I'm having a rough night.

[Avalikia]

I don't know why exactly, but I starting to have very anxious thoughts about driving again. Even though I'm 19 I don't have my license yet because not only was 16 a difficult time in my life without that adding to things, but I tend to quickly get anxious when I'm behind the wheel and have gotten to the point where I know I'm risking triggering another stress-induced panic attack (I'm good at those). The reason for this is because I've always been extremely klutzy and I don't trust myself to be in control of a two ton vehicle at any speed. I'm so afraid that I'll hurt somebody. It doesn't help that my only choices to practice with are a truck or an SUV. It also doesn't help that the only one that can take me driving is my dad, and he tends to overreact. (My mom has absolutely refused to take me or any of my other siblings out driving because she doesn't like anyone driving her around, let alone an inexperience driver.) But my dad is a very busy with work all the time and makes me come to him and negotiate when we're going out, something that's really difficult for me to even think about going through when my anxiety over the whole thing makes me reluctant to go out in the first place. The last time was over two months ago - and it ended with me running into a post (it was at slow speed and the damage was almost completely cosmetic, but still).

The thing is, I need to learn how to drive. I live in a suburban area and I ride the bus, but the bus system is extremely limited around here. I working on becoming a dog trainer (because I'd be really, really good at that), but the only good places I can go to learn are in the next county over and I'll need to take a dog with me so the bus isn't an option. Eventually I'll need to be able to visit clients in their homes to work with their dogs, and obviously I'll need to be able to drive to do that. But right now I'm just not sure that I'll ever be able to conquer this fear, even though it's extremely important that I do. Sometimes I feel like I'm not getting enough support from my parents. But I'm 19, I'm practically an adult now, and I shouldn't need this much help when they're already this busy. Wanting more help makes me feel really, really needy. And not being able to drive is effecting everything else; getting a better job, relationships, etc. I feel like my entire life has just stalled because of this. And I just can't stop rolling these thoughts over and over again in my mind.

[Random_oso06]

that sucks i know a way reduce stress is go to a relaxing place and play with your dog then ask a family member to help you drive like your aunt or uncle

[Soccer Dude88]

I Sort of know how you feel. I When I turn 14 (i'm 13) my dad is gonna let me drive his SUV but i'm nervous i'l slip up and get hurt

[Avalikia]

Another family member isn't an option - my older siblings have moved out and are in college so they don't have any more time than my parents, and the nearest member of my extended family lives 2 hours away. I do take the dog to the park almost everyday (she's actually my mom's, I don't have my own dog yet) to work with her on distraction training (she has the attention span of a goldfish anywhere but the backyard right now) but we play too so that's relaxing. Trouble is, all the relaxing in the world doesn't help me when I get behind the wheel. I'm able to remain relatively calm if we're in a big area with no other vehicles or obsticles and we're going slowly, but anything more than that and my heart starts racing, I get tunnel vision, and I can't think clearly. Or at least, that's how it was last time. It might be worse now thanks to the whole incident with the post.

[byee]

Hmmm.......it's intersting to me that you obviously have the self confidence to work effectively with dogs, which are relatively unpredicatble, yet you don't trust yourself with a machine. Clearly, if you have the confidence to work with animals then you have the confidence and ability to operate a car! So, if you can use those dog related abilities, if you can access them and use them when you're behind the wheel you might be able to overcome whatever anxiety is distracting you.

The other thoughts I had was 1) medication, there's effective meds out there which should work effectively on your anxiety. Sure, you can talk about this and get some therapy (always a good idea), but with something really essential to modern life, like driving, maybe going for the quick cure is the best way to go. I'm not sure if you're in therapy or on meds, but consider both. Unlike other issues that people consider treatment for (including medication), one of the determinants is the impact the symptoms are having on life, and therefore the importance of eliminating them ASAP. Meds will probably do that.

Second, is the idea of going to driving school. There's something about family members and driving instruction that often don't mix. There's this skill that needs to be learned, but imbedded in that instruction is the normal anxiety of learning a new skill (esp. one with some risk), as well as whatever family dynamic/issues that get played out in that situation. Not the best environment for learning! A professional driving school eliminates a lot of the tension, consider enrolling. And, most auto insurnce policies here in the USA offer a reduction for those who effectively complete one, so they really pay for themselves.

[Avalikia]

Lol, well the reason I can work with dogs so well is because they aren't unpredictable to me. They usually send a lot of very clear signals of what they're thinking about, how they feel, and what they're going to do next if you know how to read them. This is in direct contrast with how I feel about people, who I find to be very erratic. The car I find rather unpredictable, because I just don't feel like I'm in control of it while I'm driving and I never know if I'll do the right thing when I need to (e.g. I ran onto that post by hitting the gas when I should have hit the brake).

To put it another way, I used to ride horses. I was much more comfortable with this than I am with driving because I wasn't completely responsible. A horse won't run into a wall if you accidently tell it to; a car would. They also avoid any obsticle that suddenly comes in their path automatically. Sure the horse may freak out and is unpredictable that way, but even then the horse has enough sense to avoid running into things. Horses (or at least the ones I rode) are also lazy; if you want to go fast you have to work for it, so it's really hard to go faster than you intend to. Cars don't have that nice feature.

My fear that I won't be able to ever learn how to drive actually has two sources. First, there's the fear I won't be able to get over my fear of driving in general. Secondly, sometimes I'm not sure that I'll ever physically be able to do it; I'm a very, very uncoordinated person. It takes me about ten times the amount of practice to learn a physical skill as anyone I've ever met, and even then I'm usually not as good at it. So part of me is worried that I'll conquer my general fear of driving (which I'm pretty sure I'll be able to do eventually) only to discover that I physically can't do it well enough to be safe. I argue this point with myself all the time: If I can learn to ride a horse I can learn to drive a car. But I wasn't particularily good at riding the horse, was I? But I can ride a bicycle just fine. But I've had fifteen years of practice and it's a lot less complicated than a car. But I'm good at a lot of things I've had a lot of practice with. But we're talking years of practice and I'm going to start really needing my license somewhere around nine months from now...

All this aside, I'm actually feeling much better today. The problem hasn't gone away, but I was really tired last night. I'm going to have to start really talking to my parents about this though; I've got to give myself permission to be needy if I really do need the help. And they're awesome people, so at least I have that going for me. I don't know about medication; my fear isn't to the point where I stops me from getting in the car and driving slowly in a "safe" place (like a big, empty parking lot), and I think it will gradually go away as my skills improve. It's the combination of my fear and how difficult my dad is being that's the real problem, and I shouldn't have to go on medication just because my dad is being difficult. Especially if I can convince my mom to guilt him into being more avalible (she's good at that). I might also try to convince her to take me out driving again; I know she'd work with me much better than my dad. If that continues to be a problem I just might have to try a driving school, but money is very tight for both me and my family right now.

[byee]

It's still curious to me that a 2 ton horse is more predictible to you than a machine with an on-off switch! Maybe that's b/c I'm a car guy, IDK. Still, the point is that if you have confidence with one situation then you can develop it with another. Control is control, regardless of the situation. What makes you feel like you're in control is what's inside of you, not the horse or the dog. They don't make you feel confident and in control, you do.
Those abilites are a part of who you are, and for some reasons, they're more available to you with animals then machines.

I think the idea of meds is that the problem isn't your dad (or you, ftm), but rather the need to achieve a goal as quickly and easily as possible. If taking it would facilitate that, if it would make learning to drive easier and quicker and less painful, it's something to consider, without somehow seeing it as a response to some family dynamic.