My Friends...

[Underground_Network]

My friends are enigmas. I feel like they're Pandora's box. I can see the outside, but I don't know what's inside, and I'm not sure I want to know. I don't want to open them up, I don't want to 'get close' to them and know them better. I like knowing the little I know about them now. I like that its mutual, that I don't know much about them, but that they don't know much about me. I mean, we know simple things, I know their names of course, their habits, their classes. But I don't know what they do in their spare time when I'm not hanging out with them. I don't know all of their hobbies or what they like. I didn't even know my one friend had a girl friend till he told me a month into their relationship.
I think my one friend is on drugs, but I'm not really sure. What sucks about my friends is that they're just there. I can't talk to them when I'm down, because we're not close. I can't open up to them about much. I mean we talk about girls sometimes, who's hot who's not, we talk about other shit sometimes . We talk about politics sometimes, we make fun of the president. We go out and do stupid stuff [not drugs, nothing like that]. But still, sometimes I feel like I'm out doing something that's borderline illegal with these guys, and I barely even know them.
I know their name, their address, how smart they are, how many siblings they have, their parent's names, if they have any pets and how many, yet I still feel that I know nothing. I feel that we know things about each other, but we don't really know them. We acknowledge the existence of these 'facts' but we don't go more into them. I don't have any 'close' friends, no one I can open up to, no one that really shares all the same interests I do. Yeah, they like video games, they like violence, they like action movies, they like [i]some sports, they like girls, they like computers, etc...
But still, it doesn't seem like they like me for who I am, it seems they don't even know who I really am. I mean, they don't know that I've attempted suicide, that I'm depressed, that I hate my dad, that I'm on a site like this, that I love to write. They know that I write, but I just b/s them and tell them I'm good at it, but it doesn't mean I'm obsessed with it. I think I've lied to them more times than I've told them truth, though I'm sure they've done the same to me.
I'm just so confused. I want someone I can open to, someone I can tell the truth to, someone I can get close to, and I don't know whether I want that to be a friend or someone more than a friend, but I want someone like that now. I need to get my thoughts out of my head, I need to be able to speak, not write or type, I need to be able let these thoughts flow out of my mind through my mouth, not through my hands. I don't know that my friends would be able to listen, to understand, or even to care. I want someone who I know will listen, someone who I know will care and who will hopefully understand. They don't need to be able to help, they just need to be able to listen, to care. They don't need to be able to be exactly like me, they just need able to be there for me. My friends are never there for me, we're all selfish, though I think I'm only selfish because they are. We all care for ourselves, rather than for each other. I'm not even sure that what we have is friendship...

[Mzor203]

:hug:

It must be hard having no friends who really care about you, and care for you as a person. I know I could tell you that VT is here for you, and that you could talk to me, and I'd try to help, but that wouldn't be the same as a real friend who's face you could talk to.

I wish I could help more, but I'll say this: There is someone out there who you can become good friends with and talk to. You've just got to find them. Start joining clubs or organizations at your school, it's a great way to meet people who share your interests.

Just keep searching Adam. And if your friends are ever doing something really stupid, just walk away.

[byee]

You know, Adam, you don't post much, but when you do, it's always very thought provoking and very insightful. You have real depth, I'm sure you know that. And, I'm also sure, you realize most 15 y/o don't. Maybe that's the problem for you.

You are different, in a good way, but like many things that set us apart, sometimes there's this burden, too. In your case, it's realizing what you need, and not being able to get it from your peers. I'd like to think it's both temporary, as people mature they're better able to actually care for eachother, they're not so full of themselves, but also that there are people out there that share your maturity and insight. We know this last part is true b/c there's some real talent here at VT, people with the depth and insight and caring, like yours, at 15 and even younger.

I think you might need to accept people for who they are, the glass might be half empty, but it's also still half full. Focus on the part that's better than nothing, enjoy them for what they have to offer. Their inability to nurture you the way you need isn't intentional on their part. Maybe if you changed your expectations you wouldn't be so disappointed.

In much the same way that (I hope!) you've found connections here on VT, you can find them out there, too. It takes a while, but if they're here, they're there, too. Keep an eye out for them, put yourself into circulation so you increase your chances of meeting them.

I think that older teens and adults develop those emotional qualities you're seeking, just hang in there. Until then, accept the glass, half is better than none, and try to find those special people who are as evolved as you are.