There is no meaning to anything

[sivart]

I had this all typed out already, but I decided that I'm going to retype it more in detail because I need help very badly.

As a child I was always very self conscious. At the ripe age of 5 or 6 I was tormented by older kids about my "dumbo" ears, for a short time I became very obese, and I hardly have any game with the ladies. I decided it was time for change once I hit 7th grade. I joined wrestling and lost over 50 pounds in a month. Once I was in my freshman year of highschool I had grown my hair out to cover my ears. By my sophomore year I was in and out of the gym so much I was lifting more than the 30 year old roid freaks. I got utterly HUGE (muscle). Everything seemed to be working out a bit better after I "fixed" those things. I have always been OBSESSED with beautiful girls. Not just the ones that are pretty, or hott, but the ones you see that just blow your mind. I would/do try my absolute hardest to even talk to them. It seems pointless. KEEP READING!!! I'm not crying about girl problems. But once I hit my junior year things started to go downhill. Due to my diet of pure junkfood and laying around watching t.v. my beautiful body left. Due to the disgusting weather in ohio the hair had to go too. Since the first day of junior year I have worn a hoodie. ANYONE that knows me knows me as the kid who never takes off his hoodie. My body disgusts me, and it isn't helped that I have no confidence in talking to anyone, espeicially girls. The hoodie works wonders. I'd rather be known as the hoodie kid than the guy with tits. Don't get me wrong, my body is still decent just doesn't exactly look good. (no i have never done steroids)

Once my junior year ended, everything took a turn for the absolute worst. My dad was F***ed over by the girls that he was more of a father to than their own father. I was and had proof that they were lying. He couldn't take the alligations. His pride was everything to him (he worked harder than anyone i know to be the most respectable person i've known to this day). He was going to lose everything, his job, his life. So he decided he would at least leave me something. He took his life last april (my senior year) leaving me more money than I'll ever need. Wanna know the sad part? I only cried twice. Neither of them at his funeral or showing where everyone else seemed to ball their eyes out. The funeral director said he had never in his life seen so many people at a funeral. (just to show you what a truly good person my dad had been). For weeks all I could think about was revenge. All I had to do was kill them. Kill the girls that killed my dad. I never got the courage to do it. I had the gun (his),ammo,and plan ready, just couldn't do it. I later figured out I received a large sum of money because of the death. As part of a gift to myself from it, I bought a very nice car since we both had such a deep love for them.

Senior year was depressing. I didn't see any friends, girls were nothing more than eye candy in the hallways, and all anyone knew me for was my dead dad, nice car, or hoodie. I stopped caring about grades and started HARD on drugs. I think for a few weeks I had more smoke in my lungs than I did air (weed). Only a few months after senior year started I was arrested again (obstruction of justice) (I was also arrested only a month after my dad's death for aiding and abedding((or however you spell it)) ). People began spreading rumors about anything you could think of. Things I had nothing to do with or never even heard of. Where I live if someone hears something the whole school knows before the end of the day. Highschool had finally ended with me showing up probably a day or two a week.

Summer just made everything even worse. I began to HATE my girlfriend, every day was an EXACT repeat of the last. We did the same things in the exact same order day after day. (yeah i know i was complaining about girls, but to tell you the truth all i ever want is the prettiest girl i can get ((low i know)) ). We had been together two years and i broke up with her. I used my free time to take my car to meets, race, and do more drugs. When one day one of the prettiest girls i have ever seen came up to me and asked me for my number. I gave it to her and we began to talk. I became bored in under a week and stopped talking to her. I stopped going to car meets and races. I have stopped caring about anything I have ever liked, loved, or wanted. It seems like there is nothing left for me. Everything I used to love is meaningless. I wake up and think, there is nothing that can make today different from any other day. There is nothing i can do to make myself happy because nothing does. I have/had everything it seems like anyone wants. Money, cars, girls, drugs. And after all the years of want and need, none of it means anything to me. I couldn't care less. Someone help me, life has no meaning, nothing makes me happy, every day is the same. The only things that puts me to sleep at night is getting absolutely blazed. It takes my mind off my pathetic existence that will innevitally (how ever you spell it) end no where with everything anyone could want....that means nothing to me.

p.s. No i'm not emo, I don't cut my wrists, and I don't want help from the god everyone speaks of. He has done jack s*** for me and can sit back and watch as the life he destroyed gets worse. Please help me, I have no where to turn.

[Mzor203]

I was moved reading this.You have obviously had some really bad stuff happen to your in your life, and when you get in really deep, it can be hard to get out. But, there always s hope.

First, you have to address the drugs. You need to get off them. The thing is that when you get high from doing drugs, that high starts to feel normal after a while, and it becomes harder and harder to keep your body pleased, and it becomes harder to enjoy everyday things as well. To start, I'd suggest you go to counselling, that may be one of the only ways to get off them,especially if you don't have really good supportive friends and family. If you have people who you think can help you, talk to them. See if they'll listen to your problems. But whatever you do, you have got to get off of the drugs.

Second, you have to start rebuilding parts of your life, such as school and your social life. What do you think your dad would think of you now,missing almost all your school, not doing anything, barely striving. Force yourself to go to school, and concentrate. Work hard to make your father proud.Start doing your homework,no matter how much you dislike it. Make people astonished at how much you can change.

Get rid of the hoodie, as well. Don't be afraid to show your true self. That will help you become less self-conscious and more immune to the thoughts of others. Improve your posture,put a spring in your step. Make yourself seem happy, be happy, and eventually you will be able to rebuild any social life you lost. Get some really good friends who you can enjoy yourself with.

Make a commitment to work out again. Not only does this exercising relieve stress and release endorphins, but you can get that body back up and start getting your self confidence up as well. Self confidence is a big part here.

I hope you can really start getting things back on track here, buddy. No one really deserves to have a bad life,but you have to work to make it better,you've got to be ready for tough times. Just make a commitment to get your life back in shape, and work hard, and you'll be better before you know it. Hope things go better for you.

-Rex

[Trademarked]

you're going to get a lot of the same thing from people on this site, but i'll still say it.
an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. revenge will not help, it's not what your father would have wanted. i don't know your father, but if he is the good person that all of these people liked, would he really want his son to kill someone? let alone two people?

and second, drugs are not the way to go. nothing else really i can say about that because it sounds like you're pretty much addicted, except for try to help yourself. drugs are an unhealthy habit that become addictions that can only be broken my commitment, determination and help from others. do not believe yourself when your brain tells you "one more can't hurt".

i admire you though for your wrestling, if you had that much focus, reason and determination to gain so much muscle, what's stopping you from getting that back, gaining your muscle, losing weight, and getting back on top?

i would recommend finding someone to help you. i find that all that i need is friends/family/both pushing me to do the right thing. have someone push you in the right direction and tell them this "do not let me do anything i should not be doing. no matter what."

there's no easy way of getting out of where you are, but it's ALL about determination and commitment.

and remember, i don't know your EXACT situation/personality, so don't base your life around the above text, it's only a suggestion/recommendation.

[thesphinx]

I'm sorry mate seems like you had a rough start to life, but your life is not over!
and before you give up please hear me out.

I to was once at the point where I saw no meaning whatsoever in life and I honestly went day to day just trying to get through and find SOME meaning to it.
Now the thing is people don't feel things for no reason there is ALWAYS a reason I figured out why I was feeling the way I was through therapy/Medicine.

I know you are probably going to not want to do this I know I didn't but please consider it - Therapy can heal just about anything mental, you've had a lot of trauma in your life and I think you need to be talking to someone about it.
Lets face it, certain problems in life you CAN'T get through alone I know you want to but it's something you are going to have to ask for help.
You can get your life back, you can find meaning again.

[byee]

First, i'm really sorry for your loss.

Second, take some of that money and find a good psychologist and work all this out in therapy. There's a lot that's apparently happened to you and it sounds like it has taken it's toll on you. Many of the feelings and behaviors you're troubled by could be the result of some pretty intense stuff. Often, intensity has a way fo affected us, and until we sort it out it affects so much of who we are and how we feel. What's happening to you could be a symptom of depression.

Find a good psychologist and visit a couple of times a week and work all this out.