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View Full Version : A poem. Can I have some feedback?


rsc4life
September 17th, 2008, 06:50 PM
a love poem to be exact. Not really my style, but we'll see.

And it is easy to lose oneself.
On a train to the city
A heartbeat away from it all
Rumbling
Litter on the ground
Surveyed with distaste
They do it too, but its dropped.
And off to the subway!
You switch lines a couple of times
And your recollections are brought
to the front of your brain
mixed jumble, and you hack at the undergrowth
a forest floor appears
and it is still foggy in your head
And music plays in your head
telling you to calm down
and the train and its people sit there
listening and watching and reading
and they go home to un-cork their lives
now your fighters
are deep inside
your mind
trying to help you
and the train stops
clenching 20 dollars in hand
playing calm with the conscience
and you shut your eyes
and you have dizzying vertigo
and you climb down
but it is too late
you slip up
walking on
down street after street
some shops teeming with the rich
and some full of their gardeners, and their maids.
And you pick up your receiver
Only now will you end the silence.
And there they are
and there is the one you hacked at those leaves for.

trn19
September 18th, 2008, 11:32 PM
It shows it is not your style, but this is still a good poem. It takes a lot of courage to do something out of your comfort zone or that you think doesn't go with your personality. Cheers.

BlackenedSilver
September 19th, 2008, 09:29 AM
Yea you can tell its not what you normally write about.
But that is still like an amazing poem! :clap: