Its been awhile..

[Rutherford The Brave]

Since I had a mental break down. I guess its just stress, and lack of sleep. It's just so hard, I wish my mom was around to see how I am doing. But everytime I look at Cheyenne I see her in my daughter's face. It's almost 14 years since the accident happened and I still cannot get over it. All I can think about is how I let her down, even though she cannot judge me; I feel as though everything I say could be a bad omen.

Its good that I haven't cut, but it just hurts to think that I may not even see my daughter that much during the day throughout the school year. What's even worse is that I lost my temper and got myself in a sticky situation, with the member of this site who I looked up too and wanted to be. Today I took Cheyenne with me to get some dress shirts cause I grew alot. It was heartbreaking to look at all the people who were staring at me. The young kid with a baby, (a loud one to boot.) Their murmuring was the worst, things like "he's too young, whats that Native doing with that child? Is that his daughter? That kid will never be able to keep that baby." It hurts, and she could sense the pain from me. Because everytime I heard someone say something and got tense she would snuggle up against me.

I love Cheyenne like I love my mother. I just cannot stop crying to save my life and even Noor's family nows that its too hard for me. I worked way more than I should have to scrape together enough money so that both Noor and Cheyenne would be healthy after the birth. But apparently that means shit to my lazy father who tells me he had to work double what I had to for my birth. Come to find out that My own mother worked way more than he ever did and he didn't even have a job until my mother was 5 months along. Plus to top a terrible day off My little daughter bless her soul peed on me and then fell asleep.

If only there was an escape if only.....

[byee]

Unfortunately, there's no escape, daddy. You're too needed now. Besides, why would you want to leave THAT?! She is irrestibly adorable! And, she is a part of you.

They say that the past lives on in the soul's of babies, you can 'feel' it. There's a continuity of life, I believe that there's a connection there we're just not supposed to understand or explain, fully. But, anyone who's held a baby, really close, feels it. Right? Maybe it is your mom, who knows. Maybe you feel her presence in little Cheyenne, and maybe you feel her deep within you now. Maybe it's a little of both. They say that when you love somebody, and are loved by them, they never really leave you.

Committments are serious things, as you know, regardless of how difficult or overwhelming they might be at times. That's the burden of responsibility. But with that, comes the joy of attachment, of knowing that you're part of something much bigger than yourself. Even when they pee all over you.

You are now much bigger than you've ever been, what matters most, gregory, isn't what strangers murmur or mutter, but what another living thing you've created needs and wants. Donlt lose sight of that, she's what matters, not the random expressions from strangers that do not matter.

You are a good man, Gregory. Feel that strength and use it.