it's been ages..

[star_face]

since i posted on here, i haven't felt the need to for a while, untill now.
it's been nearly two month since i last cut, but i'm feeling lower than i've ever felt in the last 3 years, i still haven't given in yet but things are just getting the better of me, i'm only getting 4 hours sleep a night and i haven't eaten a thing in two weeks, i'm in so much pain.
everyone around me seems to of disappeared, my parents have left me for a month and i haven''t left the house in a week, and no one has even tried to contact me, it's like i don't even exist anymore!

i feel so unwanted and forgotten, i don't know if i can stand this for much longer, i feel like i have nobody.

my mum found out that i self harmed 4 days before she went away and all she could say was she was so angry at me and actually pinned me down and tried to force me to tell her why i was doing it, but i couldn't just give her a one word answer, and she said i made her feel like a bad mother, i hate her soo much, she doesn't care about me, all she cares about is her self!

as for my friends, my close friend was going though a really bad time and i helped her out, i let her stay at mine everynight, i even lent her money to help her out and now she's back on track she can't even give me the time of day and she lyes to me about coming to see me!

i really don't know what to do i've never felt like this before, i feel on edge so much, i really want to cut but i don't want to go back where i started, i'm so scared of being on my own!

[byee]

Good for you for not giving in to those urges! You will be OK.

What is it that you're needing? Most people feel that urge b/c they're not getting something important to them. What's that for you?

[star_face]

i don't know i just feel non existant, and empty, like everyone i thought cared doesn't really, when i need them most there not there!
i just feel really lonely

[The Batman]

Correct me if I'm wrong but right now your feeling unloved, lonely, and like no one cares about you right? If that is the case then maybe you should stop trying to find acceptance and reassurance from your parents and start putting your own feelings first. You do not deserve to feel this way so don't let anyone make you feel like this.

[star_face]

how can i put my feelings first? i feel so low the only way i can feel better is when there are people around me, and there is no one, i'm sick of beign by my self i need people around me to distract me, when i'm on my own.. i don't know i just get stuck in this mindset.. that i'm so worthless i can't really explain it.

[The Batman]

I was the same way, because I was so wrapped up around what other people thought about that I didn't think much of myself. In order for you to get better you need to love yourself. I still don't like to be alone at some times but I try my best to live with it. If your parents won't call you then call them and see why they haven't called. Why not call a relative and ask to stay with them for a while.

[star_face]

i don't have any relatives in this country, and i have made the effort to call people but it just makes me feel worse, becuase all they want to talk about is what there up to and there too busy to spair time with me. i'm scared of being on my own becuase i do stupid stuff, i set impossiable tasks for my self, i don't know what i get out of it, i spose it like me trying to prove to myself that i'm better than them, but i just end up making myself worse and sometimes ill. i'm like my worse enermyi so badly want to cut becuase i feel so worthless and and at the same time stupid and un worthy of people caring about me and friends.
i really don't want to cut again it was so hard to stop,but i only really stopped becuase of the help of my friends and now there gone i feel so weak :[
x