things that have been on my mind.

[Fiending_the_freedom]

this might belong to relationships .

I've been depressed....for a long time. and i've gone through different stages.
the denial and quite about it phase.
the rebelling stage.
the drop out of school and sleep all day stage.
the drug stage to try to make myself happy.
the drunk stage to try and forget about my problems.
the cutting .... well that stayed with me for 4 years. until recently.

The point is. im tried of being screwed up. well....thats my problem, im not actually tired of it, i wouldn't be able to function.

my type of depression, and personality, is...self destructive.
I don't like being happy because then i feel like shit because im depressed anyways, so i might as well have something going wrong in my life so i don't have to be depressed for no reason.

Also i dont trust guys anymore.
my first love. chris. i broke up with him.
but it was unnecessary.
he turned scary.
obsessive.
controlled me.
told me who i could do drugs with, who i could drink with.
threatened to cut himself if i drank or went to party's on weekdays.
but i didn't see it that way when i was dating him. i loved him too much.
i still think about him a lot. and its hard.


after what happened with chris....
I cant commit.
i don't like relationships
i don't like guys caring about me too much,
i've been with my current boyfriend for 8 months.
I told him so many times,

"don't tell me im youur everything. dont make me your whole world. i hate it and it makes me
feel uncomfortable."

And then i was going thorough my old posts and found this:

For once i am so happy.
i finally have a good relationship.
This Guy Is So Good To me.
We Talk Every night on the phone before bed & every morning before school.
he calls me some times just to tell me i'm beautiful & i'm his everything.
:D
today he told me he loves me for the first time.
:D:D
i'm so happy,
finally.
^__^
thats about chris, i wrote it when we first started going out.
I knew i was screwed up about relationships, but i didn't realize that it was chris who changed me.

after i broke up with him he went ballistic.
called me 8 times a day everyday for two weeks.
did so much extacy everyday.

now every guy that i've dated all turn out to be obsessive, and fall in love with me. every time.
which i hate.

i just have such a stronger desire to be alone. be screwed up by myself.
and its horrible because its ruining all my relationships.
i always have urges to break up with my bf, but i know its just me trying to make myself unhappy.
i've broken up with him once b4 for a while, and just missed him, but boy did i enjoy being alone.

[bagman]

did you ever wright a book.

[Zan0ra]

Ouch. Maybe you need to see a therapist about your problems? This isnt healthy for you. You have to talk to someone about it. Family, Freinds anyone.

[Fiending_the_freedom]

did you ever wright a book.

lol sometimes i feel like i could, except books need endings:P something i feel i'll never have.

Ouch. Maybe you need to see a therapist about your problems? This isnt healthy for you. You have to talk to someone about it. Family, Freinds anyone.

i've been to maybe 4 different therapists in the last couple years.
you see, i know myself very well, and the reasons behind the things i do,
so therapy kind of is just basically sharing what i know.
and it never really makes me feel any better.
and every therapist i've seen, always ends up telling ME i should become a therapist.

plus i've never trusted a therapist again after they told my dad that i used to cut and used to try to overdose.

[thesphinx]

The point is. im tried of being screwed up. well....thats my problem, im not actually tired of it, i wouldn't be able to function.

my type of depression, and personality, is...self destructive.
I don't like being happy because then i feel like shit because im depressed anyways, so i might as well have something going wrong in my life so i don't have to be depressed for no reason.



I understand your need to have a reason to be depressed, when I was depressed no therapist or doctor could figure out a reason for it.
And that more than anything ripped me apart, it was agonizing.
I'm sorry your having such a terrible time, I talked to you a while ago and you said you tried medication and that didn't help.

What I realized is that there is a reason for everything because nothing just "happens" Don't give up on a therapist it took me 5 tries to get the right one.
And don't give up on medication either it can work wonders.

[Yasmine]

these effexors that i'm taking aren't doing anything for the depression i have, because it's not going to turn me into the person i want to be. depression is horrible, it effects you in every way, and lots of people don't realize that. it's hard to bring yourself to do anything when you have conflicts with yourself.

[Fiending_the_freedom]

i guess i feel like, i need to fix myself on my own, no meds, no therapists.

[Atonement]

i guess i feel like, i need to fix myself on my own, no meds, no therapists.


No one fixes anyone but the person its effecting. The person has to accept help. Medication is only a tool, not a cure. And therapists dont fix you, they just help point you in the right direction of what you need to do.

[trn19]

I wish I had something to tell you. I really do. But I don't. I'm sorry. "Then why the hell are you posting?", you might wonder. Well, the thing is I can really relate to what you're going through. Maybe our stories are very different, but I feel the way you do. And I wish there was some answer. I just can't find it. Anyway, I'm sorry for my post. I hope everything works out for you.

[Sapphire]

Have you considered looking for a support group in your area? It may help you feel more empowered to bring about change in your life if you are around a group of people who have the same aim.

Does your current boyfriend know why you don't like commitment etc?

It can be so difficult when you find yourself wanting to destroy everything good in your life. It can be even harder when you are fighting it on your own. Think about opening up to your boyfriend a bit about how you feel. He may surprise you by supporting you through these taxing emotions and it could strengthen your relationship.

[byee]

lol sometimes i feel like i could, except books need endings:P something i feel i'll never have.



i've been to maybe 4 different therapists in the last couple years.
you see, i know myself very well, and the reasons behind the things i do,
so therapy kind of is just basically sharing what i know.
and it never really makes me feel any better.
and every therapist i've seen, always ends up telling ME i should become a therapist.

plus i've never trusted a therapist again after they told my dad that i used to cut and used to try to overdose.


'Knowing' yourself isn't the final destination in therapy, it's using that knowledge to make different choices with your life. The second part is the harder part, applying that awareness to situations that cause problems and obtain different outcomes. You might feel a sense of reassurance about knowing yourself, but it sounds like your porblems might stem from the difficulties you have with the application process. What's the point of knowledge if you cannot use it?

If you know that you do not like or want something, like relationships, than it might be best to not get involved in them for a while, at least until you sort out what it is or why they don't work out for you. Right now, it sounds like a cycle for you: You're not really wanting or enjoying relationships, maybe make bad choices, they don't work out, so you feel more negative about them. I'm not sure what you're expecting, but maybe it would be better to work this out before you get reinvolved, and maybe select different types of guys who are less likely to reinforce your negative opinion of them and relationships in the first place?

[Fiending_the_freedom]

well, i have nothing to say at the moment about my negative outlooks on therapy and meds (i'll come up with a response later:P)


I wish I had something to tell you. I really do. But I don't. I'm sorry. "Then why the hell are you posting?", you might wonder. Well, the thing is I can really relate to what you're going through. Maybe our stories are very different, but I feel the way you do. And I wish there was some answer. I just can't find it. Anyway, I'm sorry for my post. I hope everything works out for you.

hey, don't ever apologize for posting and telling someone you feel the same way. it always helps people to know there not alone.



Does your current boyfriend know why you don't like commitment etc?

It can be so difficult when you find yourself wanting to destroy everything good in your life. It can be even harder when you are fighting it on your own. Think about opening up to your boyfriend a bit about how you feel. He may surprise you by supporting you through these taxing emotions and it could strengthen your relationship.

well, my boyfriend knows i have problems, as he puts it, and is willing to deal with it because he loves me. (when i talk to him about it i refer to myself as "skrewed up" XD)
he understands i'm not a relationship person, you see before we started going out, we were friends and he had chased me for 6 months, asking me out all the time.
me saying no because i'll skrew him up and hurt him, i do it to every guy (literally)

he's not one who is like...understanding, i mean he tries, but he just doesnt understand.
i mean, he doesnt even understand the difference between in love and just love!!

we were in a fight, and i got sick of him always being like "im so in love with you" (lol see commintment fears!) so i told him for the first time. im not in love with you (i never said i was in teh first place).
and he cried! he said i loved my ex more than him because i was in love with my ex.



If you know that you do not like or want something, like relationships, than it might be best to not get involved in them for a while, at least until you sort out what it is or why they don't work out for you. Right now, it sounds like a cycle for you: You're not really wanting or enjoying relationships, maybe make bad choices, they don't work out, so you feel more negative about them. I'm not sure what you're expecting, but maybe it would be better to work this out before you get reinvolved, and maybe select different types of guys who are less likely to reinforce your negative opinion of them and relationships in the first place?

well i would get out of this relationship, i think about it all the time, except just my luck i acually love the guy and really missed him when i broke up with him before.
plus it was the worst break up of my life and i dont want to go through that again.

you see i've had three real relationships.
all three of the guys are COMPLETELY different.
but yet i still "turn them emo/ruin there lives/ cast my spell over them/ they go obsessive" on me (those terms are all the terms me and my best friend use to describe itXD)

all these guys are completely different because i keep looking for one i cant break.

but it always seems to happen.

[byee]

So, what is it exactly you like about relationships/guys/this guy (other than the attention)?

[Fiending_the_freedom]

i don't know...
i just make friends, really good friends and sometimes they fall for me and i end up loving them.
i never look for it, it always comes to me

[mr. self destruct]

It sounds to me that i'm going through the same thing you are. I'm in a "relationship" that I really don't want to be in, but the person really likes me. This past year at school was horrible; got bad grades, harassed for my sexuality on a daily basis. I just quit doing all kinds of drugs after finding out that instead of them making me feel better, that they are really fucking up my life more. I think that keeping myself busy with things like work, traveling, etc helps me feel better.

I would suggest seeing a therapist, but after reading that it doesn't work good for you, my only advice is to just keep going, and keep in mind that in a lot of situations, whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
hope i helped.