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foof1
October 7th, 2008, 01:29 AM
We had to do this for school and I was wondering what you guys thought. So you can copy and paste it and then make your changes in red font or do what you want. Tell me what you thing of the last paragraphs. The format kind of got messed up though when I pasted it.

A.B.I. Rough Draft
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always striven to make my parents lives

just a little bit easier. Whether it’s wiping off the counter when I see a mess or

trying to avoid trouble when I can, I do it all. Doing all of this correctly used to

not be quite so easy for me though. To try is to risk failing, which unfortunately is

something I did a lot when I was younger.

There is one event like this that I can remember which occurred when I was

in preschool and my mom had just put my brothers and I down for our afternoon nap.

Normally we would really take a nap but every once in a while we couldn’t go to

sleep. This was one of those rare days.

“This is so boring! I cant go to sleep”, whined my twin brother Ben.

“We should do something fun!” I said.

“Like what?” asked my younger brother Joey,”There is nothing else to do here.”

I scanned the room to see if Joey was right and I could find nothing. When

we were little we all slept in my parents room and because it was my parent’s room,

there wasn’t much to do in there that would entertain toddlers.

Then Ben got an idea.

“ Why don’t we make a fort out of the blankets! That would be

so much fun!”

“ We’ve made a fort like 1000 times. Lets do something else,” I suggested.

“Like what?!” spat back Ben,”There is nothing else to do in here! I want to make

another fort!”

“I just got a really good idea! Why don’t we clean mom’s bathroom! She would be so

happy!” I said while jumping up and down with excitement.

“Hey, that’s a good idea! Let’s do it,” agreed Joey.

“Fine, but next time we’ll make a fort,” said Ben.

We all agreed to make a fort next time and set to work. My mom’s bathroom

was already really clean but we wanted to make it better which we didn’t know was

absolutely impossible. We began by getting the hand soup and squirting it all over

the counter and smearing it into foam with our small bare hands. Joey wasn’t tall

enough to help us so he decided to expand our project by going into my parents room

and “cleaning” the mirror of my mom’s dresser with perfume. I decided that that

looked more fun than scrubbing sinks and went to join him. Soon the sweet scent of

perfume in the room was so great that if it weren’t for the door to the room my

mom would have probably come bursting into the room to see what was going on.

I then went back into the bathroom and began to wipe up the soup suds with

lots and lots of toilet paper but there too much soup and I couldn’t get it all up.

I got worried and went back into the room and got Ben and Joey and told them that

I was concerned about how our plan was going. Ben said,
” Oh, this is easy to clean up” and he grabbed mom’s

favorite peach colored towel and began to wipe it up.

But now there was an even bigger mess because I dropped the toilet paper and

there was soup all over the floor.

“Ben I don’t think that that’s working. What are we going to do when mom

walks in?” I asked.

But he just stared at me. He had no idea what we were going to do. Then

before we even had another second to think, my mom was pounding on the door

demanding that we unlock it and let her in. All three of our little hearts stopped

beating all at once. What were we going to do?! If mom found out what we had done

she would kill us. I did what I felt was most logical to my 4 year old self and I

abandoned my brothers and ran to my bed and pretended to be fast asleep.

Joey opened the door and mom stormed in. She looked in the bathroom and her

jaw dropped and then she let out a horrible scream. The counter was covered in

soupy sludge, the floor was covered in foam, and there was soggy toilet paper

everywhere. Ben and Joey were crying because as far as they knew, their short lives

were over. She then walked into the main part of her room and saw the mirror. It

was completely drenched in perfume. Then she rounded on me and yelled for me to

get up for she knew that I was not asleep. I slowly got up and that is all I could

remember.

I had never seen her so angry before in my life. My mom was furious. Luckily

my mom does not use any physical punishment but we had a 2 hour time out and had no

desert for what seemed to be forever. For such little kids that was one of the

worst punishments imaginable.

By trying, we risked failing and we did fail. We failed and suffered the

consequences. We also learned something. We learned to never try and help out

without help or until we absolutely know how to clean something or else we would

suffer the wrath of an angry mother.

The Resurrected One
October 7th, 2008, 01:49 AM
A.B.I. Rough Draft
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always striven to make my parents' lives

just a little bit easier. Whether it’s wiping off the counter when I see a mess or

trying to avoid trouble when I can, I do it all. Doing all of this correctly used to

not be quite so easy for me though. To try is to risk failing, which unfortunately is

something I did a lot when I was younger.

There is one event like this that I can remember which occurred when I was

in preschool, and my mom had just put my brothers and I down for our afternoon nap.

Normally we would really take a nap but every once in a while we couldn’t go to

sleep. This was one of those rare days.

“This is so boring! I can't go to sleep." whined my twin brother Ben.

“We should do something fun!” I said.

“Like what?” asked my younger brother Joey,”There is nothing else to do here.”

I scanned the room to see if Joey was right, and I could find nothing. When

we were little we all slept in my parents' room and because it was my parents' room,

there wasn’t much to do in there that would entertain toddlers.

Then Ben got an idea.

“Why don’t we make a fort out of the blankets! That would be

so much fun!”

“ We’ve made a fort like 1000 times. Let's do something else,” I suggested.

“Like what?!” spat back Ben,”There is nothing else to do in here! I want to make

another fort!”

“I just got a really good idea! Why don’t we clean mom’s bathroom! She would be so

happy!” I said while jumping up and down with excitement.

“Hey, that’s a good idea! Let’s do it.” agreed Joey.

“Fine, but next time we’ll make a fort.” said Ben.

We all agreed to make a fort next time and set to work. My mom’s bathroom

was already really clean but we wanted to make it better which we didn’t know was

absolutely impossible. We began by getting the hand soap and squirting it all over

the counter, and smearing it into foam with our small bare hands. Joey wasn’t tall

enough to help us, so he decided to expand our project by going into my parents' room

and “cleaning” the mirror of my mom’s dresser with perfume. I decided that that

looked more fun than scrubbing sinks, and went to join him. Soon the sweet scent of

perfume in the room was so great that if it weren’t for the door to the room, my

mom would have probably come bursting into the room to see what was going on.

I then went back into the bathroom and began to wipe up the soap suds with

lots and lots of toilet paper, but there was too much soap and I couldn’t get it all up.

I became worried, went back into the room, and told Ben and Joey that

I was concerned about how our plan was going. Ben said,
”Oh, this is easy to clean up,” and he grabbed mom’s

favorite peach colored towel and began to wipe it up.

But now there was an even bigger mess because I dropped the toilet paper and

there was soap all over the floor.

“Ben I don’t think that that’s working. What are we going to do when mom

walks in?” I asked.

But he just stared at me. He had no idea what we were going to do. Then

before we even had another second to think, my mom was pounding on the door

demanding that we unlock it and let her in. All three of our little hearts stopped

beating all at once. What were we going to do?! If mom found out what we had done

she would kill us. I did what I felt was most logical to my 4-year-old self, so I

abandoned my brothers, ran to my bed, and pretended to be fast asleep.

Joey opened the door and mom stormed in. She looked in the bathroom and her

jaw dropped. She then let out a horrible scream. The counter was covered in

soapy sludge, the floor was covered in foam, and there was soggy toilet paper

everywhere. Ben and Joey were crying because as far as they knew, their short lives

were over. She then walked into the main part of her room and saw the mirror. It

was completely drenched in perfume. Then she rounded on me and yelled at me to

get up, for she knew that I was not asleep. I slowly got up and that is all I could

remember.

I had never seen her so angry before in my life. My mom was furious. Luckily

my mom did not use any physical punishment, but we had a 2 hour time out and had no

dessert for what seemed to be forever. For such little kids that was one of the

worst punishments imaginable.

By trying, we risked failing, which we did. We failed and suffered the

consequences. We also learned something. We learned to never try and help out

without help or until we absolutely know how to clean something or else we would

suffer the wrath of an angry mother.

It's pretty good, but I made some fixes the way I saw it. For example, it's spelled "soap". And for the sentences like:

“This is so boring! I cant go to sleep”, whined my twin brother Ben.


I changed it to:

“This is so boring! I can't go to sleep." whined my twin brother Ben.

I added the period since from what I think, if it isn't in two parts like

"- - - -," said - - -, "- - - -."

then there should be a period there, ending the sentence. But that I really am not sure with, so with that I hope I am not giving you wrong advice.

Uh, there were other things I looked at as well. The part I hilighted in red I didn't really get, and to me it didn't make too much sense. I changed "desert" to "dessert", since I assume you were reffering to the food, not the dry/hot area.

The rest I changed I can't really remember and note, but in some parts I rearranged the words a bit.

Hope I helped.

Mzor203
October 7th, 2008, 01:55 AM
Uh, Johnny, that's not right, the original for this:

“This is so boring! I cant go to sleep”, whined my twin brother Ben.

is right, except the comma needs to go inside the quotes.

(You can trust me, I've hadpeopleask me if I was an English teacher before).

The Resurrected One
October 7th, 2008, 02:01 AM
Alright, sorry. I did say that with that I was really unsure.

And yes I forgot to mention the apostrophes.

When "parents room" was written, I changed it to "parents' room". That's if you are talking about them both. But if only one, then it's "parent's".

ssgliberty
October 8th, 2008, 08:12 PM
good job its good

Falk 'Ace' Flyer
October 8th, 2008, 10:51 PM
We had to do this for school and I was wondering what you guys thought. So you can copy and paste it and then make your changes in red font or do what you want. Tell me what you thing of the last paragraphs. The format kind of got messed up though when I pasted it.

A.B.I. Rough Draft
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always striven to make my parents lives

just a little bit easier. Whether it’s wiping off the counter when I see a mess or

trying to avoid trouble when I can, I do it all. Doing all of this correctly used to

not be quite so easy for me though. To try is to risk failing, which unfortunately is

something I did a lot when I was younger.

There is one event like this that I can remember which occurred when I was

in preschool and my mom had just put my brothers and I down for our afternoon nap.

Normally we would really take a nap but every once in a while we couldn’t go to

sleep. This was one of those rare days.

“This is so boring! I cant go to sleep”, whined my twin brother Ben.

“We should do something fun!” I said.

“Like what?” asked my younger brother Joey,”There is nothing else to do here.”

I scanned the room to see if Joey was right and I could find nothing. When

we were little we all slept in my parents room and because it was my parent’s room,

there wasn’t much to do in there that would entertain toddlers.

Then Ben got an idea.

“ Why don’t we make a fort out of the blankets! That would be

so much fun!”

“ We’ve made a fort like 1000 times. Lets do something else,” I suggested.

“Like what?!” spat back Ben,”There is nothing else to do in here! I want to make

another fort!”

“I just got a really good idea! Why don’t we clean mom’s bathroom! She would be so

happy!” I said while jumping up and down with excitement.

“Hey, that’s a good idea! Let’s do it,” agreed Joey.

“Fine, but next time we’ll make a fort,” said Ben.

We all agreed to make a fort next time and set to work. My mom’s bathroom

was already really clean but we wanted to make it better which we didn’t know was

absolutely impossible. We began by getting the hand soup and squirting it all over

the counter and smearing it into foam with our small bare hands. Joey wasn’t tall

enough to help us so he decided to expand our project by going into my parents room

and “cleaning” the mirror of my mom’s dresser with perfume. I decided that that

looked more fun than scrubbing sinks and went to join him. Soon the sweet scent of

perfume in the room was so great that if it weren’t for the door to the room my

mom would have probably come bursting into the room to see what was going on.

I then went back into the bathroom and began to wipe up the soap suds with

lots and lots of toilet paper but there too much soup and I couldn’t get it all up.

I got worried and went back into the room and got Ben and Joey and told them that

I was concerned about how our plan was going. Ben said,
” Oh, this is easy to clean up” and he grabbed mom’s

favorite peach colored towel and began to wipe it up.

But now there was an even bigger mess because I dropped the toilet paper and

there was soap all over the floor.

“Ben I don’t think that that’s working. What are we going to do when mom

walks in?” I asked.

But he just stared at me. He had no idea what we were going to do. Then

before we even had another second to think, my mom was pounding on the door

demanding that we unlock it and let her in. All three of our little hearts stopped

beating at once. What were we going to do?! If mom found out what we had done

she would kill us. I did what I felt was most logical to my 4 year old mind:

I abandoned my brothers, ran to my bed, and pretended to be fast asleep.

Joey opened the door and mom stormed in. She looked in the bathroom and her

jaw dropped, and then she let out a horrible scream. The counter was covered in

soapy sludge, the floor was covered in foam, and there was soggy toilet paper

everywhere. Ben and Joey were crying because as far as they knew, their short lives

were over. She then walked into the main part of her room and saw the mirror. It

was completely drenched in perfume. Then she rounded on me and yelled for me to

get up for she knew that I was not asleep. I slowly got up and that is all I could

remember.

I had never seen her so angry before in my life. My mom was furious. Luckily for us,

my mom does not use any physical punishment, however we had a 2 hour time out and had no

desert for what seemed to be forever. For such little kids that was one of the

worst punishments imaginable.

By trying, we risked failing and we did fail. We failed and suffered the

consequences. We also learned something: never try and help out

without guidance or until having absolute knowledge of how to do it, or else we would

suffer the wrath of an angry mother.


I made a lot of changes, you don't have to take them as they just make the writing sound better when read, although you did replace "soap" with "soup" a few times.

foof1
October 11th, 2008, 12:38 AM
I used spell check and soap is spelled soap. I don't think that your changes really work.

The Resurrected One
October 11th, 2008, 01:44 AM
"Soap" as in the, uh... bar of soap, is spelled "Soap".