nervous when i probably shouldn't be

[Gumleaf]

well for those of you who were around last december and january, you might remember that my mum had a cancer scare and for that period i was a total mess. this it the thread i posted about it at the time http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/showthread.php?t=17733 anyways, after the surgery to remove the mass/cyst/tumour it was found to be 95% benign and 5% "borderline" of becoming cancer. anyways, 6 months on my mum is due for her first check up. she has had all the blood tests done and tomorrow she sees the specialist. anyways, i'm feeling really nervous and worried about it and i don't know why? its not like before when cancer was a real possiblity, this time there is no reason to believe anything is wrong, yet why do i feel like there is something to be nervous about? i just wish none of this happened and things would go back to how they used to be before this cancer thing happened.

[Oblivion]

That sucks that she has a cancer scare :(
But, it's normal to be nervous after that.
5% is a small number, but still it's a chance, and you love your mom.
You'll probably be worried about it every time she gets checked up, but there really isn't anything you can do.
Try to take your mind off it, by doing other things :)

I hope she never gets sick :hug:

[Zephyr]

It's natural to be that nervous.
My mom had a breast cancer scare last year,
But it turned out to be nothing,
And I still worry about her since her mom had breast cancer.

I hope everything turns out okay hun,
You don't deserve to be worried like this.

[Random_oso06]

dude calm down from you shouldn't be nevous because the same thing happened but with my grandfather i got nevous and my dads never made my mom feel better and mom was crying all the time i had to cheer her up and my older brothers wasn't there and it was just me and my bro to help my mom a piece of advise in an hour of sadness there always the sun to brighten your day in retrospec there no need to be nevous or it might effect they way you act around her

if this doesn't work than :hug:

[Gumleaf]

so yeah, my mum went to the specialist this morning. my parents "suprised" me by picking me up from school at lunch time and took me out to lunch so they could talk to me about what happened at the specialist. so they told me that the blood test for ovarian cancer showed nothing and the reading was in the "normal range", that was the good news. the bad news was that in another test, that i can't remember the name of, but shows up signs of various other cancers, showed an elevation and was above the "normal range". the specialist was a bit concerned and said that she needs to be re-tested in 3 months time to see if it rises anymore, because if it does, there could very well be another form of cancer there. the other good news is that after a physical examination, the specialist couldn't feel anything which is a good start. the problem is that on the whole, i'm now very worried about things. i don't know how i'm going to get through the next 3 months just waiting and freaking. i'm really scared, even though it could be nothing. this brings back bad memories of last year when i last played the waiting game, i was a mess for a month, i hate it and wish all this would just go away! what did i do to deserve this? :(

[Oblivion]

I'm sorry Stephen :( :hug:

Sometimes things just happen that are bad. You can't control it.
At least your mom doesn't definitely have cancer
It's only a chance.
That's a major ++.
Good luck :)

[Mzor203]

You know why you're scared Stephen?

If you think about it, it's obviously because you're a really caring person. You care about your mom, and wouldn't want anything to happen to her, so your reaction to that is a natural one. It's perfectly okay to be scared, it's part of human nature. I'm sure everything is going to be fine. Strong emotions like this are just another way you feel love for your mom.

So, if you feel bad for any reason about being scared, don't be. Unless it is interfering with your life in any way, there's really no problem.

Hope everything goes well. ;)

[iJack]

My mom had ovarian cancer while she was pregnant with me, then my gma had cancer last year.

Its ok to be scared, that means you care, as rex said.

[Malcolm Tucker]

Exactly, and if you do care, you will get through this. You need to. She needs to know that her son is there for her and will be strong. There is nothing worse when you're sick and others a visably upset. If she sees you strong, it will make her feel better.

I pray she gets better stephen :) Hang in there mate.

[AutumnDae]

Stephen, you are going to be worried. When I was in the hospital my mom was a nervous wreck. My dad even came, and he HATES hospitals. While I was going into my room, my mom had to wait outside for a few minutes. I was worried about myself, people were poking me, telling me to swallow stuff, and sticking needles in my arms every 10 minutes. I told her "Everything will be fine." Of course, I didn't KNOW that, but I told her that. She then started crying, again. But that's not the point.

Has your mom been ill, with a cold, or something else recently. Probably within the past month or two. That might make the test seem off, because her immune system is rebuilding itself.

I know how many times we can tell you, don't worry, but you will. I won't tell you don't worry, because it is okay to. If something does go on, then there isn't any stopping. If it happens, it happens. Take it with stride, give her support. You don't have to put on your brave face all the time. No one is expecting your face to be set in stone.

You know I'm here to talk. Any day, anytime. Well, seeing as you are 14 hours ahead of me, you can't talk any day, anytime. You know what I mean though. Drop a pm if you want to talk.

[theOperaGhost]

Being nervous shows that you are worried, which is a good thing. It's perfectly normal to be worried about this kind of stuff. I hope everything turns out well, Stephen. :hug:

[Gumleaf]

i'm sorry to continue whinging but i want to say that i'm feeling just so down right now. my dad called me when i was having lunch at school and sorta warned me that my mum is really upset about it all today, which makes me really upset. my mum went into depression when all the bad stuff happened at the start of the year and she had gone off her pills recently because she was much better. now this has happened, she has begun going back downhill fast. why why why does this bad stuff keep happening, why can't we just be happy for a change??? :(:(:(

[byee]

This is all so upsetting. But, try to keep some perspective here. You don't seem to have any new, bad news. And, whatever happened health wise with mum worked out last time, so think optimistically.

You and dad would do well to come up woh a plan together to support mum (and get her back on her pills!), but also one to support you, this doesnlt need to take the terrible toll on you it seems to.

Family illness is the worst, especially when it's a parent, and maybe most especially when it's a mother, they're the core of the family, they're the ones we look to for caring for us. It's really stressful and frightening when that changes, when the caretakers are the ones needing the care, but if people work together , they can all get thru it. But you gotta talk about it and come up with a plan.

[Gumleaf]

ok, i'm bumping i know but i don't want to start a new thread on the same thing and if you don't know what i'm talking about, read my last couple of pots in this thread. this morning my mum left early for work and went and got her blood test after the 3 months. the main concern is for the test that i don't know the name of which is an indicator for different types of cancers which was elevated out of the normal range last time she got tested 3 months ago which left really scared and freaked out. anyways, sometime next week we'll have our first indicator if there is anything to worry about where one of two things will happen.

1) the specialist will call and ask her to come in for the results - if this is the case then there shouldn't be much to worry about because that will either mean that the high reading is going down or remaining constant.

2) the specialist will call and ask her to go for scans because the reading has gone up. the scans will be to check for signs of cancer.

until we get the phone call, we are again playing the waiting game and like normal around my family i put on the brave face like everything is all right. in private and on the inside i fear that my world is falling in around me again.

i remember what happened last summer. i remember december 7 2007, i remember my dad telling me about the tumour and then i spent time comforting my sister, convincing her everything will be ok while trying not to cry myself and convincing myself as well. i remember trying to forget about things that afternoon while mowing the lawn in an electrical storm kind of hoping i would get struck by lightening so i wouldn't have to deal with it. i remember the next month of misery while we waited for the surgery to happen and i remember the pain my family suffered in that time. i remember pretending to be brave but coming on vt and spilling my guts and sitting at the computer crying. i remember laying awake all night worrying and then burdening my then friend joanne with it all on the phone all night. these are the worst memories and i don't think i could handle going through it all again if it comes to that. i'm just bloody scared right now!

[Mzor203]

Aww... Stephen, it's okay. Nobody can say everything will be alright, nobody can tell that yet, but you have to stay brave, for the sake of the family.

You need to do stuff to keep this off your mind. Occupy yourself like you have been up until now, keep busy. Do whatever it is you like doing, do random chores around the house, write a novel, but do stuff. Don't ever sit around and let yourself think about this too much, as that will make it worse. And also, do things that will make you tired at night, so you sleep easier. A lot of people find night time is when you have the most time to think, and thus the most time to worry. The sooner you can fall to sleep the better.

In any case, we're here, and we're hoping everything is going to turn out well. You know there are plenty of people here on VT who will listen for you, so don't worry about letting it out here. We'll be glad to listen to it.

Take care of yourself and your mother Stephen. :)

[Zephyr]

*huggles*

All I can really say is that I hope all goes well,
And I'm here to talk no metter what hun.

I know how much of a worrier you are.

[Hyper]

Look there is no ''logical'' explanation why we worry, we just do.

And there isn't anything I can tell you that will help you

And I know this very very very well since my mother has had cancer more than once

You just have to do what you can and help your mom

[Gumleaf]

so today i got a chance to talk to my dad about things without my mum being around. for some reason when its talked about in front of her i get more upset. anyways, the main thing i wanted to know is when the blood test results are due, and we expect to hear something either on tuesday or wednesday. just talking about it gets me down and upset about it. my dad asked me how i was and like normal i said iwas fine. but really, i'm not fine, not until i know what we are dealing with, if anything. this waiting is a killer, it really is.

after church tonight i was talking to the youth pastor about things. i opened right up how i am scared about everything and even began to cry a little. he prayed with me, but i still don't feel any peace about this on the inside yet. damn i hate this!!! i don't want to go through this again!!!

[Gumleaf]

well nearly an hour ago my mum got her test results back. the fact my dad called me over to talk to me made my heart sink and he told me the news. the specialist was concerned about 3 different tests, with one in particualr more concerned about then the others. apparently the levels have gone up for all 3 of these tests meaning that tomorrow mum has to get scans to check for cancer.

i have been on the phone with joanne trying not to cry. i don't know if i can go through all this again. why does this have to happen? it hasn't even been a year yet since last time. i don't know how i am going to cope? :cry:

[Gumleaf]

well today mum went for her scans. now we start the long and frustrating wait to see if there is any cancer anywhere. we should find out something between monday and wednesday next week. i've calmed down a bit from yesterday, but i'm still seriously worried though. its like my brain tells me that i have to prepare myself for the worst possible scenario which means that i'm always focusing on the negatives and not on the positives. its like using the theory, if i fear the worst, then the results can only equal or exceed expectations. strange logic, but its the way i've always operated and i'm just a terrible worrier. anyways, yeah thats the update. now i just have to find ways to distract myself and do things that will stop me from getting upset about it. oh well, we'll see what happens i guess.

[Halibut]

Ya thats understandable. You have every right to be nervous.
Just keep positive, have you heard of the book the secret. its really good you should read it. Good luck with your mom though, i hope everything turns out well. :)

[Gumleaf]

well my mum just called me and said that the specialist has called her and told her the scans were clear. although this sounds like awesome news, its only been described as "encouraging" by my mum. the specialist still wants to see her because he needs to work out what to do next because the readings in the blood test keeps going up. so reading between the lines, its encouraging, but she isn't out of the woods yet. but even so, it has eased my worrying and feels like a brick has been taken off my shoulders regardless. needless to say, i'm happy about this development. :)

[Random_oso06]

thats awesome stephen your mom is getting better

[Gumleaf]

my mum got her blood test results back today and they have gone up again. :(:(:( she is being sent for more intense scans. the specialist is getting "quite concerned" which gets me very concerned. another ruined summer, another ruined christmas and now our family is going to be all screwed again. :cry:

[Gumleaf]

well yesterday mum had a "pet scan" which is a really detailed body scan that looks for cancer apparently. anyways, the results come back tomorrow. i'm really worried and stressed about it all. up until yesterday i was a bit worried, but now i'm getting more stressed about things. i hate all this and i don't want to go through it all again. i hated last summer and i only just managed to get through that. i don't think i can manage going through it again. i hate it all, i hate everything and i mean it too. :cry:

[Zephyr]

I'll be the positive triplet and keep my fingers crossed hun :)
I'm always an IM or a text away should you need to talk, complain, yell...whatever.

[Gumleaf]

this hasn't been a good morning. i just keep on worrying and worrying. i can't think about anything else. i just want to know. i'm sick of the waiting. i've tried doing things to take my mind off things because i'm sick of my friends having to worry about me and stuff. idk, sorry for carrying on like this. this all sucks.

[Gumleaf]

yeah, bumping again. so the other day my mum had the same blood test she has been having which has been slowly rising. the test is called "ca19.9" which detects pancriatic (excuse spelling) cancer. even though all the scans so far have shown no sign of cancer, the specialist is concerned enough now that he is going to perform surgery on her in 2 weeks time when they do biopsey's to find where the "problem" is and what it exactly is. i'm just so worried and scared now. i hate this, i really do. it's getting me down and upset. it shouldn't, but it does. i want to talk about it, but i can't really. i don't want to bother people with it. damn i hate this. i so want this over. i'm sick of the uncertainty, i'm sick of the worrying. i can't handle this much at all. :cry:

[Mzor203]

Aww Stephen. :hug: I suggest you take a quick look at the posts in this thread again, as there are defintely a few with good advice. There's not much more we can say now excpt, hang in there. If you want to ever just talk you have me on MSN. :)

[TigerLily]

I'm really sorry to hear about that. Please know that I am thinking of you and your mum and I send all my best wishes. It must be terrible to have to go through something like that, and I admire your courage for doing so. I know you said you feel you can't talk but if you ever change your mind feel free to PM me.
Best wishes,
Rachel

[theOperaGhost]

Battling with cancer is one of the toughest things for a person and their family. I've gone through it before, however it was my aunt. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. This has been and will continue to be a rough time, but you will make it through it. If you ever need to talk, you've got me on MSN.

[Gumleaf]

thanks rex, rachel and jared. its just so hard to stop worrying about it you know, but the support of friends does help. the whole surgery thing and whatever just makes things not good. i remember last summer, i remember what happened then and i remember that it wasn't good. i just want it to be over so bad. :(