I don't know...

[Underground_Network]

But I'm slowly slipping into a depressive and suicidal state. I mean, life isn't exactly shit, but just as I was starting to become more outgoing; gaining more friends and hanging out with both my old friends and newly acquired friends more often, life seems to be falling apart. But this time I have no reason for it. Nothing in my life is bad.

Yeah, I've got a lot of work, but its not terribly hard, and I'm used to a big workload (plus, its not like I don't have the time to get it done). I get things done on time, I always get at least a B (though I always want an A), I always try hard when it counts, life's not too terrible. Yeah, my family is strapped for cash (I asked my mom for $10 and she said she didn't have the money, TEN FREAKING DOLLARS), I still don't have that many friends and I'm still shy and, to an extent, anti-social, and my closest friend was arrested and may have fucked up his life permanently, but still, its not as bad as it seems...

I think one of the biggest things is that I feel so alone. I just have no one to talk to, yeah, I have you guys on here, but I've stated multiple times that I need a real person, and this time I don't think I need someone to open up to, I need someone to love, and someone that will love me back. I just need someone who can help me stay comfortable, stay relaxed and content, no matter how bad life gets, and I don't know who that person is, or how to find a person like that. I need someone else for once, I've always been so independent (to an extent), but now I need to lean on someone else's shoulder, but I just don't know who's shoulder to lean on.

I need someone to talk to, not someone online (that includes MSN, AIM, etc.), not a psychologist/psychiatrist/therapist, not a parent/family member, not even one of my current friends; someone I can really open up to, without fear, someone I can feel, someone I can hold, someone that will hold me back. Someone to give me strength, to guide me through the darkest days, someone to help me.

I fear I'm going to die, and, well, its beyond your understanding, its more than just suicidal thoughts. It may be hypochondria, but I think there's something wrong with. My vision is terrible, over the course of maybe a matter of weeks my vision has gone from 20/20 to completely abysmal; I've been having trouble breathing, thinking; I constantly get dizzy and confused, sometimes I feel almost a "high" of sorts, without taking anything/doing anything; sometimes I get really cold, even if its really warm out; and all sorts of other weird things. I'm too afraid my mom won't believe me if I tell her all these things.

I just want to die so bad, I need someone, to guide me through this, whatever this is... :/

[Oblivion]

Don't do anything you might regret.
Because as soon as you do, you know you will regret it.
So don't do it.

Go out there, and find someone that will love you
Ask a girl out, do something
Just get out there and find someone that can help you, since you say we, your parents, nor doctors can.
The only person who can help you right now is yourself.

[Underground_Network]

I know the only person [as of right now] that can help me is myself, but I don't know HOW to help myself... and I don't know if I can...

And I don't think I'll ever kill myself. I'll just want to, and it will fuck my life up even more, and who knows... I wish an angel would just descend from the heavens and land on my doorstep... I need someone, or something, now more than ever... I just don't know who, or what... :/

[Oblivion]

Thats good you decided not to hurt yourself.

Now, you go to school right?
Find someone who you sit by in a class, and start talking to them
Ask them to use their pencil sharpener, or something.
Then take it from there, maybe ask them for help on the homework
Get to know them, and if you like them, ask them out

[Underground_Network]

It just doesn't work that way, not with me... I just can't carry on a conversation; hell, I've become good at starting them, but I just can't continue them. I either bore whoever I'm talking to, bore myself, or run out of things to talk about... With the way I lead my life, I'm not a very interesting person (at least from my perspective)... Though I don't know, I just don't know. I guess I'm a bit used to things happening for me, though I can say I've earned quite a lot of what I have, I just never have tried enough... Maybe I should try harder, but I don't know that these promises I make to myself, are going to turn to be something more than empty ones... :/

[Mzor203]

Adam, maybe it's time to just start putting yourself out on a limb. It seems that your shyness plays a very large part in your predicament here, and I think you have to, if not overcome it, at least break through that barrier for a while.

Tomorrow, if you start out by doing something you wouldn't normally do, even if it isn't that extreme, and just keep raising your confidence. If you can manage to raise your confidence by a bit, then you'll be able to meet new people more easily, and hopefully find someone who can listen to your problems and understand them. That person is out there somewhere, you just have to find them.

Do something crazy next time you go to school. ;)

[Underground_Network]

^^ I've done some pretty crazy shit, mostly because of the people I hang out with, but it hasn't helped raise my confidence, its just caused me to question the morality and justifiability of my actions, whether they're warranted or not, whether I should be going through with what I'm going through with, etc... I've become a much more hypercritical person due to doing crazy things, and now I avoid doing things I deem outlandish or extreme, because I've become afraid of becoming someone I'm not, though I already may be pretending to be something completely different from who I really am. :/ This is so f-ing confusing...

[Mzor203]

I don't mean crazy, illegal stuff, I men something like, go and say hi to someone you don't know. It sounds like that would be something you're not acquainted to.

[Underground_Network]

I know, but I don't know. I know what you're saying, I even know how to do what you're saying, but I don't know that I can get myself to do what you're saying. I constantly tell myself I'm going to do something today that I haven't done before, and maybe one times out of ten I actually go ahead and do it... :/

[Mzor203]

So plan to do it ten times a day, so one of them will succeed.

Just look for any situation where you could possibly put yourself out there, and attempt to take it. I know it's hard, and scary, I have a hard time doing anything like that. But, the more you manage to do it, it should get easier.

[Underground_Network]

I get what you're saying, but the thing is, the reason I most often stray away from doing it is because I fear I'm going to f it up, and I know, I know, I should drop that fear because I'm probably not going to f it up, right? But it seems like every time I do try something like this I DO f it up, and it just doesn't work out like how I envisioned/wished it would have...

[Avalikia]

A lot of what you're saying seems very familiar to me; I've struggled with fears of failure a lot myself. The thing is, a lot of times the fear of something not working out is worse than the actual experience of something not working out. What you need is some perspective; when you're afraid think about why you're afraid and be specific. For example, if you're afraid of saying "Hi" to someone, tell yourself that it isn't just fear in general or even fear of rejection - find the root of your fear; perhaps you're afraid that they'll laugh or give you a weird look. Then ask yourself if the level of fear you are feeling is appropriate for this root cause - it probably isn't. Having someone you don't know laugh at you or give you a weird look isn't so bad; maybe a little uncomfortable, maybe a bad moment, but hardly something that will ruin your entire day. And that's the worst case scenario - it's far more likely that they'll just say "hi" back, nod, wave, or ignore you depending on their mood and personality. When you can tell yourself that even the worst case scenario isn't so bad, then your fears should ease a bit. If you do this all the time and find that your predictions are accurate or even pessimistic, then your fears should ease even more.

[Hyper]

Right Adam I gotta go soon so I'll be quick and not read anything

''Whatever this is''

Its puberty. Don't even try to deny anything its that simple, and its irritating.

Your just depressed because your ahead of your peers and that sucks since you are alone because of that.

But theres nothing else to do but hang on and enjoy what you can :rolleyes:

[Underground_Network]

Hyper, I actually get where you're coming from, I seriously do, and I agree that this is probably partially due to puberty, and the fact that I'm more mature than most of my friends and most people I know, but its also more than that. Shyness is not a part of puberty, plus, I've been this way since I was like five; I've never really made friends on my own, most of the friends I've made have come up to me, not the other way around. And thus I think I've become so involved in thinking on my own that I "overanalyze" things and look too far into them, simply because I have nothing better to do, and to an extent that's how my mind works. I look into things before trying them (for the most part), and thus when I look too far into things, I realize how high the chances of me failing are, and I quit, or I don't attempt what I was going to, thus, 90% of the time I pussy out when I'm going to do something like approach someone and start talking to them. Another thing is that depression runs in my family, my mom has gotten depressed before, even attempted suicide in front of me before (I barely remember it, it was when I was little, and I'm sure she thinks I've forgotten, but I remember)... So I don't know, but I don't want to struggle with depression as far in life as my mom is... Maybe it she didn't start to get depressed till later in her life, but I don't know, its not exactly something I feel like talking to her about... I guess I'm just fucked at this point. Just know that I could never kill myself, but still, sometimes when I get really depressed I act as if I'm dead anyway and just make my life worse... Sorry for not separating this into paragraphs, but I can't really think at the moment... :/

[Avalikia]

Well a huge part of the problem is that it's not only hard for a shy person to make friends, it's also hard for a depressed person to make or keep friends. Since you're both right now, it's no wonder you're lonely.

I went through a similar situation myself several years ago, and for me pets were the answer. I mean, I dunno if you like animals, but since they aren't as needy as people they don't expect much of you they can ease a lot of loneliness when you're having a hard time putting as much into a friendship as people expect. It doesn't replace human companionship, of course, but it is easier and can help you through a rough time. It doesn't even have to be your pet; most dogs aren't walked nearly enough and you could offer to walk someone's dog for free, or you could volunteer somewhere with animals.

If you don't like animals... well I don't know what to say because I only know what worked for me. Even so, try to keep reminding yourself that depression is temporary.

[Hyper]

Hyper, I actually get where you're coming from, I seriously do, and I agree that this is probably partially due to puberty, and the fact that I'm more mature than most of my friends and most people I know, but its also more than that. Shyness is not a part of puberty, plus, I've been this way since I was like five; I've never really made friends on my own, most of the friends I've made have come up to me, not the other way around. And thus I think I've become so involved in thinking on my own that I "overanalyze" things and look too far into them, simply because I have nothing better to do, and to an extent that's how my mind works. I look into things before trying them (for the most part), and thus when I look too far into things, I realize how high the chances of me failing are, and I quit, or I don't attempt what I was going to, thus, 90% of the time I pussy out when I'm going to do something like approach someone and start talking to them. Another thing is that depression runs in my family, my mom has gotten depressed before, even attempted suicide in front of me before (I barely remember it, it was when I was little, and I'm sure she thinks I've forgotten, but I remember)... So I don't know, but I don't want to struggle with depression as far in life as my mom is... Maybe it she didn't start to get depressed till later in her life, but I don't know, its not exactly something I feel like talking to her about... I guess I'm just fucked at this point. Just know that I could never kill myself, but still, sometimes when I get really depressed I act as if I'm dead anyway and just make my life worse... Sorry for not separating this into paragraphs, but I can't really think at the moment... :/


So you just answered your own problem. Puberty plays a big part but yes its a part of your ''nature'' but behaivour is controllable and changeable, and doing that is a part of maturing up

If it makes you feel any better pretty much everything you've posted here reminds me of an exact copy of myself a few years ago