At Least He's Trying?

[Atonement]

So for those of you that don't know, I dont have the best relationship with my dad. I guess I'll type up most the story because... well I dont think its on here and I am hoping explaining it will help me be okay with it. So, here it goes.

I was born June 28th, 1993. I have two older biological brothers, 4 and 7 years older. My parents met by my mom working as a secretary in my father's family trucking business. So myself and my brothers were born. Soon after I was born, a new woman started working at the business. Well, needless to say, this woman is now my step-mother. My dad cheated on my mom with her by spending business trip weekends many hours away while we were at our grandparents. The last holiday my mom and dad ever spent together was my first birthday. They were seperated by September and divorced within the year.

My dad was granted visitations of alternating weekends, a mid week evening, and alternating holidays. Right, so life goes on...

One week evening visitation went wrong. Appearently I was still young enough to be in a car seat. So, my dad was dropping us off at my mom's with the step-mom in the car. My dad brings the two older boys to the door any there are some kind of exchange of insults or something. Idk. And my dad gets furious and starts for his car. Well, I'm still in the car. My mom reaches in to get me out as my dad tries pulling out of the driveway. My mom says something to the effect to my step-mom of "Give me my son you trailor trash adulterous bitch!". My dad freaks out, gets out of the car, forces my mom off of the car and forces her to the ground and punches her once. Then gets in the driver seat. My mom is determined enough to get back up grab me and my dad leaves.

My mom never filed assault or anything but the child exchanges were between friends of the couple not direct between the divorce people.

So, as we got older, we got busier. Kids just get involved in activities and so on. So the weekends are only made if there is nothing going on. And the evening visitations were near gone because we had moved 3 hours away when my mom got married. So, from the time when I was about 4 to 12 we had about monthly visits to my dad's. So, my dad had never really been there to raise us kids. I resent him for this. My step-dad isn't my dad and for some reason I resent him for that.

So from age 13 on, I would see him every now and then, occasional holidays and such.

Well, as many of you know, I was put in a hospital on March 12 of this year for anxiety and self harm. These went hand in hand. The anxiety was from my pressure on myself and my peers to succeed in school and everything I did. I put the anxiety on myself to try to stand out among so many children (four step-sisters, a dopted son and a sister in law). I wanted the attention of my father by standing out academically so I could get the special recognition my brothers never got of being good in school.

My father is also very unwelcoming. He is stern and tough. Not emotionally available. Like having a touching moment is like trying to pet a rock, there is no reaction. We never connected because he pressured me to do sports which he thought were most important and beneficial for me opposed to school.
------------------------------
So now, the present. I havent been to my father's house since christmas.
I havent spoken to him since a couple text messages asking for my e-mail a couple weeks ago. And I havent seen him since my brother's wedding early june.

In my dad's family, they have quarterly gatherings where they celebrate birthdays from the last three months of the year. Well, the next one is coming up and he wants us all to attend. Keep in mind my dad knows for a fact that I was hospitalized in a big portion to him. He knows what kind of neglegence I felt. And he doesn't have the balls to come out and talk about it like I said, he's a rock. So, we is going to send myself and my brothers emails soon inviting me to go to this quarterly event...

LIke, I want to go to try to experience if I still feel the same way, but I dont want to because I dont want to freak out and have some kind of episode being about him. This whole time I have been sitting here I have been trembling and shaking and feeling nauseous just thinking about him. Pathetic, I know. Im worried that it will go wrong but I want to know if it could be already.

So, if anyone is still reading this incredibly long thread...

I am just wondering what you think I should do.

Sorry that it was so long

[Mzor203]

Interestingly enough, I was almost reading my life story, except I'm the oldest brother, and there were never any physical fights. Verbal, oh yeah. But, same stuff, originally we visited our dad alternating weekends, one weeknight, and alternating holidays. Then we moved, and we hadn't seen him for 3 years until a while ago. So I know how you feel for the most part, and I'm sorry you have to deal with it.

Now, he is your father. And obviously he cares enough about you to invite you to this event, so you should definitely go and try to make contact with him more, or else things are going become even worse and more strained between you and him. Family should stick together, no matter what, and even though your dad hasn't been the best, you still owe it to him, to give him a chance. As you said in the thread title, at least he's trying, which shows he still loves you, deep down, though he might not show it.

Sorry it's gone like this to you.

[Zephyr]

I'd go hun.
Give him a chance.
As much of a rock as he is,
He still cares about you.
It's hard to tell what'll happen.
If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out.
But hopefully it does.

[Atonement]

Its so frustrating that he wont show it then. And I have given him so many chances I am just on my last straw. Like, after I got out of the hostpial, April or May, I ended up calling him. We do the whole "Hey whats up?" Then he says he has to run into the drycleaners real quick and he'll call me back in 15 minutes. 15 minutes past. then an hour. He never returns the call. It may seem like a tiny thing, but it means the world for him just to remember me. And my mom was the one that eventually broke the news to him that I had wanted to kill myself due to him. He gave her his word that he would call me and discuss it. That was 5 months ago.

[george]

I really think you should go, I've never even met my real dad =\ Give your dad a chance to sort everything out. But if you really don't want to go, then you don't have to, though going could help you out a lot.

[Atonement]

I mean, I get the whole, give him a chance. Trust me, I get everything about it, but I am so horrified of the obverse effect happening. It scares the SHIT out of me.

[Mzor203]

I think I see what is troubling him.

It's hard for him.Hard for him to show his love. Maybe he's shy, or uncomfortable about it, but I think it's difficult in some way. It could be that he regrets what he has done in the past, and is keeping those emotions bottled up inside him, trying to avoid an encounter which may bring up an uncomfortable feeling. I don't really know what to tell you. It's hard to address this yourself, but maybe sometime you could call him and initiate a conversation. If he backs out, try again another time until he gets more comfortable talking to you.

I'm sorry I can't be of more help. It's hard to have a parent like that. :hug:

[Zephyr]

Like I said before Addison, you can share my dad with me ;)

[Rutherford The Brave]

I've never been close to my dad before Addison. Your right though giving them a chance is scary, and I wouldn't exactly be down on yourself if you couldn't do it. These things are hard to get over and you just have to recognize the good things. I tried I really did. But he was just a fool, but I would feel really bad if I didn't try back when he asked me to give him another chance.

[Medical Kid]

dont be sorry man, my dad is the same way, try to hang in there camper, it,ll get better :D

[byee]

Thanks for sharing this, Addison, I never knew all of this about you, it helps round out the picture.

I think the issue for you about this event in particular (and maybe your dad in general) are your expectations. If you can adjust your expectations based on what he is capable of giving/offering (rather than what you need) it might be OK. As they say, half a glass is often better than nothing. If, on the other hand, you see tha glass as half empty, that being with him just reminds you of how neglected you've been, if your experience of him is so intolerable to you, if you cannot accept who he is and what his limitations are, then you should, stay away.

[Atonement]

Thanks everyone. I guess I just have to wait till I receive the "e-mail invitation" to this gathering... if it ever comes.

[Atonement]

So, today, I got that expected e-mail from my dad. Here's what it said.

"Subject: B-Day Celebrating at Grandma's On Sept. 7th

Try to make it if you can. They want to celebrate your B-Days. If you can come down the Saturday before that’s great, just let me know what you can do or not do.

[My Name] I've been trying to call, but you're a hard one to get a hold of. Call me sometime."

I mean, I have nothing going then, and I kinda want to, and my asshole brother is going so... idk.

[Atonement]

Lol. He just called and left a message saying "[My First and Last Name]. Pick up your phone. I know you are alive! Call me!"

He he...

Anyway, any ideas what to do?

[byee]

Addison, I reread your OP, and my response to it. I still like my advice, I think it's valid.

The issue here are your expectations (which come from your needs).

On the one hand, you'd like to have a better relationship with your dad, you miss him (or at least the figure in your life he's supposed to be), and you want that for yourself.

On the other hand, you've stated that for a variety of reasons beyond your control, he's a disappointment to you. Yet, you still want him.

If you can change your expectations based more on his abilities, rather than your needs, you might be able to get something more than you have now. But, that means being able to tolerate the glass being half full and not just seeing it as half empty.

He might not change, but you can.

[Mzor203]

I think you should go for it. I'm with Sam on this one (Like I'm never not :D).

This would be a great time to try to talk to him, to try to get him to open up some of those emotions that I'm sure are in there somewhere. He's trying to get ahold of you, so obviously he cares, even if he doesn't show it.

So, do what you want and what you think is right, but just realize that he does care, and you should try to see him.

[The Batman]

Addison you need to forgive him. Don't do it for him do it for you. If you hold this in your heart for to long it will eat you up inside and cause you to continue down this road of self harm. A lot of people don't realize that when we hold grudges it doesn't just hurt the person we're angry at it hurts us to. Addison you have to talk to your father, he still loves you. Just call him and tell him your going.

[Atonement]

I mean, I'm not trying to argue your guys advice but it just scares the shit out of me. Like, just going and talking to him. The idea of being in his house makes me feel sick. Like when he called I ended up shaking and vomitting for nearly 3 hours. I really want to go to see if I will still feel the same, but really, what if I freak out and something relaly bad happens? It just scares me soooooo much. Idk. Sorry.

[The Batman]

That's why you need to talk to him. You need his help to get over this anxiety you have against him. If you let this fear keep you from a relationship with your father how are you going to get over it?

[Mzor203]

Well you never told us you were getting literally sick about all this.

Now I understand why you're having such a hard time about it. And I can't really say anymore. I think in the end it's really up to you, you have to ask yourself, "Am I comfortable doing this?" and if not, maybe you should just pass. I'm sorry this is freaking you out so much, Addi.

[Atonement]

Or is it one of these things where I just have to buck up and push through it... Idk. I live with anxiety so do I just push through it and go? Do I risk thef reak out? Idk... whatever Sorry. Thanks bud.

[The Batman]

You can't just keep trying to avoid him because eventually you'll have to face him. Just make it some place where you will feel comfortable and if you barf then let it out and keep going.

[Θάνατος]

Addi, I know how u feel my dad is very cold too. I would let your dad try to reach out to you. Some dads just have a hard time dealing with their sons. I know my dad loves me and crap but it doesn't take the pain away from the neglect. I would suggest that you lean on your freinds and family members that you can trust.

Let your dad have his chance but be cautious of him. If you dopn't expect anything good about this visit then nothing will happen if he lets you down again. Take care and know that you have people here who care about your.