try to convince myself that I'm just imaging everything. When I'm down to earth, I don't fight it, but when I'm going through a manic phase, I try to block out everything. I am consumed by guilt, especially when I'm around my parents. When I was hospitalized in May, I told my social worker about my dad, and the sexual abuse with the other person. The emotional abuse from my mother is harder to clear-cut define, that's why I never brought it up. My father has his good days; he's an alcoholic, but he hasn't drunk as much recently because he both cannot afford it and cannot tolerate as much as he used to because he had half of his stomach removed in April. On the good days, when he's nice and agreeable, I feel terrible for remembering, and even worse for telling my social worker about it. The same thing with my mother, because she has been treating me better recently. I feel bad about telling my friends about how she kicked me out in February. She's not a terrible person, she just struggles because she had depression, she's been through a handful of traumatic experiences and I think that she may also be Bi-Polar, even though she refuses to seek treatment. I've been back around the person that sexually abused me. I am no longer at risk, and haven't been for years. My memories aren't too awful clear, but over the past three years, I've remembered a little more at a time. The abuser is an alcoholic, so drunk all the time that he sometimes doesn't remember what happened the day before. The only people in the world that know are my mother, and my previous social worker, therapist, and doctor (none of whom I see anymore.) Last night was really difficult because I was consumed by guilt. In a setting where everything seems better, why am I consumed by feelings of guilt? Why can't I just pretend it never happened and live a normal life?

The main thing I'm looking for is a little insight, and maybe someone whose been through similar experiences and possibly reacts the same way.
(After the main discussion of this thread is done, I'd like for this to be deleted. I know it diminishes the contribution to the forum, but I've already caught my sister looking through VT two times...)

[just-me]

i think the main issue here is that you think the way out is tryin to imagine that it never happened. this is near impossible. you need to know that none of it was your fault, you did nothing wrong, its that u need to concentrate on and not pretending that it never happened. i hope this has been some help

[byee]

Well, I can understand your desire to 'forget' all that's happened to you, it must have been awful. One of the ways of dealing with really dreadful stuff is to block it out (or at least to try to do so). As you're seeing, it's not so easy, nor is it particularly a good way to deal with it and be rid of it.

Maybe your guilt is caused by the recognition of all those memories of the bad stuff and the bad feelings that remain. Perhaps there's a part of you that gets in touch with it all, feels it, identifies the causes, then feels guilty b/c you think you're not supposed to be angry at your parents? Guilt is usually caused by a recognition that we're experiencing/doing something we believe we shouldn't. You believe you shouldn't have these negative feelings towards them, which causes the guilt.

But, it's Ok to have these feelings, and maybe more importantly, there's not much you can do about having them. You cannot effectively 'turn off' your emotions anymore thn you can change the color of your eyes, it's just a biological event beyond our control. Instead of denying the horrors of the past, maybe you'd do better to find another therapist to sit down with regularly and deal with them, address them by talking and getting it out and learning new ways of dealing with the memories and the feelings they created. That way, you can finally move beyond where you are now, to a better place where the feelings are out, and you;re done with the effects of your childhood.

[Hyper]

Your not guilty of anything

But why do you feel guilty.. Well thats sort of hard to explain I can't find the words in my vocabulary right now but its completly normal to a certian degree

Why can't you forget and live on? Well because you can never truly forget anything that really hurt you, the only thing you can do is accept & forgive, then you can really move on

Thats all I've got for you David straight forward I think your a tough person to have come this far and I think you can make nearly anything work for you if you try enough

[nachtspiegel]

Another factor that adds to the guilt is the fact that I maintain these feelings when there are children that are still being beaten, raped, and that are starving and living through all kinds of terrible events. I have survived. I'm supposed to be one of the lucky ones.

IAMSAM: (I would call you Sam, but your name reminds me of "Green Eggs and Ham" by Dr. Seuss - I don't want to call you out of tone.) I feel guilty because they've gotten better and easier to deal with. They still deny everything that ever happened, but in the past few months, I haven't had any more feelings or a notion that things are going to go to to hell tomorrow, or that I'm going to get thrown out again.

Fred: I'm tough, but I know people that are far ahead of me in that area. I'm one of those people that can stand in the storm for a long time, but eventually get weathered and aren't completely all together in the long run.
And, by the way, I haven't talked to you in ages - how are you?

[byee]

(You're not the only one with the 'Green eggs and ham' thingy, I suppose it goes with the territory. But I like my name, and I always liked Dr. Suess, so feel free to call me Sam.).

There's no doubt that there are others out there that are very sadly continuing to experience abuse and neglect, and unlike many, you can appreciate and identify with their pain. However, the fact that yours is mercifully over does not take away from the horror of what you went thru and how it affected you.. You have a right to feel badly, even about things that happened many years ago. And, until you deal with the stuff that happened, David, it will continue to feel bad, and will probably stay with you. Don't focus on others, take care of yourself.

[Hyper]

I have no clue David

But.. I stick by what I said. And heh if your Father & Mother act like nothing has happened they feel guilty too and are trying to move on