on the edge.

[Fiending_the_freedom]

I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

The last two months, my depression has just gotten so bad, it actually reminds me of what was going on with me during grade nine. its really effecting my school, my work, my friends and my relationship with my boyfriend.



I know, i know, it's my own fault for letting it get this bad, i'm just not strong enough right now to deal with all this.



its hard enough to keep fighting the urges to not get drunk every time i'm stressed, or cut, or use drugs.

let alone dealing with the judgment from friends.



i dont want to be depressed anymore. its not fair. its been 5 years of ups and downs that most of the time i can't control because my brain wont let me be happy.



It was a lot easier though, in grade 9, because i could sleep for days, or use for days or cut for days without any judgment or anything from anyone, because i didn't have more than like 3 friends.

and now, i've got to make it look like i'm trying my best to fight this, but hell i know i'm not, because i'm so weak from doing this for so long, i dont want to anymore.



i don't know what to say anymore.

i have no coping methods that work for me.

[Avalikia]

Well first of all, I have to applaud you for resisting drugs, cutting, etc. It's really, really hard to give up unhealthy and ineffective coping strategies when you've used them in the past.

Secondly, I wanted to ask if you've ever talked to a psycologist? The reason I ask is because I have several very good coping strategies (that I doubt I'd be able to teach over the internet) I learned from the psycologists I've been to over the years. It's gotten to the point where I haven't been truly depressed for about five years now - though I occasionally get into a depressive funk that I can head off with a great deal of effort but very little outside help. If you haven't talked to a psycologist, I don't know if it's something you'd try or not, but I can highly recommend it. I dunno how I'd be alive today without that.

[thesphinx]

I'm sorry Tegan, I thought you were doing better? did something happen? weren't you going to get on some new Anti-depressants soon or something?
PLEASE don't give in to the drugs now your doing so good don't waste all that time and effort just to get drunk or something!
All I can say is keep going with your daily routine and don't do the drugs and hopefully you will start feeling better.
Sorry your feeling so terrible :hug:

[Hyper]

Well Tegan I hope you didn't do anything bad

Cutting or drinking will make you feel crap anyway.

I don't know how it is for you but just hang on. There is something for everyone its just hard to find sometimes

Theres no sense in putting yourself back

You said it yourself ''its your own fault'' I wouldn't put it that badly. But what I will say is that the power to really change anything about ourselves is only open to us alone.

You definately want to change, but wanting something and sticking through with it is hard, especially if you are trying to achieve something meaningful..

But usually the results of a hard challenge are always much sweeter than those of an easy challenge